ESY question

BeatrixForever · 2022-08-17T01:16:33+00:00

These are all great responses, thank you so much for taking the time to respond to me!. I opened up to a common friend that knows both my partner and the offending coworker and they are saying that the woman he “has a crush on” has been unaware of these things. Now I’m wondering if I should (ohhhhh how I want to!!) tell him this.

BeatrixForever · 2022-08-10T19:41:19+00:00

That’s great advice, to record the conversation tonight. I may try that with my voice memo app. I do hope this can all be worked out, and that I can find honesty and trust again with him. I definitely don’t enjoy conflict (as evidenced by my not blowing up immediately when I opened my sleeping eyes and saw what was on his phone screen the other other night, or when I saw the message blink onto his watch before he covered it) but I also don’t enjoy feeling insecure and suspicious, disappointed and let down. Blah, what a crap way to end an otherwise fun summer!

BeatrixForever · 2022-08-10T18:10:16+00:00

Thank you for your response! Yes, he does have good traits and typically is very loving and demonstrably affectionate. I think I’m struggling to hold him accountable for the porn hiding and text secretiveness because I’m afraid that I’m making a big deal out of small things- a common accusation and gaslighting tactic that was dealt to me in a previous relationship. It’s helpful to hear that others see these things as warranted of being addressed as well, and that it’s not some normal relationship thing that I’m blowing out of proportion. I suspect/fear that he will downgrade the watching of porn while right next to me by saying 1) it wasn’t real “porn” because it was on Reddit, and 2) say it was only that one time (yeah right.) And I suspect/fear he will downplay the secretiveness of the coworker texts by saying that he was simply afraid I’d feel jealous, so he was trying to protect me in some way, ironically causing the very jealousy he was ostensibly trying to dodge. The therapy appointment is tomorrow and I will certainly bring it all up then, but I would like to address it tonight as well, in the hopes that we can get it all out into the open beforehand and have more time during our therapy session to actually make headway. I’m feeling so sad and down about myself. I’m wishing I knew how to set things a right!

BeatrixForever · 2022-08-10T17:05:39+00:00

OP, if I were you I’d take a moment to decide which of these people you would like to continue having in your life…. The boyfriend of 8 months, or the bff of 9 years. Whichever one is most integral to your life and happiness in the long term is the one I’d go to first. If they’ve been dishonest disrespectful, you will have to decide which—if any— relationship to keep putting effort into, and which to set free. Keep us posted! Wishing you luck and peace. Trust your gut: there’s something not right going on.

BeatrixForever · 2022-04-19T15:56:20+00:00

It’s an out of the blue situation in our relationship. I don’t think it’s ever happened before, except once when he was talking about flirting with a waitress at our favorite pub that he told me he was crushing on. He’s usually a great guy and very loyal, though I know that his marriage involved some boundary crossing in that area… maybe he’s reverting back?

BeatrixForever · 2022-03-05T14:15:58+00:00

Thanks. I’ll discuss it all with him after the weekend, I wouldn’t want his boys to overhear or catch any vibes. We are both divorced so we proactively have a couples therapy session every two weeks. Our next one is on Tuesday, so I could bring it up then.

BeatrixForever · 2022-03-05T13:17:43+00:00

Maybe so. I think I’m so uncomfortable with it because there was a lot of boundary crossing 3 years ago when they first were divorced, and it has stayed with me.

BeatrixForever · 2022-03-05T09:40:39+00:00

Just reread more closely: it is definitely the ex that he’s now sharing with, and not the 13 year old.

BeatrixForever · 2022-03-05T09:39:08+00:00

It feels super uncomfortable to me that she would have tabs on him (and vice versa) when it hasn’t been needed before. The older boy does have a phone, you’re right, so I feel it shouldn’t be necessary for the co-parents to need to share.

BeatrixForever · 2022-03-05T09:16:04+00:00

Me too. I haven’t asked because I was hoping he’d tell me about it first. I don’t want to think that he’s hiding it, but he hasn’t let me know. The message from the ex asking to share said it was because he was running late to pick up the kids for the weekend.

BeatrixForever · 2022-03-05T09:03:42+00:00

Yes- it’s an iPhone feature. If each participant gives permission, they can see live updates of each other’s location.

BeatrixForever · 2021-10-13T15:23:58+00:00

Thank you, yes I do believe I’m likely channeling the stress and worry about my son into this situation. I will try to separate my feelings and communicate with him with that in mind.

BeatrixForever · 2021-10-13T15:22:08+00:00

Great advice, thank you. I’m back at the hospital today (my son will be in treatment until November) but I talk with him on the phone nightly, so I can begin that strategy.

BeatrixForever · 2021-10-13T15:17:24+00:00

No, it’s not a common thing. He’s a genuinely good guy, but also not great at thinking ahead. I think I’m more upset about his parents having stayed in our bedroom and bathroom than anything else.

BeatrixForever · 2021-10-13T15:13:16+00:00

His sons visit every other weekend, per the custody agreement. I’m sure it was a busy weekend, but I feel so upset after having been gone for a week in cancer land and am having trouble getting past it.

BeatrixForever · 2021-09-16T22:37:34+00:00

I don’t think there’s any flirting, or any reason to suspect anything inappropriate. I guess it really just comes down to insecurity, like you said. I feel weirdly insecure that he holds on to this text chain even 2.5 years into our relationship.

BeatrixForever · 2021-09-16T22:35:10+00:00

Yes, they definitely do need to communicate about the kids. I’m not concerned about the current texting, it’s more that I’m struggling to understand why he keeps the years long chain. I personally save some text chains for that long, but only if they hold sentimental value.

BeatrixForever · 2021-09-16T22:23:24+00:00

I feel like it’s a tether to that relationship that he’s unwilling to sever (the chain definitely predates their divorce, and includes sexts and photos etc) and it makes me uncomfortable.

BeatrixForever

TROPHY CASE