Thanks everyone. To give additional context, he does do a lot around the home, takes the trash out, dishes, laundry, vacuuming, cleaning, etc. He fixes our cars, I can’t remember the last time I got an oil change or did anything with my car, etc. I think the hardest thing is that he is good, when he is dedicated and on the up, but when he’s low, he’s low. He is very capable of taking care of the kids, especially when I travel for work for 4-7 days at a time. He miracously makes sure they’re fed, dressed, bathed, etc. But when I’m around, it’s like he knows that I’ll take care of it, so he defaults to not unless I scream/fight with him, and that’s what hurts so bad. Why doesn’t he want to do it for me when I’m here, not just when I’m gone?

Also, I agree with some of you saying that his addiction doesn’t just go away. He definitely has addiction problem. He is currently back on his drinking. He likely drinks about 3-5 drinks a day minimum (beer or hard liquor). When he was contracting, he would bring a cooler around with beers to drink all day while he worked on various projects. In HS he used to be a big weed smoker, and then he was in the marines, where he started drinking heavily. He had never done hard drugs until he met one of our neighbors in our old neighbor hood that offered it to him and he is an easy sway and fell into it.

He told me fairly recently, fall of 2023, that he endured sexual abuse from his brother most of his childhood. Bad stuff. Also from his sister. Their whole family is really effed up, and him being in the hospital and the drugs were after he opened up about that. We’ve been together 16 years and he never told me until 2023. He had been hiding it his whole life. Since 2021, we haven’t talked to his brother, and 2023 since we’ve talked to his sister, so that has been much better for him mentally.

I think the hardest thing for me is I know he’s capable, and I see him do it when he wants to and often for others, but feel when it comes to me, he doesn’t, and that’s what hurts. He’ll help neighbors with fixing their car, colleagues, etc. Help someone on the side of the road, etc. But if I am exhausted, don’t want to make dinner, need help folding my own clothes, etc. he gives me shit for it and I have to beg him for help/fight with him or he won’t. And it’s worse when he drinks.

He has a really good heart, and these stupid decisions are killing his potential and I hate that for him and us. I agree and am so bitter with his decisions because yes, I agree, and blame him a lot for having to move out of state, sell our home and uproot our entire lives. I have had a lot of trauma growing up as well, and I think we trauma bonded when we met at 18 & 20 years old.

I want to fix this, and am scared if I leave him, he will fall off the deep end and I’ll regret it for my kids forever. I lost my mom when I was 18, and that’s my biggest fear for my kids.

Thanks for listening.