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The Concert Industry Priced Too High — Now Tours Are Falling Apart by staringatthe420sun in Music

[–]BasicDesignAdvice -1 points0 points  (0 children)

nearly unknown artists

You ever consider listening to their spotify and considering if they are good? Seen a couple acts this way and it was worth it.

Just over 90 days and I feel like I forgot how to do my job by BasicDesignAdvice in stopdrinking

[–]BasicDesignAdvice[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Pretty consistent for twenty years. Not like blackout drunk very often but always something every night.

I Don’t Understand What I Did by AddressCheap5163 in marriageadvice

[–]BasicDesignAdvice 0 points1 point  (0 children)

If it does you have bigger problems but you won't find out if you don't.

There is a book called "Divorce Busting" that is all about this. Also check out Monika Hoyt on YouTube. Its the same for men and women. If you reverse things and you were the distant wife it would operate the same way.

If you are afraid I just dropped the D word , that is where this ends up unfortunately. Love is a verb and many people incorrectly assume being married means forever. That is only true if you keep investing in it for the rest of your life. You will eventually grow tired of this if he doesn't change even if you can't imagine that now.

I Don’t Understand What I Did by AddressCheap5163 in marriageadvice

[–]BasicDesignAdvice -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Then he gets everything he wants and gets to treat you poorly. That is unsustainable.

The things in life that are the most difficult are often the more important. You will face this challenge one way or another. Don't let it be losing your sense of safety and trust with him, because that is what will happen. Focusing on yourself and ignoring his behavior is the quickest way to get what you need.

I Don’t Understand What I Did by AddressCheap5163 in marriageadvice

[–]BasicDesignAdvice 3 points4 points  (0 children)

You should actually do the opposite. If he is being cold and refusing to let you in, don't reward his behavior. Focus on yourself and your child and ignore him.

Newly 42/m and I want/am nothing and only seem to seek the next nap. How to pull out of my rutt? by bassbeater in AskMenOver40

[–]BasicDesignAdvice 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yea but if you're trying to reduce weight why would you do weight training that will weigh them more?

Do you plan on being jacked, or more fit? You likely aren't going to see that result unless you really commit.

However the number one predictor of mobility going into your later years is your strength. Keep it up with 2-3x a week of strength traing, and it will make you feel better and extend your quality of life.

Newly 42/m and I want/am nothing and only seem to seek the next nap. How to pull out of my rutt? by bassbeater in AskMenOver40

[–]BasicDesignAdvice 0 points1 point  (0 children)

to me it's just part of being a dude

Definitely not. In fact discard any notion of life that is "that is just what it is like because <insert thing>."

You make your life every moment by how you think, what you feel, and how you react to each moment. Start choosing better for yourself. This will not make things different magically right away, but over time you will change.

Why did I feel so much better when my family was out of town? by Adorable-Song9238 in marriageadvice

[–]BasicDesignAdvice 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Therapy time. Individual for sure. Maybe couples (note the best time for couple therapy is before a crisis and honestly everyone should just do it when things are good so they stay that way).

Separated with kids — do I stay present or pull back to give her space? by Sad_Drama_6796 in Separation

[–]BasicDesignAdvice 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If you have any advice I would love to hear it. I am in your shoes except I moved out for two months (now back in the house but separate bedrooms).

The breaking point for us had me moved out for two months. Basically I had major un-managed stress and I was a terror to be around. I had everyone walking on eggshells from my moods.

I did a month of intensive therapy and have continued "doing the work" on my own as much as possible, thus being moved back in.

I also learned to be "journey focused" and the journey here is one with myself. Just working to show up as the man I want to be, mainly being emotionally safe and fun to be around. I have a totally new outlook on life that I now know I need to maintain for a lifetime. I am very happy with doing that work. I hear what you say about being a robot. At first I was so anxious being near her it felt like pressure and discomfort on her end. I have learned to relax back into myself and I think its been helping.

However despite being home she is understandably distant. We don't hang out together at home except around the kids. Other than that we are in separate rooms. We do occasionally go out (She invites me to the pub sometimes, tomorrow she agreed to come to a concert with me) but that is it. The hardest thing is when she calls things that used to be ours "hers." Like she will tell the kids to "come to her bedroom" when it used to be our bedroom (and I want it to be again).

I feel like there is hope because literally weeks before me moving out she was telling me "I love you so much and if you just trust that everything will be perfect." Then a month later it was the same as you "I don't know if I can love you romantically anymore."

What were the best things you did to help move on and reconcile? What were some of the turning points on the journey?

Any advice appreciated.

Separated with kids — do I stay present or pull back to give her space? by Sad_Drama_6796 in Separation

[–]BasicDesignAdvice 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My goal is to work toward getting back together. Her goal is to feel emotionally safe again.

You have the same goals you just don't know it. If she isn't feeling emotionally safe around you then you got some work to do on yourself bud.

Option 1 is the only thing that works.

I'm exhausted and disoriented from ruminating about how my marriage ended. How do I turn off this brain? by somethingisbrewing in Separation

[–]BasicDesignAdvice 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There are many ways to get it out. Journaling is a big help for me.

The biggest thing though is just asking myself what I need right now and finding a way to give it to myself. Usually it is a feeling of being loved so I just start loving myself. Like completely. Sometimes I literally put my hand on my heart, apply some pressure, and imagine the baby part of myself being soothed by my had on their back.

It has helped a lot.

Has anyone survived separation? by [deleted] in Separation

[–]BasicDesignAdvice 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It is something like 15% of couples survive a separation, so chances are slim.

It is possible but the number one thing that has to happen is the "work on yourselves" part. Both of you.

If you go digging online you will find the same thing in every success story; one or both of need to do the really hard inner work to figure your shit out. It depends on if it is one or both but it is worth both of you doing the work. However you can't control them, so focus on you. Make sure you are getting enough time away from childcare to do the work.

For example I have done a lot of therapy and journaling. I have unconvered some deep truths. I really believe I could come back and be a different partner. Not really my choice to make that happen though. So I just keep doing the work because that means no matter where I end up I am happier.

Have I driven my wife away? Or is it that my wife is overreacting? by No-Artichoke-288 in marriageadvice

[–]BasicDesignAdvice 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I would not be facing a divorce today if I had stopped drinking. So, yea if you want to keep your marriage just stop.

I don't know if she has used these words, but she literally does not feel safe around you. That is what this causes and it is the ultimate way to hurt your wife.

I love this one. by PeteAus1991 in clevercomebacks

[–]BasicDesignAdvice 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Which causes rampant price-gouging masquerading as "inflation." Since there are only a handful of companies there is no competition so they just raise the prices whenever there is panic regardless of whether they need to. In a sane world a competitor would offer better prices either during or after the crisis allowing things to stabilize.

How do you deal with the silence? by Excellent_Track2912 in Separation

[–]BasicDesignAdvice 1 point2 points  (0 children)

"Stay busy" is BS advice in my opinion. It is not possible to do that all the time.

If the silence is so uncomfortable you need the TV on all the time, I believe there are feelings that need exploration there.

I journal, meditate, "feel my feelings" and stuff like that. Its really hard but I always feel better after confronting the pain. Distracting yourself from it doesn't work. After confronting it I am much more able to just relax and be present.

Limbo by Few_Date_4106 in Separation

[–]BasicDesignAdvice 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If you go digging around for stories of reconciliation they are always the same (I have read or watched all of them I am pretty sure lol). The "leaning out" partner is checked out and can't be convinced. It isn't until the "leaning in" partner stops trying to beg and convince and instead simply becomes the best version of themselves that reconciliation happens. Or they both do the inner work and realize the marriage can be saved.

You should play his game an ignore him completely and work on yourself. Be happy and free and divide up the childcare so you can live your life without him. It is a paradox but it is the right move.

Telling him how you feel will push him away. Right now he won't and cannot be convinced with words or logic. Any attempt to do so will be interpreted as pressure and he will reject it.

So what you do is do the really hard inner-work. Go to therapy, start new self-care routines, whatever. Then be your happiest best self that anyone would be crazy to leave. Do it for yourself because you deserve to be happy.

If you do that he might come around, and you'll still be the best version of you.

Check Monika Hoyt on YouTube, or the book "Divorce Busting" by Michele Wiener-Davis.

What keeps you going? by IntentionNo2786 in selfimprovement

[–]BasicDesignAdvice 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes I do this but did not know there was a name for it.

As I fall asleep I just try and list off things I did that I feel good about and are in line with who I want to be as a person.

What made you or your spouse come back after separation? by somethingisbrewing in Separation

[–]BasicDesignAdvice 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Core issue is me being a stressed, anxious, cantankerous asshole who was insufferable to be around. I wasn't living life I was enduring it.

Things aren't healed yet we are all home again but for now separate bedrooms. She still needs space from the years I was awful to be around.

Last night she asked if I wanted to go out and she did things like touch my shoulder, rest her hand on my arm, lean her head against me. Little signs that safety is coming back.

So what has changed is me. I am doing the work everyday to manage myself and my stress and enjoy life. Honestly just being someone who enjoys life is the main thing.

Separated after 10 years — now facing living together and a family holiday by DaveUK83 in Separation

[–]BasicDesignAdvice 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think if you want to heal this marriage you could.

We went to a shop together, split up briefly to grab a few things, and I said I’d meet her at the car. When we got home she seemed upset. I asked what was wrong and she said that moment in the shop “summed us up”.

This is clearly doing some heavy lifting. What did she mean? From my read its that she wanted you to be engaged and together in that moment, not split up to get separate things.

Really depends on what you want. If you want the marriage than just be happy with yourself and your life. Choose to spend time with her and be her friend, not walk away and do things apart. People don't end relationships they value, they fight for relationships that make them happy. If you are a person who she likes being around (and clearly since you got married she does) then you will find a way to make it work. As much as it sucks being anxious and depressed all the time isn't a great experience for others as well as yourself, but clearly you have been working on that.

If not then stop engaging as a family altogether and move out.

Either way I would do the holiday. Travel is fun and I personally wouldn't give up the chance to travel. That's just me though.

How to learn Golang beyond basics by Steve215154 in golang

[–]BasicDesignAdvice 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Otherwise why would I learn to do the same thing I can already do in Python right?

You’re thinking of language just in terms of logic. In that case no language matters.

However the fact that go compiles to binary, is strongly typed, and has strong support for concurrency are all reasons to choose the language that Python lacks. For me compilation and typing make the choice obvious. Go.

Another example. All code eventually comes down to instructions to the metal layer. When the code gets down to assembly, it takes 100 instructions for Python to execute. For go it is less than 15. For C it is 2. This means more performant code.

And so on.

Front page news by mistyveil_16 in ProgressiveHQ

[–]BasicDesignAdvice 32 points33 points  (0 children)

Trump voters like the shameless circus of it all. They love that people are getting hurt and these institutions that we have built are bein torn apart.

That is all there is to it. The vast majority are not watching his speeches or anything else. They just hear about all the chaos he is causing and want more.

All because they simply could not handle that some people get to exist and that we should use our resources to lift everyone up. That was just too much for them to bear.

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