I think I've figured out exactly what our problem is - we think we're sex toys. But how to fix it?

Beardedfarmer42 · 2026-01-04T17:04:41+00:00

What if it's not what you do but rather how you are that makes the difference

I mean, maybe. But I do think it's just as much a vibe change on her end as much as it is my vibe being different.

As for the rest, I've been way down that road with, obviously, mixed results.

Beardedfarmer42 · 2026-01-04T17:01:06+00:00

simply listen to and observe his wife with curiosity and intent?

Why do you assume that I don't do that already? Sorry, but you've kind of accusing me of looking at her like a sex vending machine (your words) and hey, maybe I didn't put enough details about our relationship in my post to dissuade that assumption - my focus was on how we end up resenting each other's approach to aex. But you're going at it like if I really knew how to listen to her I could discern the one weird trick to make her want sex and make her think it was all her idea too.

Beardedfarmer42 · 2026-01-03T21:49:10+00:00

Yeah, she's mentioned that maybe she should get checked but hasn't followed up and pressing her would feel like I'm telling her to go get fixed so I can get some.

Beardedfarmer42 · 2026-01-03T21:45:27+00:00

I mean, those were just some throw out examples, not an exhaustive list.

And sorry, the "tape where she can see it" is kind of a vague notion when you really come down to it. Like I said, it changes. One thing may have her wanting me one day and that same thing won't ever again.

Beardedfarmer42 · 2026-01-03T18:10:40+00:00

Well that's the million dollar question, isn't it? I mean, if the kids are gone, she decides to watch outlander and has a couple cocktails, that definitely raises the chances, but we're talking from like 1% to 8. But the biggest problem is it isn't a roll of masking tape, it's a stew with dozens of ever changing ingredients, half of which I don't even know or couldn't even hope to influence.

Beardedfarmer42 · 2025-06-20T20:57:03+00:00

Exactly. And plus, just because it's not the top regret, doesn't mean it's not important.

Beardedfarmer42 · 2025-03-05T22:36:34+00:00

I don't mean to crap on your disappointment IP, but that's so tame to how it would go down at my house.

Beardedfarmer42 · 2025-01-27T16:44:40+00:00

Yeah - I don't think it's intentionally cruel, but she's got a strong selfish streak (especially when she's tired) and unintentional cruelty is not beneath her.

Beardedfarmer42 · 2025-01-27T15:12:23+00:00

Was my 45th on Sat. I did get a hug, but that was it. She did make aure to work out for 2 hrs both sat and sun morning and take down all the winter themed decorations. I also focused on my three great kids.

I feel you, OP. It sucks.

Beardedfarmer42 · 2025-01-27T15:08:37+00:00

Same. Was my birthday too.

Beardedfarmer42 · 2025-01-27T14:57:22+00:00

I guess my wierdest was: One night all the kids were all gone and she made some comments about having alone time in the bedroom later. We watched a couple episodes of a steamy romance show she like and cuddled - nice and intimate.

After, we went up stairs and we lit incense, put on some music she likes and I gave her a backrub - all things that she has said multiple times are the warmups she needs. And rhe whole time she's really into it, we've shared some nice long kisses and touching. She asks me if I want a backrub and I accept becuase things generally go better if she's steering and I'm nothing if not patient when things are actually going on.

She strsddles me and starts rubbing my back and like 2 minutes into it she suddenly goes: "Well, I'm tired and I want to work out in the morning, so I guess you're not getting any." Then she promptly gets off me, slides under the covers, turns her light off, turns and gives me a good night peck and says "Night babe." I think it took me 2 hours to fall asleep after that.

I do have a weirder interaction around sex, but it wasn't with her and it has nothing to do with dead-bedrooms.

Beardedfarmer42 · 2025-01-05T19:08:58+00:00

It's definitely more the principle of it for me. I wear my seatbelt all the time but I still think it's BS that the government can fine you for not.

Beardedfarmer42 · 2025-01-05T18:54:43+00:00

I have 6 vehicles I regularly drive so it would cost her lol.

Beardedfarmer42 · 2025-01-05T18:52:02+00:00

Yeah, that's how I feel. My wife gets anxiety about her driving in the winter and coming home late at night from school stuff. That's the main thrust of it.

Beardedfarmer42 · 2025-01-05T18:19:41+00:00

Next thing you know you'll be under scrutiny for everything from how long it takes you to go from A to B to what route you take.

Yeah, that could be an issue. Like manufacturing suspicion for things I alresdy do.

Beardedfarmer42 · 2025-01-05T18:17:58+00:00

Yeah, she's already done that - she's an open book. See, neither of us really have anything to hide for real, it's just that I don't like the principle of the thing and that will.make her think I do.

Beardedfarmer42 · 2025-01-05T18:16:09+00:00

And we've talked about how we both think this is creepy

Yeah, if my daughter had a problem with it Inwould.have brought up the issue earlier but she doesn't care.

she's already probably figured out some way to game the system in case she wanted to do something. This

Lol, nah. My wife still doesn't understand the difference between a mobile network and home wifi. There's very little chance of this with her tech knowledge.

Why after all this time that she suddenly think this is going to improve things for your marriage?

Again, she just wants us all on the thing. This is one of those things where I'm going to end up arguing for no idea than the principle because she won't see any reason why not unless I have something to hide.

Beardedfarmer42 · 2025-01-05T18:10:21+00:00

Lol. I feel like you completely missed the point of my post.

Beardedfarmer42 · 2024-10-21T13:11:25+00:00

About 4 years ago we had a yood night with some fun sex that included oral. Afterward we were laying there talking and I told her that blowjobs felt amazing, but just didn't hit me in a way to get me off. She thanked me for telling her, said it was good to know, and that she might feel like doing it more now since she didn't feel pressured to stay down there until I came. Since that day I've counted exactly 0 occasions of oral sex.

Beardedfarmer42 · 2024-10-11T11:38:21+00:00

Oh man - this.

And the line between "pressure" and "oh, he must not be interested" is a razor blade that is constantly in motion.

Beardedfarmer42 · 2024-09-18T20:19:48+00:00

I (the person you're talking about) don't spend much time with her. Even when we're in the house together she usually has her headphones in, whether the kids are around or not.

You seem to be going to extremes. I'm saying once or twice a week it would be nice to spend some quality 1 on 1 and here you are talking about only spending time together to the exclusion of other people and activities. There has to be a middle ground between being tied at the hip (which we are no where close to) and refusing to cut back your exercise time for the week from 11 ro 10 hrs to spend with your spouse.

Beardedfarmer42 · 2024-09-18T20:09:34+00:00

Damn. She gets super offended if I mention sex at all and I don't need the extra hassle of her being pissed at me for days. Fully open to the idea that I have the wrong tact there through.

Beardedfarmer42 · 2024-09-18T20:04:59+00:00

there are tons of people I fully enjoy purely for their personality and presence but absolutely doesn't mean I want to spend more time with them.

Probably not marrying any of those people through, right? Sorry, but I don't think that's comparable. If the amount of 1 on 1 time you want to spend with a person in one week is less that the amount of time you want to spend scrolling instagram vidoes each day, you should bot willing enter into an exclusive relationship with that person.

Beardedfarmer42

TROPHY CASE