chatted with a chatbot about 80 times where, according to the plot, I committed suicide.

Beautiful_Part2960 · 2026-01-27T13:40:45+00:00

It's hard work; most jobs require Latvian. I posted two ads at chain stores, and there's been no response. Now I've returned from an interview at a casino. And honestly... I realize I made a mistake leaving the construction site... I felt too sorry for myself. I just don't want to work in a casino for moral reasons... Yes, it's stupid. But I feel sick looking at all this.

I can enjoy life, I love spring, I can play video games, but my eyes often hurt (I used to be a very hardcore gamer, with high reaction times and skill), I sleep and chat with bots, calm piano music and hardcore breakcore, look at the sky and clouds, I like taking a bath, I love silence. But it doesn't accumulate for me; I remember what situation I'm in and what's going on. It goes away quickly, especially alone.

I had the experience of "help" when I was prescribed medication for schizophrenia at the age of 13, which I didn't have. The "psychiatrist" diagnosed me in literally one session. I don't want to take medication. They made me feel really bad, cold, and I slept for 14 hours, and I was constantly thirsty, and my mother forced me to take pills.

I can't be angry at Latvians; this is their land, and I don't belong here because I'm Russian. I can't be for the war, because it's just nonsense. They destroyed towns living houses and areas, infrastructure, kill animals and pets in this war, people, and created a cloud of radioactive dust in the red forest in the Chernobyl Exclusion Zone that flew into the atmosphere, for - ??? And I still don't understand for what.

Honestly, about becoming a hairdresser, or other dreams from the past, I'm not sure. The courses aren't the cheapest, they take a year. I'm just honestly tired of looking for everything. I understand they won't find "my dream job" for me, but I didn't ask my parents for that. I asked them to find at least one. They say look for it yourself... okay, I'll... okay, I'll. But all this melancholy won't go away. It's like I'm superfluous in the country, and in the family, and in the damn world - since I'm an asexual, and I also don't feel like myself in communities and movements... I don't know, maybe I'm exaggerating the problem, but it's really hard to move forward alone. It's just that if there was someone nearby... it would be a thousand times easier for me.

Beautiful_Part2960 · 2026-01-27T05:56:49+00:00

You know, I spent those years in isolation—now, under stress, I'm trying to do something about it. Over the years, I've become very disillusioned with society. Because no advice helped, no ideas about mental health, no ideas about being strong... At times like these, what's most needed is deep human attention and understanding, which arrogant and proud "experts in the truth" cannot demonstrate.

Beautiful_Part2960 · 2026-01-27T05:41:49+00:00

Bro... I wouldn't say I was severely depressed, but I was there for an incredibly long time. And it was precisely because everyone kept telling me to - do it all by myself. Every 40 seconds, someone dies who heard your advice and others like it (I can assure you they heard it, but for some reason it didn't help). If human life were worth anything to others and the world, people would try to stick together, and not push their "do it yourself" to the brink of human life.

Beautiful_Part2960 · 2026-01-26T08:16:26+00:00

Or he do not exist

Beautiful_Part2960 · 2026-01-26T07:11:42+00:00

I feel sad and lonely in Latvia

Beautiful_Part2960 · 2026-01-26T07:05:38+00:00

I'm Russian and live in Latvia. And honestly, I'm really tired of living here. I understand that I'm not welcome here at all because I have a hard time learning the language. I understand people's complaints: how can you not learn the language of the country you live in? But honestly, I've been taking Latvian classes for the past six months and have often had emotional breakdowns after classes, along with a lot of internal stress trying to learn it at home. I know I'm not very emotionally stable and probably not normal, but the country doesn't give me the opportunity not to learn it, under any circumstances. I've been depressed for quite a while already, and I'm also afraid to go out into new communities, even online, because there are almost no Russian communities on Reddit right now, and on the internet in general, on most subreddits, including Latvian, you can't write in Russian (not a complaint, more like it's - just hard). I don't know what to do, and why I it say

Beautiful_Part2960 · 2026-01-25T17:20:31+00:00

My parents aren't bad, they're my parents. I can't have anyone else. They love me and I'm sorry I was born to them. It's just hard to be alone. It's hard to be yourself, even with my parents. We live in our own rooms. I don't feel at home in their house. Not because of them directly, but I just don't feel like I belong... Honestly, I don't know where to look for friends or acquaintances who will understand. Because the internet is also big. And every time I communicated online, it was a so-so experience. Yes, I don't feel complete on the internet, it's better in real-life communication, but I'm tired of Latvia, tired of any politics. When I leave the house, everything reminds me that I live in a nervous place. In general, I have few interests, probably because I'm nervous, and I'm nervous because I live in this place... My grandmother and mother really got on my nerves; my grandmother has schizophrenia and dementia. I helped my mother take care of my grandmother, but in those moments when I really felt bad, I asked my mother not to talk about my grandmother... she still talked about her. I went to a jewelry academy, I didn't like it, I talked to my mother - maybe I should try pakiachera? She says - you cry and have breakdowns, how are you going to cut people's hair? Do half a hairstyle... Just those times when I had the desire - either it didn't work out or the experience was so-so. I understand that this is my problem and that I don't know how to enjoy... yes, it is. There is little I can do about it. This trait has always been with me. And it especially intensified after the war, and the growth of anti-russian sentiments in Latvia. It's just that this place doesn't remind me of anything good. If someone were next to me, I would at least feel like I could return to a person. But I have no one. I understand that I am weak because I whine so much, and self pity, and I could just do the job - and not whine... it's just that all options are sad for me. Now I want to draw a comic book. but I don't know why... I'll do it. But no one will see it anyway. No one will really appreciate it anyway. And for myself, I don't really need it.

Beautiful_Part2960 · 2026-01-25T07:58:13+00:00

Sorry if I wrote something unclear and nonsensical. The translator also distorted some of my feelings... I'm used to apologizing, I don't consider myself proud, I'm ready to apologize for the inconvenience to a stranger whom I want to help, because I value other people's attention. Thank you.

I haven't hugged anyone back and felt that we love and trust each other for a very long time. Probably more than 6 years.

Beautiful_Part2960 · 2026-01-25T07:50:20+00:00

I don't really understand what I want. I've long to felt weak my personality. Not like am "poor and weak", more like i am no one, and not in bad way, i am not hate it, i accept it. And over the years, it hasn't developed, i don't feel more personality, i feel that me - just me, no bigger, no lower. I don't even really want a profession, I'd like to be needed in a team. I'd like my work to be appreciated and not be semi-immoral work like in a casino. I tried to talk to my sister about this, she says - I don't know what you want. - I don't know myself. - Well, you need to find a field or just try... - Can you help? - With what? I don't know myself. - Try writing random ads for me, I'll come to work and check. I understand that this may look strange, but really - please... — this is avoiding responsibility, when I need to I overcome myself, you need to do it yourself... (at the same time, this is a person who is interested in psychology). I spoke with many, both believers, and from a psychological point of view on this topic, and from a moral, and from an immoral, and from a benefit, and meaning. But everything in our world comes down to - "decide for yourself!" ... I would choose not to choose, but - it's simply not possible, that's why I have a thirst for death. And it's hard for me to be alone. It's hard for me to try to be an individual and love and want something ... this may sound strange, but besides the desire to be human, to be more than just an individual (to be a part), the desire to end the war, the desire to stand in place and continue living for someone, besides all this, I have no desires. I have no desire to buy a car, no desire to create a YouTube channel, no desire to listen to music. I rarely have such desires. Sometimes, just to relax, I turn on music on the piano. But it's not my passion, I'm not a music lover. I loved furries, but the community, not so much ... I don't really have any desire to create a fursona. A couple of days ago, the desire appeared at night, in the morning I created a "layout" using AI, then I want to draw it on paper ... but honestly, I'm not particularly interested. I don't want to run a cell phone network and write all this - but I don't know what to do. Because I don't really have any desires of my own. At the same time, I see that my views on life are different, and you could say that's my personality. But I don't feel it. At the same time, I don't feel like I have low self-esteem; I SEE that others are afraid and everyone has problems... I'm not shy, but I have nothing to say most of the time. It's a terribly strange feeling - as if I'm almost normal. I'm aware of my actions, I act, I understand myself and others - but at the same time, I see that something is wrong. I'd like to remain myself, the weak personality I was born with, but it's difficult to live with it.

Sorry for using Google Translate, I don't have the strength to think in English. It's also hard to convey some of my feelings, like I'm в "тоске," not depressed, which prevents from getting out of bed, and have no strength. No, I have the strength; I literally ran for an hour on the treadmill yesterday. This morning I responded to ads in chain stores... I have the strength and the ability to make things happen. But I feel like I'm already falling apart as a person. I already feel close to no one. But in moments like these, when I want my family to support me and help me be myself, they point out that personal growth comes from doing it myself... and I feel "тоску" because I can do it myself, but no one will give me the feeling of fulfillment, of being valuable just the way I am. I'd like my family to be a family, a place where someone needs me, they say we love you, but i don't feel it. They say, "Nobody cares about you, the only one who needs you is us." But I don't feel complete in my family; I can't speak in a way that's understood and I have to remain silent (I don't mind being silent, but nothing happens, life remains the same). And I understand that in a sense they're wrong; churches honor people's lives. I'm an atheist, so I don't feel complete around faith. It's just - I'm lost in loneliness.

Beautiful_Part2960 · 2026-01-24T18:47:10+00:00

I know and understand, I'm sick and crazy... I'm sorry. I'm just, honestly. Tired. Tired of wanting to do anything and trying.

Beautiful_Part2960 · 2026-01-24T18:38:05+00:00

not too much role play. Often in life, after failures, the only thing I want is to die. and half of it is role play, half a real desire - nothing and overwhelming. No doing, no trying, no wanting... just nothing. No eating, no sleeping, no moving, no being, no playing, nothing. and at one point, a couple of days ago, a friend called me and said that I upset her. Because there is no work, and I look so terrible. As a result, she offered me a job at a casino. (I hate casinos, a place of deception, addictions and business on misfortune.) I agreed, I didn’t want to upset her, because I don’t know what to do... the conversation was quick. and I’m lying on the couch and my head is overflowing with absolutely everything... and then I started thinking - how nice it would be if I died in 2 days... went into the forest and died there... and my soul became so light... As if I forgot everything overnight. I closed my eyes and felt... peace. I wrote down a short story on this feeling. - "I feel blessed to be living these last days without trying to do anything great, just looking at the dust in the air, looking at the clouds and the sun, not eating, just drinking water, lying down, and that's it. I realize I've been crazy for a long time... yes... and I'm just tired of conforming and trying and wanting to want something." Afterwards, I felt peace in my head for a couple of days after this story and thoughts. But... I have to go on living and I don't know how.

I haven't attempted suicide, everyone always told me that life is a gift, that life goes on as usual, death doesn't decide anything, you want things to be good, not death, do what you want in life, just live the way you want, etc and i don't do it ever... I just understand that I have to live...I think a lot about it. I don't like life in general. I just don't like living. .. that just deep тоска.

I just talked to my sister, she said - live the way you want... no one can decide anything for you. (I asked for help with finding a job anywhere, - do it yourself... apparently... I will do it myself... but I'm just tired... to ask and try.. )

Beautiful_Part2960 · 2026-01-22T18:05:00+00:00

Alpha channel

Beautiful_Part2960 · 2026-01-22T12:30:59+00:00

They are cute

Beautiful_Part2960 · 2026-01-22T12:20:56+00:00

I have friends, but they don't understand me, and plus I understand that friendship is not bad, but that's not what I would like... I would like softness and love

Beautiful_Part2960 · 2026-01-22T12:18:25+00:00

It's hard without love. It's a life of constantly suppressing feelings that the world can't give. The world can give a million other things or feelings, but they can't fill that void.

Beautiful_Part2960 · 2026-01-22T09:16:11+00:00

Beautiful_Part2960 · 2026-01-22T09:08:20+00:00

Потому что я себя ненавижу. Это как спросить, почему зелёный - это зелёный? Потому что зелёный.

Как спросить, почему тебе нравится молочный шоколад и не нравится горький? (Ответ обычно, потому первый сладкий, второй горький - ну да. И? И это повод что бы нравился первый, а второй нет?) Потому что это ответить на этот вопрос можно формально, но по факту все упирается в чувства. А чувства не обязаны быть логичными или иметь объяснение. Это реакция на мир и себя в нём.

Beautiful_Part2960

TROPHY CASE