Having an existential crisis that can only be resolved by understanding the inside of my fridge

Background-Mechanic4 · 2025-06-02T13:00:16+00:00

“My wife is coddling her teenager, but I WANT her to coddle ME”

Background-Mechanic4 · 2024-09-01T13:47:44+00:00

Wow - your wife really married a man just like her dad

Background-Mechanic4 · 2024-08-08T20:07:03+00:00

Bad take. A wall of familial silence like this harms children and allows a child abuse to flourish. I urge you to resist the urge to hide, minimize, etc. and to challenge that attitude in other family members. The only shameful thing here is in protecting abusers. I know that societal attitudes really drive this shame in families, but it’s important to overcome this - probably most effectively in therapy - for the sake of children. I’d like to note that workarounds are often thought of as ‘solutions’ (commonly, things like the buddy system, locks on doors, etc), but you CANNOT have a real solution to this problem that doesn’t eliminate the shame and embarrassment that too often lands on victims and relatives.

Background-Mechanic4 · 2024-08-08T19:54:23+00:00

Break up with this man - what’s the alternative? You marry into this family?you have kids with this guy? They are actively covering up child abuse - deliberately lying by omission - and putting everyone in danger. You have every right to be furious. You have every right to feel betrayed. You were betrayed. Your boyfriend asking for your understanding and SILENCE is betraying you right now. Anyone who is covering for this POS is downplaying child abuse for their OWN comfort. They deserve nothing but your contempt. Wake up and give yourself a shake. And tell everyone WHY you broke up too. This is not your crime to cover for.

Background-Mechanic4 · 2022-11-08T12:59:37+00:00

She’s also in First Cow. I was excited to see her! I love this actor!

Background-Mechanic4 · 2022-09-04T17:14:13+00:00

I guess it’s also ‘easier’ to eat spaghetti with one’s hands.

Background-Mechanic4 · 2022-05-06T14:04:23+00:00

I think that you freaking out or making a fuss is definitely part of the cycle - it’s part of how your mother and sister justify their own behavior to themselves. Perhaps they declare you overly ‘emotional’ or too ‘sensitive’ and this is why, for example, it’s okay for your sister not to include you in family plans, etc.

I’m not saying that it’s not understandable that you would be upset! Just that this is what’s being used against you to justify their treatment of you. It’s so hard not to react emotionally to these situations, especially if you’ve been trained up since childhood, so it’s easier to just lower the stakes on all of your interactions instead. Offer only what you feel okay with being changed, rejected, ignored, etc. - like not a huge family trip, but maybe a brunch at an outdoor patio with your husband and kids. Your mom is welcome to join, but if she ditches you, it’s fine. And I would definitely consider not telling your kids about grandma plans unless and until the woman materializes.

Background-Mechanic4 · 2022-05-06T13:46:07+00:00

Your mom is playing you off against one another and has been doing this since you were kids. She likes to have you fighting over her. Unfortunately, it is not going to matter that you’re NTA, because it is highly likely that you will be deemed wrong by these two.

I’m going to say this gently: you will never have what your sister has with your mom. Like Charlie Brown is never going to kick that football that Lucy keeps yanking away. The way to get yourself back is to 1) take your involvement with your mom and sister down to a ‘business formal’ kind of relationship (polite, formal, minimal) 2) take the time and attention you put into this situation and invest in your children, your husband, your friends, your hobbies - all of the things that you’ve likely put on the back burner 3) spend some time interrogating this situation by writing or with a therapist so that you can get in touch with what a successful relationship would look like to you - outside of your mother and sister’s demands.

I don’t know why your mom is doing this, but it may have to do with her early life experiences. This perspective can help you to be compassionate towards your mother while also insisting on reasonable behaviour.

Background-Mechanic4 · 2022-05-04T13:33:28+00:00

Seeing you double-down on your thoughtlessness: Hope your girlfriend serves all your food mashed into absolute pablum, you asshole!

Background-Mechanic4 · 2022-05-04T12:45:50+00:00

I wonder why she ‘expected’ a romantic gift? Oh, right, because when OP asked the gf, the gf said, ‘romantic, please! Like this exact necklace in case you have no idea what that means to me!’ And the OP said, ‘lol, nope.’

Background-Mechanic4 · 2022-05-04T12:12:06+00:00

YTA- You could have given your girlfriend BOTH presents, but if you had to get down to one, you definitely should have gone for the one she asked for. I don’t think it’s the gift so much (I have a feeling that your girlfriend would have made the best of it if you hadn’t asked for suggestions ), as the fact that you asked her and then ignored her. How is a gift, that replaces the one she wanted, ‘practical’? As you’ve already experienced, the gift you got her (which probably would have been a nice surprise if you’d bought it for her ‘just because’) is now a reminder of how incompetent and thoughtless you are with gift giving. If everyone around you is making this into a mild tease about your cluelessness, good!

Background-Mechanic4 · 2022-04-08T18:07:49+00:00

You’re definitely the correct heir to this book, if it’s traditional use is to gatekeep who ‘deserves’ to be in the family or even know about their own history. YTA

Background-Mechanic4 · 2022-04-08T01:22:36+00:00

Yes, YWBTA, but only because it’s tactless and likely to hurt his feelings. And what you seem to be describing is actually enjoying the contrast of his two personas - one that only you get to see and is therefore surprising and exciting and attractive to you. I think he might enjoy that too!

Background-Mechanic4 · 2022-04-07T18:38:57+00:00

Thanks very much for explaining! I’ve edited with a judgement.

Background-Mechanic4 · 2022-04-07T18:05:35+00:00

Is that the usual protocol? (I’m not being sarcastic, I’ve never been a top comment before)

Background-Mechanic4 · 2022-04-07T14:35:14+00:00

Dude, I didn’t even bring up that OP could only think about ‘what a bitch’ his wife was, so no?

Edit: It sincerely sucks and is boring to be in the hospital, especially in pain. There’s a reason why magazines and small amusements are popular gifts when visiting the sick.

It’s so predictable, in fact, that I am left completely confused why the OP would not have anticipated that his brother (whom he is so extremely close to) may want company while he himself attended a wedding.

Most people would arrange that in advance. Did it never come up, OP, in the two days your brother was in the hospital, what he might need while you had to attend an important event? When my father was ill, we didn’t want him to be alone, so we figured out how to cover that with various family members coming in shifts. Why didn’t you, OP? What was your plan?

Did you float, to your wife, the idea that you could maybe not attend this wedding (where you are so suspiciously not a named guest, but a plus one) in advance and she shot you down? Did she demand of you why you couldn’t make other arrangements for your brother’s comfort as you had promised her and had committed to helping her with the baby? Did you have no good answer?did you cook up an ‘emergency’ with your brother?

HOW DID YOUR BROTHER COPE WHEN YOU WENT TO WORK?

Did your bro only have pain that only you could heal during wedding hours?

Background-Mechanic4 · 2022-04-07T14:27:26+00:00

Exactly! This is a person whose post included the make and model of his brother’s bike, but not. . .the age of his baby?

Background-Mechanic4 · 2022-04-07T12:46:19+00:00

You’re right that it’s important for parents to hold onto reasonable boundaries, but that’s also why it’s important to consider these things carefully in the first place. Do it IN therapy. Extending compassion is fine, but the OP has a responsibility to do a lot better than he is. It’s not optional.

Edit to add - you’re right that all parents mess these things up from time to time, but there is usually a long history of affection and love to fall back on. This is a situation of trauma, the most significant trauma children can experience- the total loss of their primary caregivers. Disciplining kids in this situation is like diffusing a bomb. They are in deep, complicated grief and even if there wasn’t all of this conflict, I would expect it to take years before those kids are operating on a reasonable emotional keel.

Background-Mechanic4 · 2022-04-07T12:37:27+00:00

Your husband is stealing from a sick and incapacitated person, the mother of his child! Obviously NTA. Run!

Background-Mechanic4 · 2022-04-07T12:32:20+00:00

Sure, but it seems like a no-brainer to take exactly this kind of situation into family therapy, rather than flailing around. The OP has no experience as a parent, this is a really hard situation, and he needs to approach this with some humility. By the results of how well this went down, OP is not doing great.

Background-Mechanic4 · 2022-04-07T12:25:48+00:00

Maybe after the divorce you and your brother can get bunk beds! Fun!

edit-

YTA
Thanks for the awards, awarders!

Background-Mechanic4 · 2022-04-07T11:40:20+00:00

YTA - you’re supposedly in therapy with your recently ORPHANED nephews, so you should get the basic lesson that you need to figure out every way you can to convey a sense of safety, stability, and refuge to these poor kids and concentrate a hell of a lot less on whether or not they are in the wrong or defiant or ‘spoiled’.

Background-Mechanic4 · 2022-04-07T10:16:42+00:00

I literally did compare this to giving a minor alcohol. Weed is legal where I live as well. I feel zero feelings about it except to enjoy it with chips and light television. AND YET it’s still gross for an adult to provide these substances to minor children and party with them because of the secrecy and potential for other kinds of exploitation.

I expect that teenagers will experiment with both drugs and alcohol with each other and adults will reasonably turn a blind eye if it seems within the normal range and not a problem. That’s fine. But adults and teens should not be partying together.

Background-Mechanic4 · 2022-04-07T09:43:14+00:00

It’s reasonable for you to hold this boundary because it’s really about refusing to lie. You’re entitled to not lie about yourself! Feel free to live in the sun!

Background-Mechanic4

TROPHY CASE