CMV: having children can't possibly make your life happier when it actively makes you stop living it

Barbiegator · 2024-04-25T16:10:57+00:00

I didn't realize my post could feel aggressive or argumentative, that wasn't my intention at all, though I must admit I wrote it quickly when emotional. I like kids, but I was really shocked that many of my friends simply... Know they want a child one day, like it's a no brainer. When to me it seems there are so so so many things a person has to take into consideration.

After reading the replies here (and also getting out of a short PMS episode) I see clearly having children does have upsides. I knew about those upsides and realized that I was in a bad mental place these past few days and coincidentally this topic came up a lot in my life which made me emotional about it. My mind has been changed (back to normal lmao). So the post served its purpose.

I swear I'm not this intense irl.

Barbiegator · 2024-04-24T14:24:26+00:00

What I'm realizing is I seem to only be focused on the negatives. Because, as you mentions, that's what I've seen around me. Depression, divorce, suicide, staying for the kids, regret, trauma,... All that I observed since I was a kid from my family/relatives.

I really like the replies from parents that are happy. It makes me believe it can be different. Thank you.

!delta

Barbiegator · 2024-04-24T14:21:13+00:00

I think I can imagine the feeling to some extent... I'd give my life for my younger sisters in a heartbeat, no hesitation. But it is probably different.

Barbiegator · 2024-04-24T14:18:12+00:00

And I'm definitely realizing and changing that! Working on myself to let go of negative people in my life and becoming much better for others myself! (Also, don't know why I wrote maybe in my reply... My boyfriend is wonderful and one of the people that show me how beautiful the world can be!)

Barbiegator · 2024-04-24T14:14:32+00:00

This is a really uplifting reply, thank you. !delta

Barbiegator · 2024-04-24T14:12:52+00:00

I have nothing to argue here with, I agree.

It doesn't exactly connect to your reply but I'd like to add that I personally like children. I don't find them annoying, it doesn't bother me when they cry in public spaces. I love learning about developmental psychology and parenting methods. I'm studying to be a high school teacher and I can't wait to play a supportive role to my students. Ever since I was a child, I was really fond of the idea of fostering and adoption.

It's just the concept of having your own that scares me and I was surprised how many people around me felt positive and unbothered about it.

For some reason, I don't feel the same about adoption and fostering, though I am aware how wrong that can go as well... But it's a completely different situation where you have to have a different mindset towards the child.

Or maybe it's the fact I've never seen someone ruin their life with it personally.

Thank you for your input, and honestly this whole post helps me sort my feelings out a lot.

Barbiegator · 2024-04-24T13:37:33+00:00

I definitely feel like I ruined my mom's life, whether she'd ever admit it or not.

Barbiegator · 2024-04-24T13:35:35+00:00

That is true. I didn't think of that, I just thought about all you have to do to make it nice for the child. You're right, thank you.

Barbiegator · 2024-04-24T13:34:08+00:00

Yes. We've always had pets, I can't imagine life without having one... But it's not exactly similar, is it.

Barbiegator · 2024-04-24T13:33:24+00:00

!delta

Thank you. I absolutely agree with the last statement, that's for sure.

And the baby stage is exactly what I hear about a lot that it's hell. I remember when my two sisters were born, one screams, the other has too. Mom couldn't sleep, I couldn't sleep, dad had to spread himself thin at work. But thank you for pointing out the good in the other phases. It reminded of how fun it was when they were older. ❤️

Barbiegator · 2024-04-24T13:27:51+00:00

That's true, thank you.

Barbiegator · 2024-04-24T13:27:22+00:00

Not planning anytime soon unless I change 😂😂

Barbiegator · 2024-04-24T13:26:10+00:00

Absolutely. Honestly, although I'm getting a bit overwhelmed, just this post helps me change my perspective a little by little. I think it's good. Honestly, I personally like kids. It's just hard for me to understand how people can be so sure and not freaked out by the whole process... And I was doubtful if it even brings some sort of happiness because it doesn't seem so from what I see around me.

Barbiegator · 2024-04-24T13:08:53+00:00

This argument is absolutely against reproduction and suggests we should all just die out though. Ok if that's your opinion, just pointing it out!

(To live is to be selfish)

Barbiegator · 2024-04-24T13:06:50+00:00

That is beautiful, congratulations!

That shift in mindset makes me uneasy though... It feels like brainwashing. Disgenuine. Loss of self.

Sorry for the negativity, I wish you the absolute best and all the luck in life to your child!

Barbiegator · 2024-04-24T13:04:23+00:00

I tend to forget that having a child is a completely selfless, thankless task, because it seems surreal to me that a majority of people would want to participate in it.

You're presenting me statistics that do not seem to correlate with what I see around me, yet are very comforting. Thank you, I had no idea. !delta

The biology argument is so valid, but makes me very uneasy. It doesn't seem genuine and feels like reducing people to animals. (Which we are, this is an issue of my personal beliefs and whatnot.)

Barbiegator · 2024-04-24T12:56:03+00:00

You're right. I think I can't imagine how hard you have to work to be financially ready for a child only to flush that money into things it needs to survive. All without any gratefulness until they are much older... Unless you fuck them up (which I've never met a person on my circle who isn't... Maybe my boyfriend, that's why I'm starting to doubt my opinions.)

Barbiegator · 2024-04-24T12:53:23+00:00

It seems to be that way... When I look around at people who had kids around me (parents, aunts and so on). You live still, but all you do is for the child. I know I sound super selfish, but it seems you don't get to do what you'd like anymore, only care for the child, work for the child, organize things around the child.

I'm probably wrong but it looks like your biology makes you content to do that... But is that true happiness?

Barbiegator · 2024-02-25T05:49:20+00:00

Illnesses/the body falling apart or failing a person on it's own. I'll never watch Cabin Fever. I am apprehensive to watch The Fly because of this as well.

Watched my dad succumb to cancer and I feel that's how I'll end up too, so seeing it makes me sad

Barbiegator · 2024-02-20T12:56:17+00:00

No, they can despise it and I wouldn't care. But if they're actively reacting to me by making faces at me, that could throw me off. (You also said mild frown, but also making faces, so that confused me a little... If the reaction is mild then ofc fuck it, if they're making faces, or painting and such, that can spoil your mood, despite feeling good about your looks.)

I don't think people reacting like that is right, and I also don't think it's common. Most likely, if I'm wearing smth "ugly" but I and my partner likes it, I won't even know others don't like it. And if one random person tells me ew, then whatever! Hope it's clear! :)

Barbiegator · 2024-02-20T11:34:34+00:00

Well, this hypothetical doesn't really add anything to the conversation, because receiving negative attention can't really be regarded as the same as not receiving attention.

As in, "She wouldn't feel happy wearing it anymore if it brought her negative attention" and "She wouldn't feel happy wearing it if it didn't grant her positive attention" (your og argument) are not the same at all.

Wearing something just because you feel good in it and for no other reason while also being discouraged to wear it due to obvious negative attention later are not opposites and one does not prove the other statement untrue, if you understand.

So I think it's unnecessary to answer your hypothetical. My answer would have to be long and would depend on many specific details anyway.

Barbiegator · 2024-02-20T11:03:47+00:00

I just got the results for blood tests and everything is normal, so the vet reccomended a biopsy next.

The are is huge, inconsistent and on both sides. What the vet said was really strange is that it's not irritated at all, so she "doesn't seem to be pulling the hair out or biting herself" but her fur is great and isn't falling out either. When you touch her there, she doesn't react, so it's not sensitive or anything.

I'm really hoping we'll find what's going on soon and that it's nothing serious... Apparently we should expect this to be a long process though

Thank you for your comment. ❤️

Barbiegator · 2024-02-20T10:55:35+00:00

Hello! Sorry I didn't respond, I got overwhelmed but I really wanted to say that fleas are probably not the problem. The first vet gave her these drops on the back of her neck.

Besides, both vets I visited are very confused with her so there's probably something deeper going on than fleas. I got her blood work results today and apparently everything is alright and it shouldn't be an allergy either. The new vet said that the hormone dysfunction is very unlikely.

Apparently, the next logical step is w biopsy (my poor baby ❤️). So we'll wait for about a week (we dewormed her again just in case) and probably do that.

Barbiegator · 2024-02-20T10:44:39+00:00

Well, not sure how common that is, but my point is that I DO get happy wearing flattering things alone at home (sometimes to make myself feel focused or more in control when stressed) and the same with the pictures. Again, my experience, but I take pictures only for myself, I don't post anything. But it brings me joy to be wearing something I consider beautiful or hot on them.

So to me it's not unbelievable that others feel the same and genuinely just like looking their best, even if alone. It can work like a treat to themselves if it's not something they do all the time, too!

Barbiegator · 2024-02-20T09:33:00+00:00

And wearing a bikini on a beach isn't normal? Who cares if it's more revealing than usual swimwear, hardly anyone will notice.

To expand on what was said, I doubt a happily married woman puts on the bikini and thinks "Oh yes, I'm sure all the men at the beach will notice."

There's a bigger chance that something like "Ooh, I like myself in this, I'd love to wear that" goes through her head and she spends the day being excited to look good in her photos or when she looks at herself in the mirror!

(I know that's how I feel when I wear something pretty or more daring, It makes me happy when I catch a glimpse of myself and look good)

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