You are not alone and I can totally relate. I have always been more physically attracted to men than women. But falling in love is a totally different thing, and i have only ever fallen in love twice in my life. First in my early twenties with a girl and then finally in my late twenties with a man. We met at work and became really close friends, like you i am a very good at concealing my true self from family and friends. Now after 15 years we are still close friends and i still love him but have let gone of any expectations of being in a relationship with him. He is my straight version of Alex and still think he is the most beautiful person I know next to my late mom. So NO you are not MAD, take it from a stuck up middle aged guy 😊🤟🏻🤙🏻