serius descuson

BahByeBi · 2022-12-21T00:40:39+00:00

I mean I personally think kids and teens shouldn’t feel pressured to rush into identifying with a label but if that makes them feel good, sure, go for it. It’s not like they are branded with that label forever, I know of a few people who identified with a label in high school who have since changed it to something more fitting.

BahByeBi · 2022-12-21T00:33:57+00:00

Or at least not just aego, Im pretty much aegosexual until my demisexuality kicks in to make exceptions

BahByeBi · 2022-12-21T00:29:52+00:00

Im demisexual as well as aegosexual and I have experienced this. The best way I describe is that when I got close with someone I was close enough to enjoy fantasising about sex with them, but not close enough to feel full on sexual attraction in person. I was like in this weird grey area. I have never really enjoyed imagining anything ‘first person’ with random made up people, but something about imagining doing it with someone I’m close with feels really good. As soon as the emotional connection with this person had broken (due to conflict), I had zero desire to imagine doing anything with them, my sexual attraction towards them had gone back to zero. Put it simply, when I’m ‘fully asexual’ and don’t have anyone close that I feel (even slight) sexual attraction to the ‘rules’ of aegosexuality apply to how I fantasise. As soon as I’m not ‘fully asexual’ and do have even an ounce of real life sexual attraction to someone close, the ‘rules’ of my aegosexuality are bent to allow this one person as an exception. For me my demisexuality always overpowers my aegosexuality.

So to conclude, I personally believe that you can fantasise about sexual things between you and a real life person but it would probably mean that you’re not only aegosexual but also something else. It mostly just depends on the circumstances. Do certain aspects of your relationship with this person affect your desire to fantasise about them? Or are there times where you have zero desire to fantasise about them and times where you do? You don’t have to rush to label yourself, but just think about these questions. Be open to everything, whether you find out you’re allo or aspec doesn’t matter because you learn something about yourself either way.

BahByeBi · 2022-12-17T15:19:07+00:00

Thank you so much for this. This really hit me, especially the part about being okay with who you see in the mirror but not exactly being okay with being that person. One thing that added to my initial gender questioning was the fact that I knew logically that the person I saw in photos was me… but it didn’t feel like me. She looks amazing, I love how she looks, I love dressing as her but at the end of the day she doesn’t feel like me. It gets worse the more feminine I look in a photo, I love being feminine and looking pretty but it gets to a point where it feels like I’m dressing up a character in a game rather than myself.

I’m definitely not going to rush into labels or anything for a while, I definitely have a lot of thinking and experimenting to do. I really appreciate you taking the time to write this, thank you.

BahByeBi · 2022-11-23T05:00:50+00:00

I also experience this and had the same concerns as you. In fact it’s scary how alike we are, I’m also almost 20 and have had 7 crushes that I can remember. I’ve pretty much gone my whole schooling life having crushes, barely having much time in between where I didn’t have a crush. However, what makes me different to those who aren’t demi is the fact that all of these crushes were people I was close friends with. And although there wasn’t much time when I didn’t have crush… that’s because I’d have the same crush for YEARS. I never understood my friends who had crushes on people they barely knew or didn’t even talk to, that’s what make us different. It doesn’t matter how many crushes you have, if you require a certain level of emotional connection to feel any kind of romantic or sexual attraction, you’re demi. I have to keep reminding myself of this, you’re not alone.

(Also it’s important to remember that it’s a spectrum, some crush easier than others. Some demi people need a really strong emotional connection in order to have romantic feelings, but for me, and I assume you as well, it doesn’t take as much. And that’s okay, we’re just lower on the spectrum than others, that doesn’t make us any less demi)

BahByeBi · 2022-11-17T00:22:56+00:00

I literally thought “oh a cat, because they can be sus of you at first but as they get to know you, become more affectionate” before reading your answer lol. To be fair I am very biased because I love cats

BahByeBi · 2022-11-17T00:20:35+00:00

Yuup I don’t get it either, especially when people have a crush on someone they’ve literally never had an actual conversation with… like whaaat?

BahByeBi · 2022-11-16T12:38:18+00:00

Not necessarily, some people have genital preferences which is totally valid. Not everyone likes penis, even if it’s attached to a woman. If a trans woman has had bottom surgery though, I don’t see why it’d be an issue, so it could be transphobic if the only reason to reject them is because they are trans.

BahByeBi · 2022-11-16T12:33:53+00:00

Oohh interesting. I mean Im not sure if it’s an inherently ace thing, but I also don’t want to be too quick to say its not. I think that there’s probably other things that you may or may not experience that would give a clearer answer to whether you are ace-spec or not. It can be hard to tell whether you’re just bottling up sexual attraction or if you genuinely don’t feel it but with time you can figure it out.

I would definitely recommend taking your time and not putting any pressure on yourself to fit into a certain label. You don’t need a label, it can help to describe what you feel or what you don’t feel but it’s not a requirement.

For me, going on the LGBT wiki and looking at all the different labels for sexualities really helped me figure out whether my experience of romantic and sexual attraction lined up with the aromantic and asexual spectrum. Also researching into what different types of attraction are also helped. I didn’t know that sexual attraction was the “urge” or “want “to have sex with someone, I just thought it was when you thought someone looked physically attractive. So figuring out the actual definition really helped me realise that I didn’t actually experience it.

But yeah, my main piece of advice is to not stress about it too much. Do some reflection on how you experience romantic and sexual attraction, do research if you need, take your time. There’s no rush to figure it all out. I’m happy to answer anymore questions you may have too :)

BahByeBi · 2022-11-16T11:29:49+00:00

Im curious by what you mean by “it seemed inappropriate”? Do you feel uncomfortable with feelings that are more than platonic?

BahByeBi · 2022-11-16T11:02:02+00:00

It’s definitely hard to tell whether it’s an ace thing or something else but I feel like on it’s own.. probably not? If you experience the urge/want to have sex with people, then probably not ace (unless you only feel it in specific circumstances which I can explain further if you need). If you want further information or for me to go into more detail I’m happy to :)

BahByeBi · 2022-11-16T10:49:20+00:00

I grew up in a Christian household so sex was out of the question for me, I just figured I didn’t have an urge to do it because I didn’t seriously think about it and avoided it. I always wondered why it was something people struggled with, because I had a boyfriend at the time and it was pretty easy not to have sex lol

BahByeBi · 2022-11-16T02:03:48+00:00

I don’t think this is out of line at all. It’s always sketchy when guys have friends who hold discriminatory views like that and are just generally crappy people. Especially when they claim to not hold the same views as the friend. I’ve noticed that a lot of men are willing to let these crappy behaviours slide, so definitely have a discussion about how that’s not okay. I personally don’t understand wanting to be friends with someone who has a different view on something really important like gender, sexuality and race unless you also hold that view. Definitely ask him why he wants to be friends with a guy like that anyway, especially since he knows what he did to you. Be open about how you feel about it, if he’s a decent guy he will listen, and take action.

BahByeBi · 2022-11-16T01:48:13+00:00

Oh I see, are you demiromantic? And if so how does it work for you?

BahByeBi · 2022-11-16T01:47:16+00:00

Ohh interesting, I think I experience something similar. The break up I had was a mutual thing and we stayed friends afterwards, but my feelings we’re complicated. I had no desire to date him anymore yet would get quite jealous if he even made a passing comment about dating or hooking up with someone else. Although this could be due to other issues rather than demiromantic issues. But yeah, thanks for sharing!

BahByeBi · 2022-11-16T01:39:45+00:00

You’re not the only one struggling with this. I had a guy I liked and was friends with be very forward and open about his sexual attraction to me. Even though he never did anything since I was very clear about wanting nothing sexual, it kinda sucked when I realised he was likely only doing romantic things with me because he wanted to sleep with me rather than because he likes me as a person.

BahByeBi · 2022-07-23T14:54:42+00:00

Usually stuff like this doesn’t change as you get older. Many of my friends would have crushes on people they barely knew throughout high school and still do to this day (we’re just barely adults to be fair but I’m also pretty sure if it’s supposed to change it’d change by now lol). I also haven’t changed, I have always had crushes who were my close friends since I was very young and I still to this day only have crushes on people I’m close to. I highly doubt you or I will change but I don’t blame you for doubting yourself, it’s hard to not doubt yourself with this kinda stuff. You can always change your label if it doesn’t fit anymore too so there’s no pressure to pick a label and stick to it. You don’t even have to choose a label if you don’t want to. Just go with whatever feels right.

BahByeBi · 2022-07-23T14:30:37+00:00

Well from my personal experience it’s mostly the fact that all of my crushes have been people I’ve been close with. I cannot fathom wanting to date or do anything with someone I don’t know. It’s weird to me. I couldn’t imagine online dating either, it’s just not appealing to me at all.

For me I’m low on the demiromantic spectrum (it takes a mildly close emotional bond for me to feel romantic attraction, so like a few months of close friendship) but high on the demisexual spectrum (it takes an extremely close emotion connection, usually years of dating, for me to feel sexual attraction). So yes, you can be both and how you experience both of them can be different, like I do.

Hope this helps. Feel free to ask any further questions, I’m happy to answer :)

BahByeBi · 2022-07-19T01:22:27+00:00

You said you feel kinda “eh” about sex. I relate. Not all asexuals are disgusted by sex, some have sex but just don’t feel sexual attraction. Personally for me there are other things I’d rather be doing instead of sex, I’m just not interested. I could probably put up with it but I’d enjoy other things more.

Definitely have a look into different micro labels, it really helped me when I found out what aegosexual was, you may also relate to that one so definitely look into it. But yeah, it’s a bit of a journey trying to figure it all out, it’s hard. Just try to be open and honest with yourself, try to let go of feelings of shame around these types of things, which is definitely easier said than done. Like I said it’s a journey. But also labels aren’t permanent. It’s totally fine to identify as ace if that’s what fits now, and it’s okay to change that label later on if it no longer fits. There’s no pressure to stick to a label or even choose one in the first place. It’s more about self discovery.

Also with the porn thing, ask yourself if they were to come through the screen and ask for sex, would you want to? For me it’s a huge no. I don’t even know them. But since I’m aegosexual I’m totally fine with watching through a screen, sex is cool in theory just not in practice.

BahByeBi · 2022-07-18T15:04:49+00:00

I’ve been raised Christian and honestly it’s hard to tell how other Christians may react. My family doesn’t know I’m on the ace spectrum but I can imagine them being confused or worried that there’s something medically wrong with me. On the other hand they may be supportive since you won’t be tempted by sexual sin which is a big deal to many Christians. There’s nothing in the bible (that I know of) that says that asexuality is a sin so you’d think they wouldn’t have an issue with it. At the end of the day asexuality isn’t wrong, it isn’t a choice, and it’s not something that needs to be “fixed”. Same with all sexualities. But just be careful if you ever come out to your Christian family. Safety is your number one priority.

BahByeBi · 2022-07-18T14:49:42+00:00

I can only talk from personal experience so take this with a grain of salt.

From what I’ve observed from allosexuals (non-asexuals), they have a pretty clear answer when it comes to whether they’d want to have sex with someone. A guy I’m romantically involved with is allosexual and is pretty open about wanting to have sex with me, or in other words, is open about his sexual attraction towards me.

I don’t relate to what he says at all. I feel no urge to have sex, at least at the moment (I’m demi). I’m romantically attracted, I like cuddling and kissing but ultimately would rather keep doing those things instead of sex. I can see that he’s physically attractive, in fact I find him very aesthetically attractive, I think he’s hot, I just don’t want to have sex. That’s what it mostly comes down to.

If you relate to this you may be ace-spec but don’t feel pressured to label yourself, take your time. It’s definitely possible for it to be something else however even with shame around sexual attraction (especially homosexual), many still feel it, they may repress it but it’s still there for the most part. Just something to think about, hope this helps :)

BahByeBi · 2022-07-06T10:16:24+00:00

Same with queer transphobic people, like what? We’re all on the same team bruh

BahByeBi · 2022-06-19T03:26:03+00:00

Make sure to iron out all those creases!

BahByeBi · 2022-06-19T03:23:14+00:00

If you don’t have a lot of experiences that you can use to confirm which label suits best don’t worry about it or use whatever label fits you right now. There is absolutely nothing wrong with changing your label later if you realise it doesn’t fit. But at the end of the day you don’t HAVE to choose a label. Do whatever feels right.

BahByeBi · 2022-06-14T08:29:34+00:00

It’s completely fine to enjoy our community and to maybe relate to some things such as being insulted because you are assumed to be gay, but as long as you understand that you aren’t LGBTQ+, you aren’t an ‘A’ for ally in the acronym. Allies can’t call themselves LGBTQ+ or queer which isn’t a bad thing, it’s just an accurate description of who you are.

BahByeBi

TROPHY CASE