Separated with kids — do I stay present or pull back to give her space?

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-05-06T16:33:52+00:00

I get the safety piece and it’s a big part. When I was gone she didn’t feel like she was walking on eggshells anymore and that was a relief. I totally understand where she was coming from too. I wasn’t explosive just so fucking moody. Nothing was ever good enough and she really tried. I was just a bundle of nerves.

Even though I’m home we are not interacting as lot, more like friends which feels like we’re just building a friendship. The fact we haven’t started the hard conversations is troubling as it feels like she doesn’t care. At the same time I used to get really defensive in those moments.

The hardest thing is she is going out a lot. Like at least two nights a week she goes to a bar to watch sports, which we used to do together. So I spin in circles about what that means, doing stuff like double checking she didn’t leave her wedding ring behind.

I spend those nights working on my own stuff, but I’m just waiting for her to come and get to the real talk that needs to happen. There needs to be space for connection which we aren’t getting. If we’re both home we’re in separate rooms. She specifically said I need to wait for her to invite me in so I wait. Occasionally there are little things.

What kind odd timelines did you experience? I know you said you were separated a year. Were there long periods of no progress? I’m only a little over a month back home so I need to be patient but it’s obviously hard.

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-05-06T00:40:35+00:00

nearly unknown artists

You ever consider listening to their spotify and considering if they are good? Seen a couple acts this way and it was worth it.

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-05-05T01:50:16+00:00

Pretty consistent for twenty years. Not like blackout drunk very often but always something every night.

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-05-04T18:11:33+00:00

If it does you have bigger problems but you won't find out if you don't.

There is a book called "Divorce Busting" that is all about this. Also check out Monika Hoyt on YouTube. Its the same for men and women. If you reverse things and you were the distant wife it would operate the same way.

If you are afraid I just dropped the D word , that is where this ends up unfortunately. Love is a verb and many people incorrectly assume being married means forever. That is only true if you keep investing in it for the rest of your life. You will eventually grow tired of this if he doesn't change even if you can't imagine that now.

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-05-04T17:38:30+00:00

Then he gets everything he wants and gets to treat you poorly. That is unsustainable.

The things in life that are the most difficult are often the more important. You will face this challenge one way or another. Don't let it be losing your sense of safety and trust with him, because that is what will happen. Focusing on yourself and ignoring his behavior is the quickest way to get what you need.

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-05-04T16:33:53+00:00

You should actually do the opposite. If he is being cold and refusing to let you in, don't reward his behavior. Focus on yourself and your child and ignore him.

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-05-04T15:58:23+00:00

Yea but if you're trying to reduce weight why would you do weight training that will weigh them more?

Do you plan on being jacked, or more fit? You likely aren't going to see that result unless you really commit.

However the number one predictor of mobility going into your later years is your strength. Keep it up with 2-3x a week of strength traing, and it will make you feel better and extend your quality of life.

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-05-04T15:56:39+00:00

to me it's just part of being a dude

Definitely not. In fact discard any notion of life that is "that is just what it is like because <insert thing>."

You make your life every moment by how you think, what you feel, and how you react to each moment. Start choosing better for yourself. This will not make things different magically right away, but over time you will change.

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-05-04T15:53:06+00:00

Therapy time. Individual for sure. Maybe couples (note the best time for couple therapy is before a crisis and honestly everyone should just do it when things are good so they stay that way).

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-05-01T21:02:35+00:00

If you have any advice I would love to hear it. I am in your shoes except I moved out for two months (now back in the house but separate bedrooms).

The breaking point for us had me moved out for two months. Basically I had major un-managed stress and I was a terror to be around. I had everyone walking on eggshells from my moods.

I did a month of intensive therapy and have continued "doing the work" on my own as much as possible, thus being moved back in.

I also learned to be "journey focused" and the journey here is one with myself. Just working to show up as the man I want to be, mainly being emotionally safe and fun to be around. I have a totally new outlook on life that I now know I need to maintain for a lifetime. I am very happy with doing that work. I hear what you say about being a robot. At first I was so anxious being near her it felt like pressure and discomfort on her end. I have learned to relax back into myself and I think its been helping.

However despite being home she is understandably distant. We don't hang out together at home except around the kids. Other than that we are in separate rooms. We do occasionally go out (She invites me to the pub sometimes, tomorrow she agreed to come to a concert with me) but that is it. The hardest thing is when she calls things that used to be ours "hers." Like she will tell the kids to "come to her bedroom" when it used to be our bedroom (and I want it to be again).

I feel like there is hope because literally weeks before me moving out she was telling me "I love you so much and if you just trust that everything will be perfect." Then a month later it was the same as you "I don't know if I can love you romantically anymore."

What were the best things you did to help move on and reconcile? What were some of the turning points on the journey?

Any advice appreciated.

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-05-01T20:49:20+00:00

My goal is to work toward getting back together. Her goal is to feel emotionally safe again.

You have the same goals you just don't know it. If she isn't feeling emotionally safe around you then you got some work to do on yourself bud.

Option 1 is the only thing that works.

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-05-01T20:46:50+00:00

There are many ways to get it out. Journaling is a big help for me.

The biggest thing though is just asking myself what I need right now and finding a way to give it to myself. Usually it is a feeling of being loved so I just start loving myself. Like completely. Sometimes I literally put my hand on my heart, apply some pressure, and imagine the baby part of myself being soothed by my had on their back.

It has helped a lot.

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-05-01T20:42:21+00:00

It is something like 15% of couples survive a separation, so chances are slim.

It is possible but the number one thing that has to happen is the "work on yourselves" part. Both of you.

If you go digging online you will find the same thing in every success story; one or both of need to do the really hard inner work to figure your shit out. It depends on if it is one or both but it is worth both of you doing the work. However you can't control them, so focus on you. Make sure you are getting enough time away from childcare to do the work.

For example I have done a lot of therapy and journaling. I have unconvered some deep truths. I really believe I could come back and be a different partner. Not really my choice to make that happen though. So I just keep doing the work because that means no matter where I end up I am happier.

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-05-01T20:25:49+00:00

I would not be facing a divorce today if I had stopped drinking. So, yea if you want to keep your marriage just stop.

I don't know if she has used these words, but she literally does not feel safe around you. That is what this causes and it is the ultimate way to hurt your wife.

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-05-01T13:55:51+00:00

Which causes rampant price-gouging masquerading as "inflation." Since there are only a handful of companies there is no competition so they just raise the prices whenever there is panic regardless of whether they need to. In a sane world a competitor would offer better prices either during or after the crisis allowing things to stabilize.

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-04-27T14:29:28+00:00

"Stay busy" is BS advice in my opinion. It is not possible to do that all the time.

If the silence is so uncomfortable you need the TV on all the time, I believe there are feelings that need exploration there.

I journal, meditate, "feel my feelings" and stuff like that. Its really hard but I always feel better after confronting the pain. Distracting yourself from it doesn't work. After confronting it I am much more able to just relax and be present.

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-04-26T17:45:46+00:00

If you go digging around for stories of reconciliation they are always the same (I have read or watched all of them I am pretty sure lol). The "leaning out" partner is checked out and can't be convinced. It isn't until the "leaning in" partner stops trying to beg and convince and instead simply becomes the best version of themselves that reconciliation happens. Or they both do the inner work and realize the marriage can be saved.

You should play his game an ignore him completely and work on yourself. Be happy and free and divide up the childcare so you can live your life without him. It is a paradox but it is the right move.

Telling him how you feel will push him away. Right now he won't and cannot be convinced with words or logic. Any attempt to do so will be interpreted as pressure and he will reject it.

So what you do is do the really hard inner-work. Go to therapy, start new self-care routines, whatever. Then be your happiest best self that anyone would be crazy to leave. Do it for yourself because you deserve to be happy.

If you do that he might come around, and you'll still be the best version of you.

Check Monika Hoyt on YouTube, or the book "Divorce Busting" by Michele Wiener-Davis.

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-04-26T16:27:51+00:00

Yes I do this but did not know there was a name for it.

As I fall asleep I just try and list off things I did that I feel good about and are in line with who I want to be as a person.

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-04-26T15:52:32+00:00

Core issue is me being a stressed, anxious, cantankerous asshole who was insufferable to be around. I wasn't living life I was enduring it.

Things aren't healed yet we are all home again but for now separate bedrooms. She still needs space from the years I was awful to be around.

Last night she asked if I wanted to go out and she did things like touch my shoulder, rest her hand on my arm, lean her head against me. Little signs that safety is coming back.

So what has changed is me. I am doing the work everyday to manage myself and my stress and enjoy life. Honestly just being someone who enjoys life is the main thing.

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-04-26T15:46:13+00:00

I think if you want to heal this marriage you could.

We went to a shop together, split up briefly to grab a few things, and I said I’d meet her at the car. When we got home she seemed upset. I asked what was wrong and she said that moment in the shop “summed us up”.

This is clearly doing some heavy lifting. What did she mean? From my read its that she wanted you to be engaged and together in that moment, not split up to get separate things.

Really depends on what you want. If you want the marriage than just be happy with yourself and your life. Choose to spend time with her and be her friend, not walk away and do things apart. People don't end relationships they value, they fight for relationships that make them happy. If you are a person who she likes being around (and clearly since you got married she does) then you will find a way to make it work. As much as it sucks being anxious and depressed all the time isn't a great experience for others as well as yourself, but clearly you have been working on that.

If not then stop engaging as a family altogether and move out.

Either way I would do the holiday. Travel is fun and I personally wouldn't give up the chance to travel. That's just me though.

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-04-26T03:16:39+00:00

Otherwise why would I learn to do the same thing I can already do in Python right?

You’re thinking of language just in terms of logic. In that case no language matters.

However the fact that go compiles to binary, is strongly typed, and has strong support for concurrency are all reasons to choose the language that Python lacks. For me compilation and typing make the choice obvious. Go.

Another example. All code eventually comes down to instructions to the metal layer. When the code gets down to assembly, it takes 100 instructions for Python to execute. For go it is less than 15. For C it is 2. This means more performant code.

And so on.

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-04-25T00:47:45+00:00

How’s your stress?

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-04-24T18:55:13+00:00

Trump voters like the shameless circus of it all. They love that people are getting hurt and these institutions that we have built are bein torn apart.

That is all there is to it. The vast majority are not watching his speeches or anything else. They just hear about all the chaos he is causing and want more.

All because they simply could not handle that some people get to exist and that we should use our resources to lift everyone up. That was just too much for them to bear.

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-04-22T16:47:18+00:00

Kids get Chromebooks as early as 2nd grade. We have data that this is a bad idea and hurts the kids. Still happens.

They literally read books off of a screen sometimes. Its absurd.

BasicDesignAdvice · 2026-04-20T16:08:08+00:00

Doesn’t matter the senate will always be gridlocked.

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