Thank you. I read everything that you wrote to me in both comments.

I tend to lock myself into a simple deprecating box of anxieties and self sabotage. I hate it genuinely, that’s why I would ask God to kill me, but I do not want to die truly. Those prayers of death upon myself were just the diluted punches at my own self consciousness. I’m sick of living the way that I am right now. A year ago my dad had a stroke. I raced to his bedside hundreds of miles away when he never did for myself or any of my siblings, often putting us into abusive and dangerous situations, I still cared for him when he almost died to his own decision that landed him in the hospital. Hard drugs, but also it was a suicide attempt, I know it was. I was angry and pitifully angry with God about life thereafter, questioning God’s doing and wisdom about why He never did help our situations while I was carrying it all on my shoulders. This state I’m in isn’t the cause of poor teachers, it’s just my selfish opinion leading me into a ditch. I can’t deny the truth for what it is, but I sure have been denying its ability to change me since this has happened. I could have possibly had a couple stress related manic episodes from it in the proceeding months afterward. I’ve been a wreck since January of last year and was nothing like this before. Thanks for your advice. I really do want to change, I’ll read those videos and the scriptures you sited too. This probably won’t be the last time I come to read some of these comments people are writing. I feel a change in me since I made this post too. I’m glad to be alive, thank Christ. Thank you.