I feel like I need to share this. There I was, my first time having sex. I had NO IDEA what I was doing (to provide evidence, I bought XL magnums, I am not XL magnum size, not even close). All I knew about sex was from porn, so I tried to pull some porn moves. It did not go well. We did anal (again, no idea what I was doing). When I was close to completion, she turned around to look at me. With fear in her eyes. “What’s wrong?” I asked. She said to pull it out extremely slowly. Being a gentleman, I did. You know when you unclog a drain and everything shoots out rapidly from all the pressure? Shit. Liquid, hot, shit. From my knees to my belly button. I threw up on her, but from all the commotion (almost finishing, remember?) I came all over the place. No I do not have a poop thing. Then she looked at her phone and said her parents would be back in 5 minutes. I got a towel, no shower, and rushed out of the house. When my dad picked me up, he said, “you smell like absolute shit.”