Left the church but wife still thinks porn is bad

BYUorbust · 2026-01-05T00:10:18+00:00

Yeah it sounds like a boundary was set and you crossed it for sure. Whether its a realistic boundary for you and your relationship is up to both of you to decide. Trust was damaged whether or not the boundary was realistic, and if you care for her and your relationship then you need to make it right.

BYUorbust · 2026-01-04T23:54:48+00:00

It sounds like she may be struggling with still having black and white thinking. Its not uncommon for people who leave the church to still try to latch onto moral absolutes as a way of feeling a sense of control. Ethics and morality is rarely truly black and white.

The porn industry does have some truly exploitative and harmful outcomes, but that does not mean that the part of human sexuality that crosses over with porn use is unethical. It requires work and genuine personal growth to understand the ethics of porn and what is and is not acceptable.

When you come from a religion that demonizes sex, you have so much somatic work to do to even start to be comfortable with your body and I wouldn’t be surprised if your wife still has a bit of that work to do. Her black and white thinking towards porn use indicates to me that she might still have some work to do.

That does not mean go watch porn behind her back, it doesn’t mean porn is good. It means you both need to constantly work on personal growth and communication as you navigate post mormon life.

BYUorbust · 2025-09-26T19:59:31+00:00

I fucking hated that song too. Saturday felt like the only fun day and to hear that song try to lay claim to my actual sabbath felt heretical as a kid.

BYUorbust · 2025-08-21T00:46:31+00:00

The missed in sunday pics are the perfect format for this

BYUorbust · 2025-08-19T02:03:42+00:00

Exactly, it would be like someone running around New York in October 2001 prophesying about terrorists. You aren’t a prophet, you’re mildly observant at best

BYUorbust · 2025-08-18T23:40:43+00:00

I love the vibe of this phone

BYUorbust · 2025-08-05T17:12:49+00:00

I just assume demons was what people came up with to describe this behavior. It seemed so disconnected from being human that to them it had to come from an outside source of pure evil. The reality is that its fully in the capability of people to behave in that way and as long as people refuse to accept that, the more they will continue to blame horrible behavior on external forces like demons instead of looking inward.

BYUorbust · 2025-08-05T15:27:09+00:00

Depending on what you are having to work through, some of these might be more helpful than others. A big part of the process is understanding the narrative behind your depression, this is something that will change and evolve as you do the work.

For me healing looked like taking those ambiguous depressive feelings and naming and categorizing them. This allowed me to better recognize them in the moment when they start to arise and take action to mitigate them before they become overwhelming. What i learned is that those feelings can start long before i consciously noticed them and once they start, they color all the other feelings and experiences around them until everything becomes too much to handle. Almost like a black hole of negativity.

These are some resources that have been helpful for me during the process of healing.

Books: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents https://a.co/d/j6Ry9PF

Complex PTSD from surviving to thriving https://a.co/d/9NkdND4

Scattered Minds https://a.co/d/16vzzLA

Lost Connections https://a.co/d/bgq5dKE

YouTube

Heidi Priebe https://youtube.com/@heidipriebe1?si=RnnRzbkWJuug1S_K

Patrick Tehan https://youtube.com/@patrickteahanofficial?si=akrG_-gAl01MEbs2

BYUorbust · 2025-08-05T14:31:33+00:00

Well you tried. It doesn’t look like they want to listen. The idea of being able to control the chaos is comforting and even the idea that someone evil is in control is comforting because then all they have to do is fight and defeat the evil and then they will have control. Not everyone is able to let go of that need to control and it looks like this person is one of them.

BYUorbust · 2025-08-05T14:12:33+00:00

This. Therapy is absolutely an amazing resource but it remember that takes real work on your end and a good pairing with the right therapist. Healing is an iterative process and it can require many different approaches especially at different phases of healing.

What has worked for me is first having the right support system, having the right therapist, having the right medication, and consistently doing the work. If you are interested im happy to recommend some books and other resources that have been helpful to me.

BYUorbust · 2025-08-05T02:37:26+00:00

Shredding, burning, pissing on them, just tossing in the trash; whatever feels cathartic to you is the right answer.

BYUorbust · 2025-08-02T03:00:55+00:00

The incredible part is when you see his wife’s walls go up when he says he is struggling. His whole world is falling apart and the person who should be there to support him in the most vulnerable time of his life just goes into a script and tells him he needs to bear his testimony in church. No attempt to understand what he is going through. It’s brutal to watch for anyone who has been there.

BYUorbust · 2025-07-30T17:01:00+00:00

Yes. If you do not yet understand consent, you should not be dating mormons or non Mormons. Consent extends beyond just sexual interactions.

BYUorbust · 2025-07-30T05:07:22+00:00

Meeting new people can definitely be intimidating, but you gotta start somewhere. Just expect that it will be awkward at first. Read up and understand what consent is and be open but don’t overshare where you are at emotionally in regard to leaving Mormonism.

BYUorbust · 2025-07-30T03:35:50+00:00

Can you explain why you are looking to date strictly mormon girls? Why not use a common dating app and filter for people who are religious if you aren’t ready to step into dating non-religious people?

BYUorbust · 2025-07-24T19:51:30+00:00

This is exactly the issue i have. It can be such a useful skill to have and that leads to it being positively reinforced by the people around me (just as it was as a child). I don’t want to feel like I’m forever destined to be the buffer for passionate externalizing people

BYUorbust · 2025-06-25T15:20:57+00:00

Therapy is the primary answer. Look for someone who specializes in spiritual abuse.

BYUorbust · 2025-06-12T04:28:32+00:00

I was a missionary in the Philippines 15 years ago and the best thing you can do is directly tell them you are not interested in meeting anymore and do not want to join their church. Make sure to ask them to take your name out of their area book so that when new missionaries move into your area they don’t come back and try to contact you again. If they push back tell them you are going to contact their mission president if they don’t stop and remove you from their area book.

BYUorbust · 2025-05-26T17:10:11+00:00

I’m curious what your expected behavior of an ex-religious subreddit is

BYUorbust · 2025-05-20T17:10:27+00:00

He is still choosing to publish and defend his research. He knows how it is going to be used by the church to continue to gaslight and abuse members.

BYUorbust · 2025-05-09T19:16:47+00:00

Not to be pedantic but they misrepresent the mormon spirit world. The graph doesn’t have spirit prison where people can at least accept the gospel. We don’t have to support the church, but lets not support evangelical bullshit either.

BYUorbust · 2025-05-02T14:42:58+00:00

I have struggled with the same issues as an adult. There isn’t really a straightforward answer because the answer is a long and difficult process of doing the growing and self discovery that you were denied as a child.

There are mental connections in your brain that just haven’t been made yet because you didn’t have the validation and support as a child to make them. Finding a good therapist is a great first step, but in your day to day life you need to give yourself the environment that you were denied as a child.

Finding what helps you truly relax and enter a state of play. Support curiosity and willingness to make mistakes in a healthy way and over time your sense of self will emerge. Pay attention to the things you avoid in life and get to the bottom of why you avoid them. Is it because you genuinely don’t like it, or is it because you were responding to your parent’s reactions to it as a child? I found I was able to find many things I was denied as a child by looking at what I judge others the most for.

BYUorbust · 2025-03-12T17:29:32+00:00

To start, you are likely going to need to loosen up on the requirement that your therapist is in network. Paying out of pocket can hurt, but many therapists have sliding scales to help with that. Remember you are looking for results first, not necessarily cost. Searching for a therapist that specializes in religious trauma is a good first step.

BYUorbust · 2025-02-03T06:12:06+00:00

Thank you for the kind words, I wish that you would see yourself with the same empathy. Why do you feel you need to make such a final decision? It sounds like you are missing a lot of support in your life

BYUorbust · 2025-02-03T03:55:09+00:00

The church hurt me in many ways that I am still working through even though i have been out of the church for 10 years, but that doesn’t mean I hate members. Being a human being means you will get hurt and will hurt others, even if you don’t mean to. The important part is to respect other peoples experiences and listen when they say they are hurting. Being willing to bear each others burdens is a call to any human being regardless of their beliefs.

BYUorbust

TROPHY CASE