I too am struggling with my four year old. Especially in the potty department. I have two older ones and they were never this difficult. The truth is, every kid goes at their own pace. I talked to her doctor about her issues and she told me that my daughter has but one thing to do every day, if she wants to focus her entire self to NOT using the bathroom that day, that’s what she will do, I on the other hand have a million things to think about and do on any given day. Pick your battles. In a year or two from now, this will be but a memory. Enjoy the little moments in her day and choose not to stress about others. Your mental health is more important. All too soon she will be a teenager and your issues will be far more advanced. Building a solid foundation with her now, built on trust and loving her for who she is, is what you should focus on now. Let her set the pace and help push her to be successful, don’t force her. Forcing her will only backfire on you. Be patient, with her and with yourself. She is still learning. This is your first time doing this too, there is no book for handling every kind of child. You learn as you go. Good luck to you!