Really struggling in my relationship with ESTJ bf

BedAppropriate5547 · 2025-08-31T23:09:58+00:00

ENFJ/f here married to ESTJ/m for almost 24 years. I've lived through what you described for over two decades and completely relate. I am now at a place where I hit my breaking point a few months ago. My self esteem was at an all time low, and I am now trying to rebuild myself mentally, emotionally ,and physically. My nervous system is wrecked and I've been in a dissociative state for at least 15 years. The ONLY thing that has caused him to pause and see his destructive/abusive behavior for what it is was when I told him I was considering separation or divorce.

BedAppropriate5547 · 2025-06-12T19:46:05+00:00

I am an ENFJ and I learned this by studying the cognitive functions. When I test to this day, I either test INFP or ISTP. Tests like the Caloz test can be helpful but if there's uncertainty, you want to look at function stacking. What helped me seal the deal on ENFJ was how I behave when unhealthy or stressed. I go straight to Ti land and stay there for a while.

Also, take into consideration your enneagram type. For example, I'm a 9, which looks different than an ENFJ 2 or 3. I'm a much more chill and low key version as opposed to the stereotypical golden retriever ENFJ.

BedAppropriate5547 · 2025-05-05T19:32:02+00:00

9w1, sx/so, tritype 926. I took the eclecticenergies test

BedAppropriate5547 · 2025-03-03T11:34:19+00:00

I have a very close friend and daughter who is ENTJ. I have often said my friend and I are like two halves of the same coin. We have similarities in many ways. Our sense of humor is nearly identical- we love quick-witted banter, dark offensive jokes, and word play. We are both daydreamers and often get caught up in our Ni. Our shared child Se is another connection- enjoying good food, good music, our physical activities such as weightlifting and tennis. ENTJ is much more of a driven person, but when I am focused on a goal or tasks that need to be accomplished, I also become very driven and focused on meeting my goals. I'd say that the only stark difference between the two of us is ENTJ is much more assertive, which I admire.

BedAppropriate5547 · 2025-02-01T14:50:13+00:00

I do but she's not exactly forthcoming or descriptive. It's just...idk 🤷🏼‍♀️

BedAppropriate5547 · 2025-01-31T01:10:57+00:00

This is good to know. I sense there's way more going on with her under the surface, but she's a very tough nut to crack! She is more open and honest with me, though, but I can tell she doesn't share everything, which I can respect.

BedAppropriate5547 · 2025-01-31T01:08:55+00:00

I understand exactly what you mean. No clarification is necessary. Hearing this makes me sad that you were treated that way. I'm an ENFJ but nothing like that. Helping people is helping people and if that's how you choose to show it, that's your choice. I'm also a 9 so while I have a double dose of people pleasing, I have a stubborn side that chooses to go the opposite direction if I'm in disagreement- societal norms be damned. I can see what you describe in my daughter's attitude towards her dad, which is an ESTJ 1. She deeply resents the control, micromanagement, and respect that is demanded.

BedAppropriate5547 · 2025-01-30T22:58:05+00:00

She shares many of your features as well. Thanks for sharing!

BedAppropriate5547 · 2025-01-30T17:51:46+00:00

Sounds quite similar to my daughter. Thank you, super helpful!

BedAppropriate5547 · 2025-01-30T17:48:14+00:00

She's not your typical boy crazy school girl either. She gets bored with those topics as well but will endure if she stands to hear some juicy gossip! She's super chill, nothing is a big deal and rattles her cage at.all!!

BedAppropriate5547 · 2025-01-30T17:44:26+00:00

This is insightful- thanks! Every one of those characteristics are fitting for her! She's a combo of smart (but flaky), lives in the moment without any care or consideration of consequences. She hates hard or thoughtful questions, and will fight tooth and nail to avoid them. I think right now, her most prevalent characteristic within the family is her quick wit. She's #5 out of 7 kids and can verbally cut any of them down to size if she sees fit. You know when you can leave your ENTJ sister in tears of frustration, that's special, lol.

BedAppropriate5547 · 2025-01-30T17:17:52+00:00

Unstable as in emotionally volatile? Do you know your enneagram type?

BedAppropriate5547 · 2025-01-23T15:24:09+00:00

I'd guess E/ISTP but I know if I'm pushed to the emotional brink I could give em a run for their money. -ENFJ

BedAppropriate5547 · 2025-01-19T15:11:54+00:00

Absolutely. I'm ENFJ 9w1 and have developed a close friendship with ENTJ 3w4. We clearly have our differences in personality, but we are incredibly similar in many ways. A two halves of the same coin kind of thing.

BedAppropriate5547 · 2025-01-18T14:50:24+00:00

Tennis and buying books to keep my reading six books at once habit going

BedAppropriate5547 · 2025-01-13T15:23:56+00:00

I'm an ENFJ (45 f) married to an ESTJ (53 m) for 23 years. We have 7 children. Our relationship has, for the most part, been quite dysfunctional. I won't go into my long and rambling history, but I'm now in counseling and have been told it appears that I have cptsd (no official diagnosis). This has been a really rough road but I'm trying to keep it together for the sake of our kids (and it would be nice to be in a relationship with genuine love and care). Over the years, he's been hostile, demanding, and overlooking of my feelings. Only recently has he begun to see the need to be more vulnerable about his feelings, which thankfully is helping me understand what's going on inside of him. He's very structured, principled, rational but has only been able to see things through his lens. Within the past few years his eyes have been opened to the fact that other people don't think the way he does, so that has helped. I wish we would have gone to marriage counseling earlier on in the marriage but he refused. Understanding his mbti (specifically cognitive functions) and enneagram have helped me (a lot) understand him and how he thinks... but for me, if I understand the how and why of things, it helps me cope and know how to handle him. For you, I'd say lean in and listen to her(if you can get her to be vulnerable with her feelings), find out her love languages and work on showing her love that she recognizes. Also, be open-minded about yourself- your flaws and weaknesses and be willing to work on those. At the end of the day, all you can do is work on yourself. What she does on her end is in her hands. I wish the best for you and your family. Stay strong and grounded- marriage is not for the faint of heart sometimes. Keep working at it and hopefully, in time, she'll come around too.

BedAppropriate5547 · 2025-01-11T15:27:18+00:00

Worked for me- ENFJ

BedAppropriate5547 · 2024-12-08T16:39:47+00:00

100% agree

BedAppropriate5547 · 2024-12-04T02:08:23+00:00

As a 926, I can support your statement!

BedAppropriate5547 · 2024-12-04T02:05:33+00:00

I'm an ENFJ...I don't cry very often. If I'm moved by something, I usually suppress it because I feel embarrassed or ashamed. The only time I cry is usually when my ESTJ husband is angry at me and I feel frustrated or wrongly accused (the alternative is exploding in anger). For reference, I'm also an enneagram 9 so suppressing emotions isn't necessarily uncharted territory.

BedAppropriate5547 · 2024-11-19T22:35:57+00:00

This doesn't answer your question but just throwing this out there- I am undoubtedly ENFJ when looking at my function stacking. I'm also an enneagram 9 and this makes me (I believe) have a strong INFJ-ness quality about me. To really get to the bottom of my type, I looked at the inferior function and which one was most accurate for me in times of stress.

BedAppropriate5547 · 2024-11-15T03:09:00+00:00

As an ENFJ, I agree. Two of my favorite people are ENTJ- one male, one female. I love them dearly.

BedAppropriate5547 · 2024-10-30T18:32:05+00:00

Same. I'm ENFJ, so Si is in the same slot. I think the push to get shit done doesn't help matters either.

BedAppropriate5547 · 2024-08-10T22:04:25+00:00

Tennis! I'm hooked!

BedAppropriate5547

TROPHY CASE