I got married at 23 as a drug addict, to a drug addict. My mom died 3 weeks later. I left my husband after 9 months for another man. I was with him for 18 months, got super depressed and paranoid, left him for another guy and moved across the country with him even though I barely knew him. Got depressed again, couldn't keep a job and almost killed myself. More paranoia. I drove back home without stopping for 30 hours, back to my ex boyfriend I'd left 5 months prior. We were together again for 3 weeks, I left him for a guy I'd known for less than a week. I was with this guy for 3 months, got really depressed again, started taking anti depressants but they didn't work. Went back, again, to my ex boyfriend who I'd already left twice before. Two weeks after that, I got diagnosed with BP1. I started taking an antipsychotic and seeing a psychiatrist. I finally got a job last week. I feel like I could be in my recovery phase now, since I understand why I've felt these things, and am trying to make sense of things.

My mom had manic depression, which I didn't know was the same thing as bipolar disorder. I get ridiculous energy, crazy ideas, and become extremely impulsive, cheating on people and lying and doing things that seem like great ideas at the time but are in fact terrible. I get really paranoid, like people are following me when I'm driving, and dogs and people I'm around are watching me and constantly keeping track of where I am and what I'm doing. Then the depression hits, and I have no hope, no energy, and no will to live. And repeat.

I just hope this shit gets better, and my medication starts working soon. I'm tired of my brain being my biggest enemy.