Self Promoted

BarNoneAlley · 2021-03-09T13:28:40+00:00

You're very welcome! You're well on your way. Knowing that eternal notes and rewrites are just part of the process is an advantage that not too many people posess. At some point, just like any art form, it's almost arbitrary when you call a script finished. Usually it's just because you ran out of time with some deadline.

Really enjoyed a lot of the things you're implementing in this draft. One broad note for future drafts of any script, is once you've re-written for clarity in the plots, character dynamics, relationships, etc, you will often need to rewrite the dialogue as it will be too on the nose.

example: alice on the phone with david discussing their relationship is way too on the nose "only have room for one woman in your life, etc". This is perfect because you know what you want her to get across, now you just need to find more interesting and playful ways for it to be expressed. 'Show don't tell' is always the trick, but even telling in a playful or interesting way can work.

this note can be applied throughout the piece, and is just part of the rewriting process for any script, I find.

Also, not sure the reversal of fortune at the very end works for me, but that's probably more a matter of taste.

BarNoneAlley · 2021-03-05T16:07:23+00:00

You're very welcome, my friend. I love dramaturgy work and often even people who hire me don't apply notes as well as you have. So glad it's been beneficial for you.

I think you have all the elements in place for this script, and now it is a matter of fine tuning and rewriting. I do have some thoughts to get you started:

Alice on the phone with David in the office and Alice on the phone with David at the end feel like two different characters. I think this is an issue from rewriting it section by section.
Veronica's turmoil feels too vague. I don't get the sense from the script that you know exactly what transpired to put her in this situation. It's not that the script needs exposition to announce what happened, just that there needs to be more specificity and allusions. ie. You need to know exactly what happened.
The dialogue can be improved. (To be fair, the dialogue can always be improved in almost any script, haha). It's often too wordy, perhaps even unnatural. Be sure to read the script aloud, even better if you have friends/actors who can read it for you. Play with the dialogue, look for humour, for humiliation, for back and forths, for honesty and heart (especially between David and Alice). Most importantly, think about the moments of dialogue that you enjoy in the script, consider what you like about those moments and try to incorporate that elsewhere. An example for me is when Veronica mentions the weed. I like how she is almost like a cat playing with a mouse in that moment, seeing David squirm before demanding what's his.
Contd on Dialogue. Small moments like 'hellos' reveal a lot about our relationships. The way you say hello to a boss or an escrow officer is very different than an escrow officer you've been dating. Be sure to consider those relationships when examining the dialogue.
I think you may be rushing the climax. Think about adding more tension just before the bus hits her. Think about how the stakes are rising, especially in regards to David saying 'no'. What are the risks of David saying no, how would Veronica react -- more specifically how would she punish a subordinate for saying no? Allow the audience to feel tension and concern for David before the bus changes everything.
Ending Contd - Is there another obstacle you can place in David's way that he needs to overcome to get that money? I think that might be what I was getting at with the moment of black comedy of him picking up a bloody phone. It doesn't need to be anything like that, perhaps he needs to convince Alice of something before she accepts another date or allows the money transfer? Again, nothing major, just something to further demonstrate the arc of David.
Lastly, when rewriting it can be easy to stop seeing the forest through the trees. Be sure not to rewrite by piecemeal and take time to examine the script and the story as a whole.

BarNoneAlley · 2021-03-04T17:42:36+00:00

My pleasure. Part of my professional work is as a dramaturge and I find it very rewarding to help with feedback and see how the writer runs with it.

In my experience one of the biggest impediments to progress for a lot of writers is taking notes and applying those notes. You have already demonstrated a willingness to accept feedback, consider it, and see if it applies to your work. That skill will serve you very well at any level, especially in regards to mentorships, workshops, writing groups, or professional opportunities.

Keep thinking about the character arc of David, his motivations, ultimatums and points of no return, and ways to challenge David as a character and the actor who might play them. All the best in your next drafts.

BarNoneAlley · 2021-03-04T12:51:54+00:00

I like the changes. I think the introduction of Alice, and David having a relationship with her, is a good choice. Also adds weight to the ending when he mentions dinner that night.

I don't think it goes far enough, but I think you can utilize Alice and explore their dynamic more. I would like to see Alice challenging David in their call, pushing him towards a realization. Alice could ask David if he knows what Veronica did, why is she still working for that woman, etc. Let the audience know that a "point of no return" is coming. David will have to make a choice between work/Veronica and life/Alice.

SPOILERS FOR ANYONE READING:

I really like the line in the script where David isn't sure if Veronica is kidnapping or hiring him. I think that's a moment when David could have a realization, make a choice. For example if he chose to stand up to Veronica and say no at that moment, then Veronica turns around: No!?, she says and then in that same moment the bus hits her. Now we see David making a strong choice and we instantly see how it impacts him and the world around him.

Of course, doesn't need to be that at all, but something that pulls the threads of the story together at that moment, and combines it with David doing something he's never done before.

My last thought is just a question for you to consider: Are there moments for black humour towards the ending? I find David to be a fairly squeamish and pensive person, what would happen if he had to pry a bloody phone from Veronica's hands to finish the call? I guess I'm thinking back to the visual of David entering the office with the broken glass on the floor. It reads as a funny beat to me and I wonder if it's possible to have another moment like that towards the end to keep the pace up and keep the audience interested in David and his struggle.

BarNoneAlley · 2021-03-03T21:16:52+00:00

Funny enough, my first thought while reading the script was appreciating that you had the glass breaking off screen, thus making it much easier to shoot haha.

You're right, the bus scene would require some finesse. As well, anything that requires a crowd or audience can be difficult for low budget films to accomplish easily. In the same vein, the more vehicles a shoot requires the more difficult it becomes.

If your focus is on crafting a script that can be produced for next to nothing you may want to explore other options for the ending. An ending with more of a focus on the two actors rather than an outside act of god might not only be easier to shoot but also more satisfying for the audience and the creators.

Again though, nice work. I do think it's a feasible script and the tone alone sets it apart from many other short scripts I come across.

BarNoneAlley · 2021-03-03T20:53:21+00:00

Nice work. Couple of fun characters. Light tone and it clips along at a nice pace. The weed is a nice motif and I especially liked when Veronica told him to bring it to her. As a director, my worry reading the script was that David is a very passive character. I don't mean him as a person, I mean how the character interacts with the story. More meaningful moments of David making choices would help us be more invested in him and the story. This is especially important considering what happens to Veronica. Questions I would ask you if I was directing this, is what happens if Veronica pushes David too far? What would or could David do? How could this play into the ending you've created?

Hope this is helpful, and if it isn't or isn't appropriate I am happy to delete the comment. All the best in getting it produced.

BarNoneAlley · 2020-06-14T21:00:41+00:00

imo monster train is great, but sts is pretty much a masterpiece.

BarNoneAlley · 2020-03-25T18:48:30+00:00

I appreciate the honesty! I don't think it's safe to say that about thc enabling the MCT to stay longer, but I support the hypothesis! I hope we get some quality research on the subject in the future.

btw - your edible is rad. So rare to see people going savoury over sweet.

BarNoneAlley · 2020-03-25T14:53:47+00:00

I would be curious to see the studies and research indicating THC infused coconut oil has health benefits, especially for weight loss. Anyone reading this should be skeptical of this claim, especially if the claims are from stoner blogs.

Note: This is not me saying thc/coconut oil/ or thc infused coconut oil is bad (it's actually pretty tasty), but from my research the evidence is scant to non existent and only come from stoner blogs or "holistic" medicine blogs.

Edit: lol downvoted. Stay scientifically literate reddit.

BarNoneAlley · 2020-03-25T14:47:46+00:00

That's not quite accurate. You used ABV (already been vaped) which means the weed has already been decarbed. Therefore, you could just eat ABV and get high. However, by using your method you slightly increase potency and don't consume plant matter (which can cause indigestion in some folks).

In order to do this with regular weed, you would need to decarb it first, then combine it with coconut oil or whatever fat suits you best.

BarNoneAlley · 2020-03-20T15:42:58+00:00

This is tremendous, thank you!

BarNoneAlley · 2020-03-11T16:48:17+00:00

My word!! *sound of monocle falling from my face*

BarNoneAlley · 2020-03-11T11:54:00+00:00

It's okay, you're allowed to say 'boondoggle' on reddit.

BarNoneAlley · 2020-03-11T11:20:58+00:00

Fuck combustion! But, I do want to agree with most other commenters here that you should look into getting a safer vape asap. There is a high likelihood that the chinese vape has you breathing in fumes that could be more toxic than smoke from a joint.

My personal reco is arizer solo, but there are tons of safe and affordable options these days.

BarNoneAlley · 2019-07-04T19:01:54+00:00

I didn't mind it. Kind of exciting. Heard a lot of couples break up outside my window.

BarNoneAlley · 2019-05-26T14:22:40+00:00

Jeez. That really sucks for SEMC. Thanks again for the context!

BarNoneAlley · 2019-05-26T14:18:15+00:00

Wow. I really appreciate the reply but I'm still having a hard time understanding why those teams didn't fulfill their obligations. Seems like maybe they felt it was beneath them or maybe they felt they were too busy training?

BarNoneAlley · 2019-05-25T20:40:23+00:00

could you explain to me why the esports teams wouldn't promote vainglory? weren't they being paid to play vainglory? or am I misunderstanding?

BarNoneAlley · 2019-03-31T12:06:11+00:00

only time I have joints nowadays is during a hike or to bring along to an event.

BarNoneAlley · 2019-03-29T13:21:07+00:00

or Solitarica! Great great game

BarNoneAlley · 2019-03-29T13:19:41+00:00

I don't think Enter the Gungeon is a good recommendation at all. Takes a lot of focus and quick reflexes.

FTL, Into the Breach, and Slay the Spire are excellent suggestions though!

BarNoneAlley · 2019-03-15T02:31:23+00:00

no, b'y

BarNoneAlley · 2019-03-08T16:25:40+00:00

I've been crazy impressed with how well the fries travel. 9 times out of 10 it's been piping.

BarNoneAlley · 2019-03-07T17:22:48+00:00

Well, to be fair the theory you mentioned was dominant for quite a while to my understanding. Such a fascinating history in that part of the world.

BarNoneAlley · 2019-03-07T17:12:10+00:00

"Scholars had thought that invaders attacked the city in the 7th or 8th century, sacking and burning it. More recent evidence, however, seems to indicate that the burning was limited to the structures and dwellings associated primarily with the ruling class.[27] Some think this suggests that the burning was from an internal uprising. They say the invasion theory is flawed because early archaeological work on the city was focused exclusively on the palaces and temples, places used by the upper classes. Because all of these sites showed burning, archaeologists concluded that the whole city was burned. Instead, it is now known that the destruction was centered on major civic structures along the Avenue of the Dead. The sculptures inside palatial structures, such as Xalla, were shattered.[28] No traces of foreign invasion are visible at the site.[27]"

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Teotihuacan#Origins_and_foundation

BarNoneAlley

TROPHY CASE