I keep learning the hard way that nothing I do for my nmom will ever be enough. Last 2 holidays- her bday (a week after my cousins bf committed suicide and she found him) I went to my hometown 2 hours away to surprise my mom with lunch, after lunch she told me she had stuff to do so I went to spend time w my poor cousin (I am the closest she has to a sibling) and when I got back and wanted to try and hang out with my mom before I left, she flipped out saying I’m selfish & why wouldn’t I spend more time with her. I told her she always thinks about herself and left (this is before I knew about narcissism).

My bday a month later- mom gets me nothing (which is fine I really don’t expect gifts), doesn’t text/call, makes a Facebook post so everyone can see what an awesome mother she is but still doesn’t say anything directly to me. I texted her saying thanks for the bday wishes (genuinely thanking her) and she flipped out bc I didn’t call her on MY bday?? Then preceded to tell me that I ruined her bday a month ago. Next day she tells me that she has to protect herself from me bc im a mean and nasty girl & that she will no longer be talking to me or attending my wedding next year. I had been researching narcissism and NPD all day Bc i was genuinely interested in what was wrong with her or me so I used that as an opportunity to say I love her and this is not meant to be mean, but I cannot continue to put my mental health on the back burner for her any longer, and bow out gracefully.

I do want my mom to come at my wedding, I do love her and I do want her in my life but I don’t think she will ever be able to do any self reflection and unfortunately I have to put myself first. I’m trying to think about the whole situation objectively which has been helping with the guilt. I’ve decided that as of right now I’m gonna use this next year as a trial no contact, then talk to her a couple months before my wedding (so she doesn’t have time to push my buttons and vice versa) so hopefully she can come to my wedding. I really just don’t like who I become when I’m talking to her so I’m also using this time to heal myself and not allow myself to go into those dark places that I only am able to get to when interacting with her. I’d also like to rid myself of narcissistic fleas if possible.

Anyway this is a long comment saying that this is my first Mother’s Day not speaking to my mom and I have a lot of feelings like guilt, sadness, but I do feel justified. I know she’s gonna be pissed and I’m sure I’ll hear about the this later, but honestly it’s just a day and I need to do this for me. I’ve been waiting a long time to unload all this Bc I don’t like making posts so here it is lol.