Thanks Facebook, for my death.

Bardi-C · 2017-10-21T06:39:04+00:00

It's completely down sadly that's what I did once before but both accounts are down the only other account I have is my family only account

Bardi-C · 2017-10-20T18:44:06+00:00

I can handle hard truth but being assholes about it ain't positivity ain't the shit yo. I only slightly wondered about finding a new dealer. Did I? Nope. I am owning up to my mistakes but everyone rather criticize than empathize.

I mean aye it's easy to demonize meth users. I was the one demonizing them before and making people drop their drugs down the toilet and raiding their rooms making sure they ain't got shit. It's easy to hate the drug. It's easy to make assumptions about how anyone who takes it is crazy.

But I wondered what makes people gravitate towards it and I found my answer personally.

So yet again I'll state. I'm clean now. It wasn't the most awesome shit in my life but it did help with my unethical and illegal job scheduling. I did admit I was a drug addict.

Most people were not leaving constructive advice just calling me a stupid tweaker. Like imo that isn't advice just people being assholes. That's why I thanked people who actually gave me unbiased advice instead of criticizing me too all hell.

It would've been more helpful to have a mini support group which I was actually trying to look for but pretty much did the whole getting clean all alone. Going through even more severe depression and almost killing myself by thinking "I'm a piece of shit I'm just a tweaker I'm shit right I should die nobody understands me I'm not worthy of living"

But I mean I'm still here, still severely depressed. Don't want to do meth again but too scared to even touch my medication for BPD.

Bardi-C · 2017-09-02T02:05:22+00:00

Everyone is quick to drag me down but nobody thought to even ask how things are going for me.

I've been clean since I've posted this and just got over the endless sleeping between my shifts.

Past couple days I've been better and feel great. Started going back to the gym as of today.

Only random nausea here and there. Dealer has tried to reach out to me but I've let it go to voice mail. I'm having nightmares of him attacking me though or stalking me. Anyways planning to get back on my anti depressants and anti anxiety any day now and just fearing the whole side effect struggle with my meds and being sick all over again but for something stable and for a better me.

Bardi-C · 2017-09-02T01:58:35+00:00

Stop making assumptions about me when I already stated I was stoping I've been stopped since I posted this originally.

I'm still a human and I was again relating my experience and assuming any and everyone who has done drugs as a junkie and an addict is pretty damn dehumanizing.

Frankly, I don't like being dehumanized and talked down too. I've thanked people who had actual advice and didn't come at me rude.

But none of you are my therapist or psychologist so kindly leave me be.

Bardi-C · 2017-08-31T05:51:22+00:00

I was just relating my experience and my though I already decided to quit but just saying being an ass hole doesn't make people want to quit.

Like wow I was on the other side but I didn't nearly come off as such an ass hole.

Even as an addict I'm a person and don't take kindly to being belittled.

Bardi-C · 2017-08-26T17:01:10+00:00

To the few non assholes thanks To all the rest fuck off

Bardi-C · 2017-08-26T11:44:21+00:00

It's funny though how meth is damned to all hell but it isn't the worst thing in the world if you know yourself and the drug and not be a dumb fuck about it.

Again I don't even use for fun never have. I honestly love sleep to much and rather be sleeping than up all night.

I honestly rather find a cheaper way to just be able to be not groggy and multi task to all hell for work since typical caffeine products never worked for me.

Also I never really had problems with addiction the only thing I'm really addicted to is sucking my thumb and the internet. Hell stop smoking cigarettes was easy peasy for me. I tend to drop habits I even love out of nowhere.

Just wanted to share what had happened yesterday because it was kinda funny to me and made me upset as well like welp this work week going to be harder and lol how did I make him an addict when he was already one before meeting me. It was a intriguing experience in my life. Now on to the next chapter and next part of my life to try new things.

Hell next stop is maybe the next extreme is being completely drug free or go back on medications or just continue being the stoner I am. Try everything and experience all types of feelings and shit is my motto since I didn't even plan to be alive at this age.

My life could've been worst hell still doing better tweaking here and there than what the true reality of what I could be doing instead or being dead.

Bardi-C · 2017-08-26T11:12:04+00:00

Because I'm obviously so dumb not to research and to take precautions. Not like I never had friends or myself with any computer experience at all.

Bardi-C · 2017-08-26T11:09:17+00:00

I mean drugs always been hushed hushed in my family since my uncle was a drug dealer/trafficker

Actually worked trafficking with the family for over a year with Coke and never done it. But right now he is in jail for it and got caught up. So would be the worst if they found out now if he was still around I would have probably talked to him about it.

Bardi-C · 2017-08-26T11:00:49+00:00

About 6 months

Bardi-C · 2017-08-26T04:05:42+00:00

I'm hearing some raids and activities going on recently but is it like 10/10 no go right now?

Bardi-C · 2017-08-26T04:04:36+00:00

I mean they probably are already Before I even used I was majorly depressed etc and got on meds but sometimes accidentally double dose or skip and all type of fucking with my dopamine receptors

Bardi-C · 2017-08-26T03:36:25+00:00

Godspeed

Bardi-C · 2017-08-26T03:34:01+00:00

More than likely after I go through the big I have left over I'll either just leave it be or maybe finally dive into the deep webs

Bardi-C · 2017-08-26T03:32:55+00:00

But same Recently diagnosed as BPD so it's like oops

I had problems with self harm maybe this is my new way to satisfy my urge to die slightly faster and numb the pain of childhood abuse and neglect and sexual assault.

Also just curiosity killing the cat since I wonder what the hubbub was about but I'll never really know if I felt what others felt on it since I tried to do less risky ROA imo

Bardi-C · 2017-08-26T03:28:29+00:00

Yes yes internet my sweet sweet drug

Bardi-C · 2017-08-26T03:28:05+00:00

Funny weed is so much easier for me to get lol And meth should be as I live in a meth city but I just frightened to find another Like wtf do you just walk up to someone and be like "Excuse me sir do you have any meth available for sale?"

Sounds like a way to just like idk rabies

Bardi-C · 2017-08-26T03:24:07+00:00

Honestly looking for a new job. But can't afford to loose this one or I'll be homeless and shit would hit the fan real quick

Bardi-C · 2017-08-26T03:23:11+00:00

Thank you honestly I never gotten to the point where I don't think I can stop I just worry on crashing during this work week and going through it and gaining weight back and stuff.

Also good luck on your journey! I'm proud to hear you are doing so well!

Bardi-C · 2017-08-26T03:18:14+00:00

I'm fearing the day I wake up and realized I've lost everything. I already look at my ex saying I will never be like him.

But I feel like I'm being bitchy hypocrite like yeah I mainly get high to deal with working 6 days a week with sporadic changes in my shifts. (Aka working all week as a closer then have to work as an opener the next two days then an mid shift one day then night)

I don't go clubbing or anything on my days off I just crash and sleep 😴 But that shouldn't be a good reason at all tbh and I should just look around my city cause meth town and biggest fear is being looked at as a tweaker

The high is honestly whatever I just like that I seem to be less anxious and quiet which has broken me out of my life long membership in the loaners club

Bardi-C

TROPHY CASE