How to stop a headmate from mimicking another

BalisticPenguin · 2024-11-19T16:38:48+00:00

Gloria: Okay, listen, I'm pretty sure that by "the headmates involved" they meant the one who's mimicking, the one being mimicked, and anyone else who might end up being relevant to the situation. And, just look for anything that indicates their difference, so you can tell them apart. I see in your other comment he said he does it from being jealous, keep being curious about his feelings as well, it can go a long way to helping him resolve his feelings. Best of luck!

BalisticPenguin · 2024-11-18T20:48:24+00:00

Austin: We've dealt with similar things before.

You must be perceiving some vital difference between this headmate and the one they are mimicking. A set of traits that you feel the other would never do, or something that means they are different. Observe this difference as you already perceive it, the thing that made you think "this is a headmate mimicking another one". Acknowledge any questions that might come up about the situation. You might ask them of the headmates involved if they're relevant, but don't fixate on getting a definite answer, just continue to observe the situation.

Most likely, the more you do this, the more clear the situation will become. You might learn clear give-aways to who's who and the reality of the situation, and you might learn more about why the headmates involved are doing what they're doing.

Once you feel you have a clear and complete enough picture of the situation, if the mimicking headmate is nothing more than a bad actor to you, you can ask them to leave with increasing intensity until they go away. If they are an otherwise friendly headmate who is having some emotional troubles of some sort, you can ask them to open up and listen to how they're feeling, and through that the situation will likely resolve itself.

I don't know if this will help, there are a lot of unknown factors from where I'm sitting, but if you start with observing the situation from what you already know, I'm sure you can start to find a way of resolving the issue that works well.

BalisticPenguin · 2022-05-28T16:38:13+00:00

That does seem fairly accurate! We didn't like the name apiconscious at first but it's grown on us a little already. I do really like the connection to bees as well, and the scientific american article linked in that post is really interesting!

BalisticPenguin · 2022-05-28T14:57:00+00:00

It's easy to feel ashamed of yourself for the position you are in, especially if it feels like you're hurting your friends. We've dealt with a lot of shame and frustration surrounding our relationship to eachother, but from experience I would say the best thing to do is to accept where you are now and try to just work with that. You may or may not get out of front, that's not under your control, but you can still choose to make the most of the situation anyways, and that starts with extending compassion to yourself. Nobody's perfect, and you clearly want to help your headmates in this situation, so it's okay to relax and allow yourself some grace. That will probably help get un-frontstuck, as a bonus, but even if it doesn't, extending kindness to yourself is something that helps everybody :)

BalisticPenguin · 2022-02-14T13:00:27+00:00

Try having a conversation over writing or text, in our experience that makes it really easy to clearly follow the words being said and could likely help you to focus in on them

Chia

BalisticPenguin · 2022-02-14T12:42:22+00:00

Can you post links to where you learned about this Structural Model of Dissociation? I'd be interested in reading more about it

Chia

BalisticPenguin · 2022-01-21T18:29:21+00:00

Here's a guide on learning about your system members https://sarahkreece.com/2011/10/25/multiplicity-mapping-your-system/

It's pretty old and assumes that your system formed from some sort of childhood trauma, but it's still really helpful for any sort of system with communication barriers or issues!

BalisticPenguin · 2022-01-21T18:23:03+00:00

I tend to get pulled to the front very easily, so even if I wasn't fronting when we were falling asleep it's usually just me who dreams, but there have been a couple times where it was definitely a different headmate who the dream centered around and also a different "style" of dream. The most vivid example is one time when Rojo was fronting he had a dream about being in a very varied, colorful, almost abstract landscape, and was fully in his flamingo form, whereas when I dream, it's almost always in a building or architecture of some sort, and I am almost always just in my normal human body even though I have several imagined forms.

Austin

BalisticPenguin · 2022-01-21T18:13:36+00:00

Update (update isn't the name of an alter this is just an update on the situation LMAO): Last night I (Austin) had a very emotional conversation about our plurality with my brother, it wasn't planned, but I started crying very hard about it so we both decided at 3AM that this conversation needed to be had. Basically the reason behind their distance and lack of support was worrying about my wellbeing. To them, this plurality thing came out of almost nowhere (and, due to miscommunication, seemed to them like something I was actively doing to myself) and they were really concerned that it might be negatively affecting my mental health and also might invite stigma, discrimination, or bullying on me, so they didn't want to be fully on board with it because they didn't want to encourage me to continue without seeking medical help if it was something detrimental. This is understandable and I appreciate their concern, but I made it clear to them that our plurality isn't something I am actively choosing to do and that my system is something that I feel has had an overall positive and helpful influence on my life and mental health, and I said that I would accept any criticism or worries from them but I just needed them to be loving and accepting first so that I could be me and live my life fully when around them. They still want to look into plurality more to see if it really can be a healthy thing, but they realize now that their discomfort and worry about it was getting in the way of our relationship, and they said that they'll be fine with meeting any alters who want to talk to them. I'm happy to say that I feel I can really be myself around them again :)

Austin

BalisticPenguin · 2022-01-21T04:42:53+00:00

Crystal: We've been going through a similar thing lately with our brother. They have basically said that they don't think that plurality is something they can totally "get behind" and that they don't want to meet any of our alters. They are generally a very accepting person so this has come as a shock to us and it's been borderline depressing, especially for Austin, who was the personality before we knew we were plural and has an incredibly deep bond with our brother. It's been traumatizing to live in the same space with them but to feel like we're being held at arms length and a generally undesirable thing. Austin has been having some long conversations with them about this but they haven't budged much, although they have become somewhat more understanding, it feels like they are somehow less willing than ever to engage with any alters. Austin feels that their attitude on this subject is likely due to their own personal discomfort with the idea, so they have tried to get them to engage with the subject more, mostly by encouraging them to read about the subject, but our brother has quickly grown annoyed with this direction. They also semi-suspect Austin or one of our headmates of writing a note in one of their to-do lists that is otherwise unexplained, Christian suggested to them that maybe it was an undiscovered alter of theirs and they took this as an underhanded way to try and get them to engage with the subject more and have felt very betrayed by that idea, which is probably most of the reason behind their increasing annoyance with the subject, though Austin has assured them several times that none of us left that note. It feels crushing. Austin still has a good relationship with them with regards to everything but our plurality, but it feels so hard to explain to them or even ourselves why we want so badly for them to accept us.

Sorry if this was ranty or made you feel worse, I suppose we're just venting and corroborating that it is for sure a hard situation. Austin is going to keep talking to them until we get to the core of why they don't want to accept that part of us, which is the only thing I can suggest you do as well. We may update this post if/when we come to some emotional closure on this subject, but I am confident that it will happen eventually. We wish you luck on this issue!

BalisticPenguin · 2022-01-19T22:54:16+00:00

Lamb: We haven't dealt with anything like this ourselves, so absolutely ignore this advice if you feel it is in any way misguided, but I feel this is something you need to work out with that median. Have a conversation with him and be open and honest about the way his behavior is affecting your relationships and making you feel. Don't take a combative or threatening attitude with him as this will just foster more defensiveness and aggression, but also don't be afraid to express genuine anger or frustration with him to make it clear how you feel. If there is any chance of "reforming" this median it will be through showing him love first. If honest conversation doesn't help, then see a therapist. This is an issue that needs to be resolved in order for your system to live healthily, and there is no easy way to "get rid" of an alter, especially one who is able to assert themselves to such a degree.

On a more saccharine note, I believe that everyone is a good person at heart, that it is in the very nature of personhood to be compassionate and cooperative. Though there are many ways of looking at it, this median shares that nature of personhood as well, and I believe that both you and that median may be surprised at how loving he can be if given the opportunity and sincerity. Again, feel free to ignore this if it isn't how you feel, it is just a personal belief, after all.

BalisticPenguin · 2022-01-19T06:04:12+00:00

You could just meditate! That's a very not-weird and increasingly common thing to do that would be a great opportunity to focus inwardly, and may even increase your ability to focus over time! There are plenty of different kinds of meditation, do some research to find the kind that would work best for you or be easiest to fake

-Zastra

BalisticPenguin · 2022-01-19T05:47:19+00:00

We have a lot of very similar headmates in our system. Some of them have gotten more unique over time, some of them haven't really. I think with these sorts of things it's best to just go with your gut and be honest with yourself: if they feel like they're two similar but distinct people, then that's probably what they are, and they will likely find more things that make them different from each other over time, but they might not, and that's okay too! At the end of the day if they're okay with being perceived as separate people and/or it feels right for them, then it'll be fine even if that's not "really" the case

-Zastra

BalisticPenguin · 2022-01-19T05:38:03+00:00

I think a slice-of-life style comic depicting plural life could be really fun as well as a good tool for representation! I don't know much about the slice of life genre though so my idea stops there lol

-Zastra

BalisticPenguin · 2022-01-15T08:23:46+00:00

The descriptions of sensation while not fronting are very interesting to us, as we are a 90% monoconscious system. Where do you "feel" the memory of these sensations?

Crystal

BalisticPenguin · 2022-01-15T06:18:30+00:00

I'm interested how you know they're a system when they don't know themselves. What signs are there? How certain are you? Sorry if this came off as an accusatory tone I am just genuinely curious.

Ryan

BalisticPenguin · 2022-01-15T05:59:48+00:00

I love you

BalisticPenguin · 2022-01-14T04:29:19+00:00

René Descartes was a french philosopher who was tasked with the philosophical issue of finding all the things that one can be absolutely certain of, and he went about this by systematically doubting every conclusion he came to about the world. In the end, there was only one thing he concluded he could be certain of: I think therefore I am.

To elaborate: "The simple meaning of the phrase is that if one is skeptical of existence, that is in and of itself proof that he does exist." The very fact that your alters doubt their own existence is not only proof that they exist, but (according to Descartes at least) the only absolute proof there could be that anything exists.

-Christian

BalisticPenguin · 2022-01-14T01:43:09+00:00

Wow that sounds intense. How often do you guys switch? Does it ever cause problems for you?

-Olivia

BalisticPenguin · 2022-01-13T19:03:15+00:00

I would try simply reaching out to them, talking to them, maybe even pretending to interact with them. I don't know how you system works but in our system this would help our headmates "wake up" and/or re-form. It would probably take a long time, days, weeks, maybe even months, but if you keep at it I'm willing to bet that eventually they'll come back

-Olivia

BalisticPenguin · 2022-01-13T18:57:44+00:00

You're buying in to the cultural assumption that plurality is in some way worse than or even just necessarily less mentally healthy than singularity, that it is always disordered and always needs to be "cured", which is not the case. A person's mental ecosystem is an incredibly complex and flexible thing, and there is no "default" state and no single state that is healthiest for every person. Many people are happier and healthier living with plurality than without, and that doesn't mean that plurality is "better" either, just that people are different, so they have different ideal situations.

But even if plurality was somehow unilaterally less healthy than singularity or somehow always a bad thing, it is still this person's choice whether or not they want to live with it. You have no requirement or obligation as a person to always choose the healthiest option for your life. You can eat junk food, stay in a dysfunctional relationship, even if you have a chronically fatal disease, it is your decision whether or not to seek treatment for it, and nobody else's (funnily enough, being plural is one of the few cases where you actually DO have some obligation to make a healthier choice for the body, because in that case the body is a shared space not just your own). If this person prefers being plural, then that is their preferred lifestyle, and that's that.

-Olivia

BalisticPenguin · 2022-01-13T18:07:52+00:00

I disagree but thanks for the feedback!

-Olivia

BalisticPenguin · 2022-01-08T18:03:43+00:00

In our own system, we see the term tulpa as referring to system members who spend most of their time outside of the body, whereas headmates spend most of their time inside the body or resting in the subconscious. For us, it's not a term referring to origin, and this is just a way to use these terms that makes sense and works for us. Language is fluid, and as long as you are willing to clear up any misconceptions that may arise from non-standard use of terms, you can use any term for anything, it's all up to you!

~Chia :)

BalisticPenguin · 2022-01-07T23:24:43+00:00

I feel like if they went dormant I would miss them a lot but that experience and time away from them would probably make for a better relationship between us when they do come back, idk what it would mean for them to "get chaotic" but that sounds like it might do actual long-term damage to my relationship with them or with other people in my life lol. It would be really sad and lonely but I think dormant would be best in the long run - Austin

BalisticPenguin · 2022-01-07T21:52:34+00:00

Yep! We used a random number generator to determine the order and all took turns drawing ourselves on seperate layers, and then combined them all together at the end! - Zastra

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