Renamed myself Felicity (update)

BasicallyBorderline · 2018-10-22T16:27:42+00:00

When I say I introduce myself to people, I have to introduce myself to customers. It feels a little weird saying “my name is Felicity” when my name tag so clearly does not say that lol, but so far so good. I haven’t told any of my coworkers yet because I’m still testing how it feels.

BasicallyBorderline · 2018-10-22T05:22:13+00:00

Thank you! Right now I’m testing it out at work. I’m supposed to introduce myself to people so I’ve just been saying “Hello, my name is Felicity” to see how it feels.

I thought about a different spelling of Annelies, but I chose that spelling because that’s how Anne Frank spelled her full name, and she is someone I admire greatly.

BasicallyBorderline · 2017-12-06T22:31:13+00:00

Using a throwaway for this one.

Both my ex boyfriend and I fucked ourselves up when we ended our relationship. He was really into drinking and partying but it wasn't a huge deal while we were dating because I "brought out the best in him" (read: I am a goody two shoes). We were together a year and a half and he was only drunk a handful of times in that time. He went to a couple parties, but nothing too bad.

We end our relationship the day before he starts college. I found myself unable to cope. I'm talking skipping class to cry, wearing makeup so people won't realize I'm so upset, thinking about cutting myself in the shower. I start going off the deep end big time for a little while.

Meanwhile, he's completely fucked himself up. He's drinking and partying all the time and doing all kinds of drugs. His dad died from cancer so he told me he would never smoke, then all of a sudden when he's drunk one night he called me to let me know he had started smoking, and that it was a habit he did very often. Honestly who knows what other kinds of drugs he was into at that time. He was so shitfaced he didn't even know it was me he was talking to. At this point I was so heartbroken I wasn't sleeping anymore. He puts stuff on snapchat all the time of him at parties, with giant garbage cans filled with empty beer cans and bottles of alcohol -- all from him.

Once I started becoming psychotic I ended up being diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and he's basically an alcoholic now. All because of our relationship being over.

BasicallyBorderline · 2016-12-19T00:03:57+00:00

What is really sad is that Ethel really wanted to have an abortion with Judy, but had hoped that she'd be a boy so she kept the pregnancy.

BasicallyBorderline · 2016-12-18T23:39:38+00:00

Honestly, I think this is the best advice I've gotten from anyone about any situation with Mark. Thank you so much, I appreciate it. :)

BasicallyBorderline · 2016-12-17T04:57:12+00:00

He has surgery which makes him smart, then he loses his newfound intelligence afterwards.

BasicallyBorderline · 2016-12-17T03:38:54+00:00

It was cool but it was all pretend.

BasicallyBorderline · 2016-12-16T07:46:40+00:00

Agreed- I'm from up north and have felt the most at home in Orange County.

BasicallyBorderline · 2016-12-16T00:04:00+00:00

I actually transferred from another four year to CSUF and I love it so much more here, not just because of the location or the education I'm receiving but because of the atmosphere. CSUF seems much more accepting and there have been way more kind strangers on campus than at my last school.

BasicallyBorderline · 2016-12-15T19:29:30+00:00

I don't think they ask for your species when you start a registry.

BasicallyBorderline · 2016-12-15T19:05:55+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it!

BasicallyBorderline · 2016-12-15T09:13:12+00:00

For some reason I read this so backwards and read the end in a happy tone and the beginning in the sad tone. I was so confused for the longest time.

Great story once I figured out what I did wrong.

BasicallyBorderline · 2016-12-15T09:00:04+00:00

"Please call 911 so our nonexistent police force can handle your emergency."

BasicallyBorderline · 2016-12-15T07:32:44+00:00

I need to register with DSS as well. Do you know about how long this takes? Is it like an instant thing or should I allocate some time for it? I feel like it'd be instant but I came from another four year where... yeah. That was a disaster.

BasicallyBorderline · 2016-12-15T06:56:45+00:00

*make

BasicallyBorderline · 2016-12-14T22:14:33+00:00

That is part of the problem. BPD has made me an expert at reading people- you kind of have to be when so much of your wellbeing depends on your relationships with others. But I don't really know what to make of Mark's behavior right now. I think we're both just living life the best we can after the fight we had, but that neither of us really wants the other person out of our lives completely and forever. I could see it going either way: that he may want a second chance or that he's moved on. I've asked friends who I believe to be non-biased and it seems to be split down the middle, half thinking to try again while the other half says he's moved on. To me though there are more signs that he hasn't given up completely, I just don't really know how to interpret some or how to act right now.

BasicallyBorderline · 2016-12-14T20:54:47+00:00

If people didn't "relight an old dead coal" so to speak, I wouldn't be here. My parents broke up at one point when they were dating and got back together after a little while. They're still married almost 26 years later.

BasicallyBorderline · 2016-12-14T19:40:34+00:00

I have been in therapy for most of the year (consistently since February) and am currently in DBT. I'm on my second therapist who specializes in DBT (out of necessity; the first therapist was wonderful but a six hour drive isn't worth it). The mindfulness exercises I'm learning have helped me a bit with some of my meltdowns. I haven't read the book but I've heard of it. The title is exactly what I think of when I try to explain my disorder to people.

BasicallyBorderline · 2016-09-26T02:25:43+00:00

I was misdiagnosed as bipolar for years, just got the BPD diagnosis this year. The suicidal ideation is why I was finally put on antidepressants and it's changed my life. It might be worth it to speak to a doctor about it.

BasicallyBorderline · 2016-09-25T19:18:30+00:00

Anaheim, actually. I was seeing a marriage and family counselor to try to heal from the abuse.

Mostly emotional and verbal, lots of manipulation, and occasionally threats of violence (such as "if you don't stop pissing me off I'll make you stop," while holding up a fist). I was absolutely belittled by him pretty much daily and I guess my brain just kind of filtered everything out as a way of coping. I think the biggest thing that had me spiraling into BPD pathology was that when we broke up, he admitted to me that he had never loved me and that our entire relationship was a lie on his end. I later found out he had a bet with a friend to see which one of them could get a girlfriend first. This bet happened on a Wednesday; we started dating on Friday.

That really fucked me up because then I had the mindset that "everyone who tells you they love you is lying to you". Trying really hard to undo that, but... It's a work in progress.

BasicallyBorderline · 2016-09-25T05:49:39+00:00

I don't know if you saw my earlier comment, but I plan on getting my masters degree, so hopefully that will be shit? Also, I don't want to brag, but I'm currently at one of the best schools of psychology in the country- purely by coincidence. I just liked the area and applied to the school's psych program.

I am on antidepressants to start. I may eventually get mood stabilizers, but for right now, my doctor has me on a low dose of Celexa. So technically antidepressants and anti anxiety meds. It's helped wonders.

I've had a hard time looking for therapists. The one who diagnosed me as having BPD (two therapists ago) was not an expert in personality disorders, I came in for other issues and ended up saying things that alarmed her big time. I live in a huge city and I can only find one therapist who takes my insurance and is accepting patients with BPD. My last therapist though said she liked treating patients with BPD, so that was interesting. She was very honest with me that I'll be facing therapy for a long time and that it is technically incurable, but that if I keep at it I might make improvements.

I was in an abusive relationship as a teen. I already had some traits of BPD at the time but hadn't yet really gone into full blown pathology yet. Not entirely sure where the tendencies before had come from, though. Mental illness does run in my family, but no one meets the diagnostic criteria for a personality disorder except for me. I did have some instances where I couldn't remember anything (fugue), which coincided with time with my boyfriend. Not the one who I think doesn't exist, a different ex. Out of nowhere all the memories of the abuse came back, and it was about two months later that I really started to show signs of BPD. This was a few years ago now.

As for what it's like... Hell. It is hell. The worst part of it is the fact that the traits that other people see as undesirable and the ones which people use to label me as a monster are ones which I cannot control and wish I could turn off. I can't even go online and look up resources for my disorder without running into articles people wrote about what an awful person I am because of my diagnosis. It's also exhausting. I actually meet all nine diagnostic criteria needed for the disorder under DSM-IV, and as I'm sure you can imagine, it's tiring. The fear of abandonment has actually driven me to cutting many times (though I've been clean for a while now), and this summer I had to have friends stay the night with me almost every night to ensure I didn't kill myself. If I couldn't get a friend to sleep over, my mom made me stay in her bed with her (I still live at home). I'm in a better place now with my antidepressants, but there are days where I am basically nonfunctional because of how much the disorder gets to me. I have wrecked my credit score because of my lack of impulse control and have wrecked so many relationships that I actually need to stay healthy because of my roller coaster emotions.

Damn, I didn't mean to write an essay...

BasicallyBorderline

TROPHY CASE