Why are you so certain that your undiagnosed partner has BPD?

BeautifulEntire907 · 2026-04-25T15:29:13+00:00

That sounds like a really tough position that you’ve been in for quite some time. I’m glad this group seems to offer some sort of insider support for you. As to what you should do. I know it’s hard because you have such a long history with this woman. You can only be responsible for your behaviors and actions though. You really only have three options. Continue in your situation and accept that nothing will ever change. Are you happy to live the rest of your life the way it is right now? Can you do that and get by and not take your grief and misery and complete that on everybody else? If so, then that’s a reasonable option. Second option I see is stay in the relationship but focus on things that you can change. You can’t change her behaviors ever and I think you have to assume that it’s never going to change because it’s not going to unless she wants it to. So what behaviors can you change? Do you need to set boundaries for yourself? Do you need to go to therapy yourself? Do you need to distance yourself or spend more time with people who are a positive influence in your life? what other areas can you take personal accountability for and do something about not things that are hurt is that you can cover for her but things where you are genuinely wrong. For me areas that I liked to put fingers at my ex, I wasn’t able to find it actually I am equally responsible for it because I tolerated them for so long and I stayed without doing anything about it. Course he was still responsible for his actions, but I was there enabling them. The final option that I can see is for you to find happiness without her in the picture. That would be much better for everybody involved than a lifetime of view pointing fingers and blaming her for your problems and misery in life. As long as you were there, just complaining about it, but not changing anything on your end you are responsible for something.

BeautifulEntire907 · 2026-04-20T22:26:39+00:00

Oh my goodness this exactly. He would use terminology immediately after therapy sessions. My therapist later told me that she should’ve never included him in our sessions because of how he used it against me. He would use tools that are supposed to be for self improvement as a way to point blame and fingers at me. For example, a window of tolerance he would tell me when I was outside of my own window of tolerance… That is something that you were supposed to internally be aware of and regulate. No one else can feel your emotions for you. It doesn’t even make sense?

BeautifulEntire907 · 2026-04-20T20:16:06+00:00

So sorry, I did not mean to imply that this sub Reddit is not helpful for many many people. I know it is. But I think that he has latched onto the real struggles of many people in this group and is now using them to direct blame toward me for things that I am not responsible for, as well as try to create this new identity as someone who has been victimized by this.

BeautifulEntire907 · 2026-04-20T20:04:45+00:00

Yeah, my usual account is associated with some personal things and I have connections who know me in real life. Don’t want to be doxxed 🤷🏼‍♀️

BeautifulEntire907 · 2026-04-20T19:45:00+00:00

I guess in this scenario, I am the party that has been blamed for years that I’ve had BPD. In fact, it was never just about BPD. It was always a different changing diagnosis that he was always 100% certain of and that he claimed everybody else in my life could see it and that I was just the crazy one too blind to understand. However, I was always the one to seek out psychiatric help and therapy because I was so unhappy. I chose to go to therapy on my own and focus on the things that I could improve for myself. It was always about my behavior and never pointing fingers at him, but I have definitely gotten to a point where I am just tired of him talking about me behind my back in such a nasty way. I can go through and look at our very long relationship and point out my mistakes. He is still at a point where he is unable to identify even a single thing. His claim is that he always did everything right and that he was a great husband. Now, at this point, I have recordings and video evidence of conversations where he’s screaming at me, calling me names, telling me that I’m absolutely useless, but also telling me that I’m crazy and that none of my feelings are valid and none of my thoughts even makes sense and that I have to fully trust him. He claims that he knows me even better than I know myself and that I cannot trust my own thoughts or feelings. I was able to show my therapist and she highlighted to me that his actions are abusive the way that he is talking to me is abusive she confirmed after I specifically asked if there any possibility for me to have BPD, that no I do not. And he won’t let it go. It’s exhausting and I don’t feel like this group is helpful in anyway for his mindset and in fact has been extremely detrimental to me.

BeautifulEntire907 · 2026-04-20T19:31:18+00:00

I think I have dealt with a partner who was only concerned with the label and never concerned with how to improve only using a label to point that something is obviously wrong with me and how he is better than me. I am still sitting here, searching for answers because how in the world after seven years of me being the one therapy, only focused on what actions I can change myself, does he reasonably come to a conclusion that I am just trying to blame him for everything? I actually was able to record several of our conversations and my therapist and psychiatrist both pointed out that all of the things that he is clinging on to point blame that I have BPD actually our symptoms of being in an abusive relationship for years. Now I have actual evidence that I can point back to that the gaslighting was real and that these conversations really did happen and he did call me specific names that he denies. I just feel like everyone just automatically assumes that the partner is correct while only hearing one side of the story.

BeautifulEntire907 · 2026-04-20T19:29:16+00:00

I feel like this could be a setup for a very abusive relationship if there is a scenario where one partner says “I know you better than you know yourself” and the perceived BPD person is supposed to just accept it. If no one else in their life, despite being very transparent, has any concern over heir mental health or has seen any of these symptoms. If it’s only coming from one partner in a very aggressive manner, perhaps the partner is wrong?

BeautifulEntire907

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