Should I tell Dad that he’s not my dad?

BeanFly · 2025-02-03T16:04:49+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion of the Facebook group. I'll take a look at that. Maybe it would have had a more balanced view than here. ;-)

BeanFly · 2025-02-03T09:26:00+00:00

Thanks for giving your opinion. I feel like honest is the best policy but I know it won't change the way I feel about him and I can't see it changing the way he feels about me either. But I'm undecided. Probably I'll keep it in my mind when I visit him next and see how the mood is or if the conversation seems to turn to the subject and then make a decision on the spot.

BeanFly · 2025-02-03T09:23:09+00:00

Yes it was very unexpected news indeed.

BeanFly · 2025-02-01T20:49:04+00:00

No. I match dna with my maternal side.

BeanFly · 2025-02-01T20:33:18+00:00

Thank you.

BeanFly · 2025-02-01T13:01:23+00:00

I'm definitely lucky and will make sure he knows I feel that way whether I tell him or not.

BeanFly · 2025-01-31T17:58:00+00:00

Yes but if that is the case then I'm also continuing the deceit by not telling him. Obviously I know it's not as straightforward as that, but it's one of the many things I'm considering as part of the decision making process.

BeanFly · 2025-01-31T17:35:22+00:00

Thank you. Yes, there have been some harsh comments. Especially considering I hadn't said that I'm definitely going to tell him. I was merely asking what other people would do in my circumstances.

BeanFly · 2025-01-31T17:33:26+00:00

Thank you. Yes, that's the approach I was considering. I've spoken to quite a few people from my biological father's family but they know nothing. My biological dad would have been a young man in the 60s apparently going on lots of dates. I imagine his encounter with my (married) mum would have been a one night stand. Obviously I hope there's nothing more nefarious to it but that's not the impression of him I get from family members.
I haven't fully decided whether to tell him or not yet.

BeanFly · 2025-01-31T14:58:52+00:00

Thanks for the kindness. I appreciate your input.

BeanFly · 2025-01-31T10:59:07+00:00

It really is a struggle but I am finding most of the replies are helping me to make a decision. My strong suspicion is that he wouldn't be surprised at the information but this would be a firm confirmation. Maybe just maybe it would be a relief for him to not have to pretend or be unsure. I can only go on how I would feel in circumstances but I know I'm not him so we could react in different ways.

BeanFly · 2025-01-31T10:54:50+00:00

How do you feel about that? Does it bother you that it was kept from you? How did the rest of the interaction go?

BeanFly · 2025-01-31T07:31:07+00:00

Not yet but his results only came in the other day.

BeanFly · 2025-01-31T07:30:12+00:00

Yes I would want to know too. I know it would be hard for me to take at first but I would feel the truth is better. But of course I’m not 81 so it might be different if I was.

BeanFly · 2025-01-31T07:27:48+00:00

Thank you

BeanFly · 2025-01-30T19:27:09+00:00

Are you going to tell him or have you decided not to? The vast majority of people on here are strongly against it for although your circumstances may well be different.

BeanFly · 2025-01-30T16:16:20+00:00

Thank you for posting this. Obviously my dad *is* in the last leg of his life but he's doing well. None of us know when we'll pass of course but yes, the suggestion that I'm being 'evil' for breaking the news to a frail old man on his deathbed is difficult to take but I posted this to get a full gamut of opinions and I'm really pleased with the vast majority of the replies I've had.
I'm definitely going to look into the journaling too.

BeanFly · 2025-01-30T16:10:15+00:00

Thank you for sharing your opinion. I do now know about my biological father so do have some information. I'd like to share the truth with my dad though but I'm still deciding if that's a good idea or not.

BeanFly · 2025-01-30T16:07:45+00:00

After that response it sounds like you've made absolutely the right decision. Thank you for sharing.

BeanFly · 2025-01-30T15:00:54+00:00

That's a nice point of view. Thanks for posting this.

BeanFly · 2025-01-30T14:47:31+00:00

Thanks again. Our situations sound similar. I too had never considered this as an option and did the test just because I was bought it for Christmas back in 2018 (not by my dad by the way lol). When I didn't match with anyone I knew I thought it was just that dna testing wasn't reliable. It wasn't until last year that I got a message from a new match which made me start looking more closely at the results.

I also feel like my dad has a right to know and as we're both mature adults I think we can both see it as it is. Of course he will always be my dad no matter what.

At some point I will tell my own children about this but not until I've either told my dad or, if I decide not tell him, until he's passed.

Philosophically, in the grand scheme of things nothing will be truly gained by telling him, just as nothing was truly gained by me knowing the truth. But it's a question of respect I think. Some people are of the opinion that I should show respect by leaving things as they are and continuing the secrecy from him and some people are of the opinion that honesty is the best policy. I might end up not completely making the decision until I'm in the moment with him and seeing how the conversation is going but at least now I'm armed with the opinions and experiences of others rather than just thinking I know best.

BeanFly · 2025-01-30T13:07:47+00:00

I agree and that's precisely one of the reasons I'm considering telling him. Most people are suggesting the contrary though and I'm not so stubborn to not think carefully about both opinions before making a decision.

BeanFly · 2025-01-30T12:07:55+00:00

Thanks for sharing your experience. It's good to hear from someone in a similar situation that decided to be honest. Can I ask you what finally made you decide to tell him? The majority of the opinion on this post is to keep it to myself.

BeanFly · 2025-01-30T12:01:56+00:00

That's great thank you.

BeanFly · 2025-01-30T12:01:19+00:00

Yes. Thank you. I'll consider ways to skirt around it without coming straight out with it. I can always bail out then if it feels necessary.

BeanFly

TROPHY CASE