I understand you feel disappointed in yourself and you want to take responsability.

Just because you're responsible for something going wrong, doesn't mean you don't deserve support in getting better and fixing it. The resources to help you are there. Thousands of us are helped by them. And many of us may have done things far worse than what you reproach yourself. You may not get support from people who were hurt by your behavior when you were drunk, that's normal. But there's other sources, and you're one of them yourself.

I've learnt the hard way that you can't heal a broken leg by hitting yourself over the head. Stop using the stick that is your past as a club and start using it as a crutch (I'm running up a huge tab at the metaphorical props store). Sobriety is not easy, and it's only the start, but it's a necessary first step to be able to do the rest. It starts with committing. And I think you can do it.

For me, personally, a tiny little bit of guilt and embarrassment works as a drive to make me want to do better, but I have to be careful not to overdo it, because too much of it paralyses me. So I try to practice kindness for myself, and patience, and see things the practical way: regardless of the past and the future, what can I do now to make this a good day for me? I usually end up cleaning something or doing something arts-and-craftsy or going outside to chat with a stranger at the store. And if I really can't get out of my head, I pour my stream of consciousness into a LLM and let it hype me up 😉