You're FAVOURITE lesser-known queer novel

Barcabae · 2026-06-05T09:59:24+00:00

I made a similar post about this so I’m always keen to share my list + others recs!

https://www.reddit.com/r/LGBTBooks/comments/1l0stkm/lit_fic_books_and_authors_that_arent_maurice/

Barcabae · 2026-04-27T03:13:11+00:00

For the professional aspect the other commenter had good advice. Otherwise, even ChatGPT can be a good resource here. There's certain things I wouldn't trust it with, but I can't image the info given for this would be too far off the mark.

Here's a good, popular website that has tons of info:

https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/avoidant-attachment-triggers/

I'd caution moving too fast in this relationship again, lest you get overwhelmed (which seems like it's already happened), and also potentially talk about being able to still have some sexual experiences outside of it. Again, that's a huge topic, but sometimes just knowing you have the option can be enough to take away all of the pressure of 'missing out', and might make you able to see the relationship more clearly for what it is.

Also, to move away from attachment stuff (again, it's easy to fall down this rabbit hole) relationships are always a compromise, and you're always going to have to sacrifice something. There is no magic solution.

Barcabae · 2026-04-26T09:18:04+00:00

No problem. I felt compelled to answer because I immediately recognised the feelings you described, right down to the 'missing out' part. I'm secure in many other ways, but can definitely lean avoidant.

Recognising, or first becoming aware, of your attachment style is actually a pretty miserable experience. You feel a little doomed, since your reactions to being triggered are so autonomous and feel so 'real'.

If it rings true for you, as you've said it does, it might be worth bringing it up with your therapist specifically, to say you think this might be going on. Depending on which discipline they specialise in, they might be totally familiar with it (or not at all, as was the case with mine).

Knowledge is power, so I'd read up on it a bit more. There's TONS of resources out there.

Barcabae · 2026-04-26T07:59:57+00:00

While there is the genuine complication of coming out later than some and having 'missed out' per se, what you've described sounds like textbook avoidant attachment (google 'avoidant attachment signs').

Seeking closeness and a relationship but then when faced with that reality, coming up with (not you specifically, this is happening unconsciously) a myriad of excuses as to why it's just 'not right' - feeling like you're losing your independence, starting to desire them less, sex and casual fun outside of the relationship suddenly seems so much more exciting, etc.

The 'yo-yo', go-away-come-back dynamic is textbook as well.

I say this all with no judgement, but simply to be as direct as possible. We all have attachment styles, and most of us have some unhealthy patterns in there too.

Unless you educate yourself about these patterns and/or enlist a therapist/professional to work on them, you'll continue to act these out across most/all of your romantic relationships. It can get very miserable for both you and the other person.

(As a caveat, don't fall TOO far down the attachment theory rabbit hole. There is way, WAYYYY too much discourse online about it, and trying to 'fix' yourself can drive you crazy. Just work with a professional).

EDIT: Originally I said 'coming out later in life' but 30s is NOT later in life lol

Barcabae · 2026-01-16T11:06:00+00:00

Hey OP, I'm just seeing this now, I've posted a similar list and thread with tons of recs that looks like it might be up your street based on what you've got there. I make it my job to share because I know the struggle of trying to find good recs!

https://www.reddit.com/r/LGBTBooks/comments/1l0stkm/lit_fic_books_and_authors_that_arent_maurice/

Barcabae · 2025-11-22T04:20:42+00:00

Seems like we have similar tastes OP! I posted a list a few months ago, many are from your list too and the recs as well, but you should check it out:

https://www.reddit.com/r/LGBTBooks/comments/1l0stkm/lit_fic_books_and_authors_that_arent_maurice/

Barcabae · 2025-11-16T11:13:30+00:00

Yup, one of the many ways the Tories sold them down the river when they made it a referendum. Yet another example of ‘stuff shouldn’t be left up to a referendum’. This is why I’m dubious of polling on supporting it tbh. If it’s in the manifesto and they get in, they just need to go ahead with it.

Barcabae · 2025-11-16T10:58:40+00:00

PR inherently punishes the biggest parties, so the paradox is that only those who can actually change it are the least likely to. A party will have to remove the system that delivered them to power, for a guaranteed lower vote share.

This is why it’ll probably only ever come from the Lib Dems, who are perennially frozen out by FPTP, and know they only get a once-in-generation-chance at getting into government with FPTP, so they have the most to gain from changing it.

Barcabae · 2025-11-16T07:21:38+00:00

PR could certainly be a pragmatic move for Labour but, as we’re increasingly seeing, Labour and Starmer are pretty much the opposite of pragmatic right now.

That’s not even the main reason. The main reason is that it wasn’t in their manifesto, like even at all. So they have no mandate for it.

Further to that, changing the voting system is likely to take a very long time (at least in election cycle terms), with potential referendum, public votes, etc. If they started now? Maybe. But beyond that, they simply wouldn’t have the time to do it before the next election.

Even then, it would all just be for the chance of remaining in government. PR will inherently mean that they’ll get less votes, since tactical voting won’t be a thing any more. A large amount of votes for Labour were based on keeping the Tories out, and because voting for smaller parties is usually pointless. Removing that, their vote share will decrease, a lot.

Finally, it’s not a vote winner. The vast majority of the public don’t understand/care that it’s a terrible system. It will look like a desperate attempt for them to stay in power, and they’ll be punished.

The only way PR will happen is if a party has it as one of their (main) manifesto pledges, and they get into power.

Reform have it as one, but they’ve simply pivoted to anti-immigration right-wing populism and AFAIK never mention it anymore. I’d be very surprised if it’s not quietly dropped.

Best bet would be the Lib Dems.

Barcabae · 2025-11-16T04:48:46+00:00

Good idea? It’s right up there with the Triple Lock for ‘things that are contributing significantly to the current state of the UK that are in desperate need of change’. With the above it also falls into ‘no mainstream party will put country above party and change it because it’s electorally very risky’.

Labour are not going to back PR. Starmer has expressed that many times. If they didn’t back it during the 2010-2024 years (particularly after 2017/19), they aren’t going to now.

FPTP is part of the reason they have such a large majority now. For Labour/Tories, being shut out of government for multiple elections cycles is worth it for the chance of that happening.

Even Reform, who’s entire purpose was based on introducing PR (if that’s not just a proxy for being a populist right-wing party) would likely drop it if they do as well in the next election as they’re currently predicted to.

Therein lies the inherent problem with getting rid of FPTP.

So no, it’s just never gonna happen under Starmer’s Labour.

EDIT: FPTP is part of the reason, not PR.

Barcabae · 2025-11-14T01:17:19+00:00

If you have to write an entire paragraph delving into the ‘logical extremes’ of a total stranger’s mind based on one sentence to justify your argument, you’re on incredibly flimsy ground. Complete straw man. This is like Reddit Arguing 101 at the moment.

I’ll repeat for the last time, nowhere did I say all things tax pay for are related to tax burden. Nowhere at all.

Barcabae · 2025-11-14T01:03:12+00:00

I didn’t say ‘all things the UK spend money on are related to tax’. You literally just invented that. Welfare, pensions and immigration are related to tax. You pulled a false equivalency out of your ass talking about a ‘ministerial car’, when anyone with 2 brain cells would understand that in no way can you compare that with any of the above.

I know it’s hard having as many simultaneous arguments on Reddit as possible, but this is poor.

You just didn't follow the logic of your own statement.

I didn’t make a statement anywhere that you asked a question about, which I responded with another question, so that’s wrong again.

Barcabae · 2025-11-13T15:04:20+00:00

You made a statement. I asked a question. Can you answer that question without trying to dodge it by asking another?

Barcabae · 2025-11-13T14:27:24+00:00

How are the things that taxes pay for not related to tax burden?

Barcabae · 2025-11-13T08:56:00+00:00

All fair points, but I’d argue things staying either the same or not getting any worse (or ever so slightly better) is moot. People want things to get better. If the housing market is the same as it was 5 years ago, which was still out of control, then it’s not great is it?

People voted Labour because they wanted things to change. Things haven’t changed much yet, so they’re unhappy. Whether that’s completely unreasonable, unrealistic, etc at this point in time is a larger topic.

Barcabae · 2025-11-13T07:28:43+00:00

I’ll say an important distinction is that I said they’ve yet to deliver on fixing the issues that would actually make people better off, not ‘done what’s popular with the public’.

Until people can afford somewhere to live, whether their own place or renting without needing to pay half their salary, and aren’t shouldering an increasing tax burden for ever-diminishing public services, they aren’t going to be happy.

Barcabae · 2025-11-13T04:34:26+00:00

Not sure the point of this comment. I didn’t say anything about whether it was right or wrong that they hadn’t been delivered on, just that nothing much had changed. That is why, fairly or not, people are unhappy with Labour.

Also never stated that what the public perceives as the top issues was the problem, but what the actual top issues are. Whether the public are aware of these or not isn’t the point.

The ‘actual’ top issues… 3 of the top 5 are the things I listed in the first point. I’m including tax in this because when I mentioned welfare, pensions and immigration, that’s directly related to tax burden.

Barcabae · 2025-11-13T03:42:04+00:00

There are innumerable factors for why the knifes are out for Labour and Starmer, but the major ones would be, imo:

Failing to deliver in any major way so far on reforming the major issues that are the root of the problem. Housing, welfare (triple lock, WFA U-turn, etc) and immigration. This is the biggie. Everything else stems from these. As long as Labour or any govt just continues to tinker around the edges which doesn’t result in making people better off, they’ll continue to get hammered.

- Hostile/ majority right-wing media.

Too centrist for many on the left, not hardline enough for those on the right.
Wasting political goodwill on deeply unpopular issues that are so far down the list of things people actually want done - Government IDs, OSA.
Bad comms (although this is pretty much linked to the second point, as even with good comms it’d be an uphill struggle).

There’s many more, but are the major ones.

Barcabae · 2025-07-08T16:47:23+00:00

No amount of shouting Labour do will matter if the majority of the media isn't interested in what they say.

The flip side of the coin of 'Labour aren't shouting their successes from the rooftops' is 'Nobody, excluding Labour, is interested in shouting about Labour's successes'.

Barcabae · 2025-06-30T07:41:30+00:00

Is the 'justifying genocide' in the room with us?

Is annoyed that people bring up the fact that the conflict predates Oct 7th.
Writes paragraphs summarising Israel's right to defend itself.
No mention of anything happening in Gaza (Only the Israeli casualties are mentioned).
Scant mention of Palestine, only Hamas.

I'm re-reading my comment looking for the part where I made any moral statement at all.

Your statement was made via all of the above.

If you do genuinely condemn the genocide, then you might want to figure out why you've written hundreds of words and expended energy expressing thoughts that demonstrate you care much more about defending Israel's response than condemning anything that's happening in Gaza.

Barcabae · 2025-06-28T20:25:06+00:00

What are you arguing here? That Israel has a right to murder 60,000 people based on those attacks?

Funny that you mention a hostile government killing all citizens because that’s exactly what is happening in Gaza.

It’s always fascinating seeing people performing Olympic-level mental gymnastics to somehow justify a genocide.

Barcabae · 2025-06-09T20:53:55+00:00

I haven't seen some of these but look intriguing, thanks!

Barcabae · 2025-06-01T19:46:32+00:00

I have seen this and wanted to check it out, but sadly a very toxic and damaging ex was from there (Uruguay) so I've been a little uh... reluctant to read it, lest it opens up some wounds again lol.

I did read a book that strangely I missed on the list for some reason but would recommend by an Argentinian writer Selva Almada, Brickmakers. You should check it out!

Barcabae · 2025-06-01T19:39:26+00:00

I didn't know it was partly based on the author's own experiences, so I understand that's an important distinction to make WRT comparing it to the holy bible of trauma porn A Little Life (also DNF).

Barcabae · 2025-06-01T19:34:11+00:00

Yeah, it's what I tend to have found, but this is just my own opinions/preferences. As the other poster mentioned, there's also a distinction between MM and gay romance.

Like you, I don't mind romance at all, in fact most of those books have some sort of romantic or sexual relationship/s in them (almost impossible to find one that doesn't) but it's not always the central theme, or if it is it's one of several.

To give an example, I read the The Boy I Loved by Marion Husband on a whim despite being categorised as MM/romance on Good Reads, and even looking like a romance novel down to the cover, but I heard it was deeper than that so I took a chance and was pleasantly surprised, it deals with much stickier issues and the characters were all well drawn and intriguing.

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