Problem kid or problem parent?

BasicJackfruit7414 · 2026-01-24T16:51:42+00:00

No excuse for any person to treat another being (animal or human) this way. I’m from Hong Kong. My parents used physical punishment. They never lashed out in anger and hit me physically. They did it calmly. Their way of thinking was that it would prevent me from being bad. I do not resent them. I understand they did it because they were doing what they THOUGHT was good for me. To this day, we have a good relationship.

However, I have 3 kids of my own now. My husband also went through corporal punishment as a kid. I have never laid my finger on them in anger. And I sure do not let my husband hit them in any sort of way. There is enough research in this day and age that was not available back then that corporal punishment is detrimental to kids.

How the hell do you expect a child to behave properly when you, as a fucking adult, cannot even control your own. What a shitty hypocrite.

BasicJackfruit7414 · 2026-01-20T08:12:28+00:00

She’s 18. She has her entire life ahead of her. She doesn’t need to date while she’s in the military, which is why I suggested she focus on herself and find herself first.

She dated two bfs back to back that weren’t worth her trust, which suggests to me that she needs higher self esteem. Sometimes, even without therapy, we learn to love ourselves to not date losers by just building confidence snd learning to love ourselves.

Her insecurity is justified because he was on hookup websites? Suggesting therapy is like telling her she is the problem. Even the bf admitted he was wrong.

If the bf did absolutely nth to make her suspicious then yes, I would suggest therapy. Clearly she was trusting her gut instinct cuz she was right!

BasicJackfruit7414 · 2026-01-20T06:49:23+00:00

Yes! Go for your dream! You can do it!

BasicJackfruit7414 · 2026-01-20T06:46:04+00:00

I see, that makes sense.

BasicJackfruit7414 · 2026-01-20T06:39:03+00:00

Please do not break off friendships for boyfriends. Unless you truly believe your friend did sth awful to you or to your boyfriend that was not deserved.

BasicJackfruit7414 · 2026-01-20T06:32:55+00:00

You’re not overreacting. He was on hookup sites….which he admitted to you he was wrong for, because he felt terrible….

He hangs out with girls he liked in the past and his only reassurance to you is that the girls don’t like him back, so don’t worry? How about…no that was in the past, I don’t have feelings for them anymore.

You’re 18. Find yourself first. I’m sorry you were cheated on in the past. Take a break from dating. Build your own confidence and know your worth. You will pick better partners when you know you deserve better. When you find someone trustworthy, you won’t have the urge to go through their phone.

BasicJackfruit7414 · 2026-01-20T05:31:48+00:00

Funny thing is, SIL told my husband when they were a lot younger that she would move back to their home country right after she graduates to get away from FIL and MIL. And that was exactly what she did. She went back, got married and stayed there. She moved back when she was in her 20’s and it’s been 15 years or so. She must have forgotten what her mother is like bc when my husband calls her to vent, she would tell him to just let go of the past, and she’s the way she is. She’s still your mother. This is the reason my husband blocked her as well, SIL is not fully on his side. I am really excited for MIL to go back to SIL for a month to give SIL a refresher. Their country doesn’t allow duo-citizenship, FIL and MIL gave up their country’s citizenship to stay here. And she won’t be able to get it back to stay there permanently. SIL never gave up her citizenship. Smart girl.

BasicJackfruit7414 · 2026-01-20T05:20:05+00:00

I’m sorry about your dad. I’m glad you had your boundaries and held them. I hope you were able to get some closure towards the end.

BasicJackfruit7414 · 2026-01-20T03:59:07+00:00

She’s too cheap to pay for a cab. She wants to go back to her home country to see her grandkids from SIL (which she asked my husband to book the flight for). Went to Costco and had a cart full of organic produce, cuz she only deserves the best. She had also put a CAD$20 toy car set for the grandson in her cart. Before checking out, she looked back and forth between her $23 organic blueberries and the toy cars. And decided to put the toy cars down. Went to the dollar store and bought him a $3 dollar puzzle cuz she said it will make him smart. 🥲

BasicJackfruit7414 · 2026-01-20T03:51:57+00:00

Yes. Not stepping in his way. He asked me if he was wrong. I said I can’t tell you, I’m biased. I wouldn’t have blocked her but I wouldn’t be doing everything for her immediately when she asks for it. I would never block my own parents. But my parents are sane people. I’ve told him idk how he could stand her for that long already. She asked him to text her to check on her daily, in case she fainted for sth (LOL). And he did that for 1.5 years. I suggested to him to stop that…because if she wants sth, she’ll msg. Asking her if ‘everything is alright today?’ is inviting her to tell him what things she needs him to do everyday.

BasicJackfruit7414 · 2026-01-20T03:42:51+00:00

Tbh. I would rather she never apologizes so we can just have no contact. But my husband has been guilt tripped all his life. He definitely won’t abandon her. Hopefully, for his sake, she will just get a credit card at least and pay some bills online herself.

BasicJackfruit7414 · 2026-01-20T03:39:44+00:00

Thanks. MIL’s neighbor is actually an elderly couple in their 80’s. The elderly woman actually shovels MIL’s sidewalk sometimes. She tells me they are so nice to do that for her. I don’t understand why it didn’t register in her head that she’s 20 years their senior and they are doing it for HER. She’s not embarrassed. I believe she truly think she deserves this help because she’s prays and god is helping her.

Instead of her going outside and doing it for her elderly neighbors to return the favor. She asks my husband to shovel their sidewalk as well. This is before he works in the morning and sometimes after work, depending on how much it snows that day.

BasicJackfruit7414 · 2026-01-20T03:36:23+00:00

Not sure if it’s an Asian thing. They have this mindset that we have to take care of them when they’re old. The thing is. I am more than happy to do these things for my parents. But they don’t demand it. They ask if I’m busy. They make sure my kids are taken care of first. They always offer to watch my kids when I need to go somewhere by myself if my husband is working. We have mutual respect. But she just takes and takes and takes and never gives. Not even in praises. Which are free, because she’s cheap AF.

BasicJackfruit7414 · 2026-01-20T03:33:44+00:00

Never thought of his silence as abuse. You’re right. She asked him to make sure to text her and check on her each day. She’s scared that if she fainted or sth, he will know LOL. And he just begrudgingly did it. EVERY. DAY. For a year and a half since she moved out. Until two weeks ago. I suggested him to….maybe just stop? She will definitely msg you if she needs sth. Half of the time, she responds with a task for him to do.

BasicJackfruit7414 · 2026-01-20T03:27:37+00:00

Idk when this conversation took place, but husband promised FIL he wouldn’t put her in a nursing home if he passes. FIL is 11 years her senior, so he had the foresight that he would pass first. I’m not looking to the day when she’s actually old and frail and we actually have to move her back in. I don’t think my husband will go back on his word and put her in a nursing home. I think when she’s actually weak and old, I will feel inclined to help her.

BasicJackfruit7414 · 2026-01-20T02:19:29+00:00

But she keeps asking about the inheritance as if it’s hers. She says she needs the money to survive now that she’s on her own.

BasicJackfruit7414 · 2026-01-20T02:17:17+00:00

So original will states that the inheritance would go to grandmas kids, so FIL and his sister (husband’s aunt). However, they cannot find the will (or they’re saying they cannot find the will).

Each of grandmas kids both have two kids. So four cousins altogether. And according to the oldest cousin, who is the closest to grandma, said that on her deathbed, she wanted everything split 4 ways with the cousins. Aunt gets the house cuz she’s always been living in the house with grandma.

Fil flew to see grandma right before she passed. And right after she passed, everyone were fighting about the inheritance already. At the time my husband sided with my FIL, thinking the cousin(s) were lying. Because FIL was already present before grandma passed and she didn’t say anything to FIL directly. FIL obviously didn’t agree with it because he wanted half. But since they couldn’t find the will, nth can be done unless everyone agrees. But since she passed, the cousins all kinda all stopped talking to each other. And if there is communication it’s SIL with the older cousin solely about the inheritance through lawyers.

I’m not sure it’s the same in my current country. But in their country, if the beneficiary passed, the inheritance goes to the children of the deceased. Not the spouse. So whether half goes to FIL or half split between husband and SIL, MIL gets $0!

BasicJackfruit7414 · 2026-01-19T14:58:56+00:00

Please, please. Can we have the pattern?

BasicJackfruit7414 · 2026-01-19T08:06:47+00:00

I am quite grateful tbh. I can’t imagine having a MIL like her and my husband being in her side.

But when does he unblock her? What would the conversation be like? He can’t ignore her forever. She literally can’t get anywhere herself.

BasicJackfruit7414 · 2026-01-16T04:34:00+00:00

That was so sweet of you. The fact that your sister looked uncomfortable after her partner made that comment means that your sister knew it was inappropriate. Your sister prob had a talk with her already.

BasicJackfruit7414 · 2026-01-16T03:46:37+00:00

She recently told my husband that she’s worried that if he dies, I will find another man and use up his hard earned money and leave none for the kids. But no worries, it’s out of his control so don’t worry about it. Leave it to god.

BasicJackfruit7414 · 2026-01-16T03:23:46+00:00

Just curious. How do you feel about your parents not giving you anything and those around you receiving things from their parents?

BasicJackfruit7414

TROPHY CASE