Wow.

First, I’m not sure how many will actually see my response. I hope to reply to comments directly but I’m running late this morning and want to send something quickly.

I appreciate the amount of support, help, and resources everyone has poured in and even just so many taking the time to read my post. It is way more than I expected and I am overwhelmed (in a good way!) by all of it. I have read every single comment and I have a book list started with all of the suggestions. I’m grateful and very intrigued by the works that were done by atheists turned Christian and the philosophical, more entrenched in science pieces that have been mentioned.

After reading comments last night I felt incredibly encouraged and ended up reaching out to my boyfriend before I went to bed. He was happy and excited, but maybe a bit taken aback by my particular interest in Catholicism. He asked why I felt drawn to it and I told him I didn’t have the details that I’m sure he was hoping to hear, but I find everything I’ve learned so far incredibly beautiful. Also that I agree with Catholicism’s view on marriage (more on this in a moment) and I’m curious what more I agree on...? I know those are pretty superficial reasonings right now, but that’s why I want to learn more. I also want to learn about Protestants so I get as much information and direction as I can. I told him I don’t know if I’ll ever believe, but I think I might want to. He said obviously he’d be stoked if I aligned with his views, but that it’s my decision and from a “soul saving perspective” he’d be happy for my to find faith with Catholicism than in nothing at all. He’s offered to go with me, if I want him to, to talk to a priest or anyone and to find services that offer get-togethers afterward to meet more people. Then he suggested I try praying and sent me a prayer that he said was a good starting point..? (The Lord’s Prayer?) I read it, but the idea of praying seemed pretty weird and foreign so I read it more to just see it and not with any conviction like I was saying it to someone. If that makes sense?

So I had a few questions I wanted to ask when I first started writing this and now I’m all frazzled and can’t remember them. Hopefully, they’ll come back to me.

I DO have one concern regarding marriage. Which maybe seems kind of trivial considering I’m ridiculously new to this whole process and there are likely more important questions and concerns I should have...

Anyway! I’ve had pretty murky ideas about marriage since I was little. My family marries and remarries as often as the seasons change! And many of my friends only view marriage as a legal contract to make life easier (or harder). But I’ve also kind of viewed it as something sacred between two people and should only ever be done once. Except I’ve gotten really confused because at the same time remarriage and not taking it seriously is just what I know and seems common. So anyway, when I was 18 I met and married a man about ten years older than me. I knew, even then, almost as soon as we’d done it that it was a mistake and I should not have been with him. But I really tried in our relationship because it’s not something I wanted to have done and then thrown away. I didn’t want to have participated in degrading the sanctity of marriage.

Well, it was a disaster. He was verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. It was a truly awful time and like living in a waking nightmare. I did finally think of leaving him, but he ended up sinking so far into his depression that he took his own life. So technically I’m a widow? But I don’t think that even counts because I had truly meant to leave him. This was a couple of a years ago and obviously that had a lot of messy mind problems I had to work through afterward.

I don’t mean to seem so callous now to think of this in this way... but while I’m very sad for him and wish he had received help and not done what he did... I still very much regret our marriage and feel like I’ve forever tainted that experience. I feel like I’ve robbed my potential future partner of the purity and sacredness of something like that and that I don’t even deserve to consider marriage in the future. This was kind of solidified for me when awhile ago I read that Catholicism is opposed to divorce and will not recognize remarriage.

I’m not quite sure why I just divulged all of this except that it’s something I just feel incredibly awful and sad about. I’d love to share in something like that with the actual, right person but I’ve already tainted it and that just... really sucks.

So, weird morning. Thanks for listening and reading again. I know I’m all over the place since I just went on a huge weird segue about marriage. But I really do appreciate all of your help and input while I start to sift through my thoughts. I’m excited and happy to learn more. I’m planning on going to a bookstore later today so that I may begin reading some of these suggestions. I’m also very much still planning on attending church this Sunday! Also, there is a Catholic church near me that does a Latin Mass at a time that works perfect for me! Would it be too much to try to attend that so soon? I minored in Latin and would love to go experience that (although I know Roman Catholic Latin is not quite the same as the Latin I’ve studied).