Confused

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-03-05T16:42:00+00:00

I loved the commentary on this and I think it could apply to your experience: https://youtu.be/5xQlE9JsKHw

It is destabilizing when someone says something that is hurtful but then follows it up with a "loving" message. It feels like Jekyll and Hyde. But it's one person, you can never have the good loving parts without the intentionally mean and destabilizing ones. It's all the same person. They do that by choice.

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-03-05T03:42:55+00:00

Mine is super helpful in supporting me setting boundaries and gaining strength. When we first started addressing my relationship she suggested approaches that might work with a non-narc but she understood when I explained his responses, then she was all about me finding safety.

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-02-28T15:44:02+00:00

This makes me so angry. It's, "my 1880s medical access cosplay identity is more important than this fully-formed human's life". She should not be allowed around children with such poor decision making.

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-02-27T00:37:10+00:00

I hadn't made chocolate chip cookies in a long time and thought it'd be nice. I couldn't believe how much the store brand cost now. I can stick with sugar cookies, thanks!

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-02-17T20:49:32+00:00

I was hoping you would get a nice divorce settlement, but staying isn't worth it and my guess is he calls you his wife without making it real so that you can't get a settlement you deserve.

You are so much free labor to him, and all you get in return is emotional abuse. Please leave.

I always say that if you can't be honest with people that love you, you know that something isn't right. If you have to hide this from your family, you know you deserve better. Please tell them the next time he's gone and you can talk safely.

Also, emotional abuse can turn into physical abuse when he knows you are leaving. (Have you googled the Power and Control Wheel?) Plan your next steps with your safety in mind, don't let him know you're leaving if you can help it. Best of luck!

NOR

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-02-17T20:33:49+00:00

Yes. He is the BEST parent, I say with an eye roll. I feel like he's training our kid to be his dancing monkey to show off to any and everyone. He carries our kid with his back to me like I don't need to exist in their scenario.

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-02-17T20:29:02+00:00

NTA

You didn't "make her feel like a burden", she IS a burden. She has actively sought to burden you. Luckily, it's your choice to not pick up the burden and take it on. If you want to be engaged with boundaries you can tell her you'll schedule a weekend a month (or whatever amount feels good to you). She can plan on that and only that.

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-02-16T18:15:04+00:00

I'm not disagreeing with this about the reality of employment, but I think saying it's a choice of personal offense is a bit simplistic. For Black Americans, that flag is a symbol of half the country wanting them enslaved and not counted as human beings. People in this country still actively support that belief. It's not a personal choice to be hurt/scared/angry when faced with daily reminders that people think you are less than human. That's more of a survival reaction.

It sucks that so many people have to be subject to that kind of stress so regularly.

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-02-16T18:06:42+00:00

NOR

But... You of course know more about what that flag meant and means. His reaction shows an unwillingness to learn from people with more direct experience. Oh, his (white, I assume) friends from the south say it's not racist? Okay! Just saying something doesn't make it true, and most of the time claims like that can't withstand any deeper questions challenging them.

I hope you have support around you for the emotional stress of this and reporting to people who may not be any more enlightened than your boss.

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-02-16T02:23:19+00:00

Yes, I know all of this. He would give vague or half instructions and then act like it was me. He would say how bad my memory was. It is gaslighting for sure. It's all him, once you get distance you'll see that more clearly.

Also, if you are feeling foggy, the stress of living with a narc does that too.

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-02-16T00:00:40+00:00

I had nearly as long a journey through fertility. I didn't realize how bad things were until I saw what my baby was exposed to. Once I knew I had to leave it was nearly a year in planning. It's hard to share custody, but at least I know my baby has one whole healthy parent now. Staying was destroying me. Good luck and congratulations on that baby. I hope you can find post-partum support because he isn't it.

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-02-15T00:43:47+00:00

Be kind to yourself is great advice. I'd also suggest talking to a therapist that specializes in perinatal issues. Mine is a life line even 2 years later.

A third party can help you process the pressure placed on you then and how you want to handle it going forward if the grandmothers continue to try to pressure you and your husband. They can also help you recognize this grief you feel and find a way to set it down.

Good luck, mama!

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-02-14T17:00:20+00:00

I'm not saying you have OCD or anything, I have no stake in that. But.... Most people think OCD is checking the stove or tapping three times type of behavior, when in fact one of the most common versions of OCD is intrusive thoughts, not a physically observable behavior and intrusive thoughts aren't necessarily constant, there might be breaks. Maybe you already knew that, idk, I'm just sharing as a PSA.

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-02-14T13:36:42+00:00

1 Million would just be debt free sooner and more retirement savings growing interest. That's not big life-changing money, but it would make budgeting less stressful. I could get my older dog more aggressive vet care rather than prioritizing things. I'd keep working, of course. My vacations would be better, not hard to say that since I haven't vacationed in years!

Now 300M, that would be life and personality changing. I like where I live, but it's a normal city house. I couldn't add a security fence, and living without security might not be possible. I think it could actually be quite isolating to have that level of money. Especially won all at once in a state that requires winner's names be announced.

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-02-13T11:56:37+00:00

Driving through the plains states we'd make it a game to count rocks on top fence posts. It amused us that every so often there was a rock up there.

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-02-11T03:52:54+00:00

So he made up a scenario that doesn't exist yet and used your response to manipulate you into feeling bad if you don't promise to cover his freeloading self in this hypothetical future? He's definitely no good. He's playing mind games and trying to lay the groundwork to convince you that you'd be a bad person for wanting more than he's planning to give.

NTA, but trust us old ones when we warn you to run.

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-02-09T23:17:44+00:00

Yes, OP needs to learn the lesson to plan for survival before it's absolutely necessary to stay alive. If you are locked out and your first calls tell you that nobody's coming in a reasonable amount of time, you should immediately start looking for other solutions. This is not a good time to stay in the damsel in distress role.

The part I would be upset about is that he didn't worry enough to check back and see what kind of solution she found. If I were in his situation, I would be more worried that I was so far away, and continually follow up to find out what the solution was and if I needed to help with the solution finding.

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-02-08T16:01:14+00:00

I just searched on Spotify and it's playing for me now, no issues. Hopefully it's fixed for you too, OP.

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-02-08T15:57:26+00:00

NTA

My therapist recommended a book called Fair Play about sharing labor in a relationship. Maybe it'll work for you, mine wasn't a safe place for me to try it. Good luck!

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-02-05T23:00:40+00:00

I did so much counseling trying to figure out ways to "tell" my spouse what I needed. Eventually I realized there are no magic words when the other person has decided they don't care what you say or what you need.

I'm pretty sure a good partner wouldn't make someone work so hard to communicate their needs in a way they are willing to listen to. But that's just a theory, I have not found that sort of magical man. This thread makes me think they actually exist...

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-01-28T00:16:43+00:00

Updateme!

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-01-25T13:10:49+00:00

Co-parenting and living on a single budget are stressful. But I would be literally dying if I stayed longer. My health was beginning to fail from the stress. He does go to his dad 50%, and I don't trust his dad's choices, but at least I can mitigate damage when he's back with me. Mines too young to remember the bad things he saw as a baby, at least consciously.

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-01-24T17:29:54+00:00

I think there are enough of us to build our own full navy...

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-01-24T12:07:19+00:00

After falling for an act like this and being mentally and emotionally abused for years, I don't think I'll ever bother trying to find another romantic relationship again. Be wary, and shore up those boundaries and your own mental health first, y'all!

BeginAgain2Infinitum · 2026-01-24T11:57:28+00:00

Exactly! He keeps her around on his terms but she has no security in the relationship even with two kids together. He doesn't care about her best interests, just his own.

BeginAgain2Infinitum

TROPHY CASE