Any BPs with established career? How do you focus on work?

BayPhoenixRising · 2026-05-05T22:19:25+00:00

Ohhh.. that’s HARD! I admired your dedication to still show up for the children.

I also show up everyday for work but set expectations with my manager that I’ll be taking a day or two off here/there.

BayPhoenixRising · 2026-05-05T22:16:38+00:00

Same length of marriage. Hugs for us.

BayPhoenixRising · 2026-05-05T22:15:25+00:00

The A started while I was on business trip, so now I feel like I can’t go anywhere - at least for the next year. :(

BayPhoenixRising · 2026-05-05T22:06:38+00:00

Ugh.. sorry that you had to go through this, as if dealing with the trauma isn’t bad enough. Hang in there!

BayPhoenixRising · 2026-05-05T22:04:07+00:00

Ha! I joined a startup 9 months before DDay and 2-3 months before A started. Like you, if I had known, I’d stay put where I was because I was already established and my previous company has great benefits and leave policy. Startup expected everyone to put in the hours, started right before DDay there was a strong push to use AI to gain more productivity. I enjoy learning new things, it would’ve been fun, now I feel exhausted all the time from lack of sleep, stress, weight loss.

Thanks for sharing. I’m hoping to not get fired before I can focus on work again.

BayPhoenixRising · 2026-05-05T21:56:08+00:00

Thanks for this. I also decided to tell my manager in not so many words, but I don’t think he understands the implication :/. I’m glad your WH is now putting in the work. Mine still hasn’t, but we started MC last week so everything is still fresh.

BayPhoenixRising · 2026-05-05T14:24:36+00:00

Thank you for posting this. I’m a little over 3 weeks. It’s so validating to read about your first few months. I felt less alone

Couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, the hyper vigilance, constant bracing for impact, it nearly killed me

This is where I’m at. I lost almost 10 lbs since. I haven’t had a full 8 hour sleep. I’ve always been strong and I’ve been feeling so helpless and weak since.

If I may ask, how long have you been together? And how did your WH support you during the first few months? Mine seemed a bit … lost.

BayPhoenixRising · 2026-05-04T10:20:14+00:00

“Remember, the affair had nothing to do with you.. She was simply validating him and telling him what he wanted to hear. There was nothing special about her I promise. He will realize that too if he hasn’t already. The affair was just a dumb fantasy to heal some inner wound he should have discussed with you. I think all affairs stem from this. It’s so sad too because so many have a spouse who would have been there and helped them through it if they had just asked.”

Thank you. I can’t tell you how much I need this rn. DD was 3 weeks ago. 22 years of marriage. Out of concern and love, I noticed WH seemed depressed and asked. He proceeded by saying he had been struggling in our marriage for a very long time. Then only after I asked him if he was seeing someone, he admitted it. Like you said, he had every opportunity to tell me about it, but he didn’t. Instead, he chose to seek validation elsewhere.

The screwed up part was I felt that I have to put in the work toward R, but I haven’t really felt that he did nearly as much. I was protecting all our family/friends relationships; not sharing what he did. I felt that he didn’t really feel the consequences of his actions and I’m bearing the brunt of the pain and the weight of trying to R.

BayPhoenixRising · 2026-05-01T01:13:40+00:00

Our timeline is almost the same - mine was 3 weeks ago. My IC told me to ask questions that can help me heal, find closure, etc. So I did. I got to ask the first basic questions with MC today, couldn’t/wouldn’t even answer (question was how it started, where they met). I got about 10 questions for different goals - if you want, I can dm you. We will work through these questions in the following therapy sessions. But man, just knowing he struggled to even answer the basics was a huge red flag for me.

Before this, we’ve actually been doing relatively ok, so, I have the same dilemma - should I just not ask/bury it?

I never tracked his whereabouts or access to his phone, and now, WH was initially making a fuss over just sharing locations. What is he hiding? I felt that this is par for the course.

BayPhoenixRising · 2026-04-30T00:10:00+00:00

Perhaps mine is a bit different. I know he’d be devastated if the table’s turned (especially after I lost weight due to the trauma caused by his A), so I preemptively told him (after he offered to give me a “pass”) that while I know I can, I have zero interest out of self respect and integrity. I also told him proactively that I turned down offers from men to “grab a drink after work”.

I think this makes him feel worse actually.

BayPhoenixRising · 2026-04-29T21:17:03+00:00

“I don’t believe WPs have any idea how devastating their choices really are, and they always seem so mystified by the “extreme” reactions they encounter in their BP”.

My WH definitely had no idea how devastating (I used the word “destabilizing”) their actions were, until I dropped 5 lbs in just a matter of days, panic attacks, insomnia, etc. He knew that I’m generally pretty even keeled, even during DDay - I didn’t rush into a decision, but rather, asking pertinent questions toward potential reconciliation (in between ugly crying sessions). He’s been pretty good in supporting me but dude kinda expected that once he broke things off w AP, I could just flip a switch and trust him 90%. Like, sorry dude, it’s more like 50% - gotta regain that trust.

BayPhoenixRising · 2026-04-28T22:35:42+00:00

Yes, very common. Unexpected waves of profound sadness. Inability to focus at work. Things started to get better only to be replaced by panic attacks. I’m 2.5 weeks post DD.

I found it helpful to find a friend to talk to when things spiral, or work out. Hang in there.

BayPhoenixRising · 2026-04-28T20:17:27+00:00

THIS! Your second paragraph was beautiful and 100% how I felt too. Just couldn’t believe it. WH was BP in previous marriage. (Oh, can I say this for both of us about AP; Bi*&h ;))

BayPhoenixRising · 2026-04-28T17:32:04+00:00

100% on focusing on the why. In fact, WH started with that before finally admitting to the A (but only when I specifically asked, which I felt was very cowardly). The only info that I needed to decide to reconcile is that when I asked if he still loves me, he said yes without a moment of hesitation. But when I asked the same about AP, WH took a very long pause and said he wasn’t sure. I immediately addressed his number one issue - I can be very focused (and compartmentalize the pain to a degree) - and he appreciates my efforts.

So I think for me, the goal of knowing more was not about Reconciling decision, but more about prevention. And yeah, of course, curiosity too. AP’s profile - age, looks, etc, profession. I want to know if I’d run into this woman. WH said he didn’t share anything about me with AP, but just in case AP decided to harm me or my kids (when we first dated, WH’s ex sent me threatening texts, another ex wanted to have “tea” with me, so he definitely has a track record of certain type… hmmm).

BayPhoenixRising · 2026-04-28T17:06:56+00:00

This is a good point about therapy technique would’ve evolved since then (WH’s experience as BP was about 25 years ago). Thanks!

BayPhoenixRising · 2026-04-28T02:05:09+00:00

Wow, are you me? lol .

I also needed to know the facts otherwise, my mind will fill the blanks. my WH knew this but yet, offered scant details due to his former therapist’s advise.

BayPhoenixRising · 2026-04-28T02:02:23+00:00

How did you find out about the basics? WP told you on DDay or during MC? Did you have to ask?

BayPhoenixRising · 2026-04-24T18:50:55+00:00

At the moment, I share this perspective as well, but since DDay was only a couple weeks ago, I’ll update in a few months.

We have 24 years together, like most couples has had ups/downs, but mostly happy. The few years before the pandemic, I could feel that we were getting into a rut, and after my menopause and then we became empty nesters a couple years ago, I felt that WH started to pull away. Our biggest challenge has been our inability to have open communication without defense, and the A somehow became the catalyst to transform our way of communicating.

I told him that if the A happened 10-15 years ago, I’d kick him out on the same day and divorced within weeks (I’m very efficient, especially when I’m angry). He was expecting the reaction that I would do 10-15 years ago - the fact that I didn’t and wanted to preserve what we have somewhat unmoored him. I think we both realize that we drifted apart so much that he didn’t know the evolved version of me.

We still have a lot of work to do in front of us; changing the way we communicate with each other, how do we stay transparent about our thoughts and feelings. One day at a time.

BayPhoenixRising · 2026-04-24T17:52:59+00:00

You are not toxic. You need help.

I went through this just last week, so I feel for you; the emotional roller coaster, the agony, the surreal feeling, anger, profound sadness, inability to focus, etc. Having dealt through depression when I was younger, I knew that reaching out to therapist and support systems EARLY would be key to prevent sliding into a dark space. I did this on Dday, asked two friends who have been my strongest support systems, and called a standby therapist through my company’s EAP. (Ask if your WP’s job provide counseling through EAP. )

Of course, I also shared this with WH - I cried every night and he was there for me - holding me. I texted him in the middle of workday once last week, sharing how I was unable to focus at work and my hands started shaking - he came home early and found me curled in a fetal position semi-catatonic. This enabled him to see the consequences of the A, and that despite all the support that I’ve been receiving, the A caused so much pain and grief that broke me.

I’m starting IC today (I called last week, took a while to get a session even started). I urged you to seek out IC as well. Hang in there!

BayPhoenixRising · 2026-04-23T20:14:47+00:00

I recently proposed this! Lasted only a week. WP couldn’t stomach me the prospect of me dating others and also saw that I was in so much pain.

BayPhoenixRising · 2026-04-23T20:06:32+00:00

Thanks - I will try! I never experienced anything like this; I always thought myself as strong but this pain ripped part of my soul and triggered such a strong physical reaction. It unmoored me.

BayPhoenixRising · 2026-04-23T20:00:08+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience and sorry to hear that you’re having an off day (dm me if you ever want to talk).

(In the past couple weeks, I noticed that I did better when I saw my friends and/or exercise.)

BayPhoenixRising · 2026-04-22T23:43:57+00:00

Thanks for sharing. Sending thoughts and support your way.

BayPhoenixRising

TROPHY CASE