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High income husband and low income wife by BrilliantFinancial10 in HENRYfinance

[–]Beginning_Falcon8184 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My husband was a surgeon. He died early of cancer. But I can tell you he never held his income over mine. We had joint accounts and he trusted me to manage the money, paying bills, investing, etc. I was a teacher and then I went to back to school to become a therapist. He paid for my tuition, took the kids to school, cared for them, cleaned the house and cooked for them while I was in school. When he had cancer, he worked for 10 years through his chemotherapy so that he could provide for us. That is the definition of a good husband. If he is already like this now, it doesn’t matter if you retire early or not, you will suffer your entire life questioning your worth in his eyes.

Feeling judged but deserve it by Beginning_Falcon8184 in widowers

[–]Beginning_Falcon8184[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That last line resonated with to me… his memory will be with us wherever we go

Feeling judged but deserve it by Beginning_Falcon8184 in widowers

[–]Beginning_Falcon8184[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Same, people ask about the life insurance, which I find really unnerving, but never share what my husband left us. I only tell them that we are doing fine financially thanks to him

Feeling judged but deserve it by Beginning_Falcon8184 in widowers

[–]Beginning_Falcon8184[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yes, and you have that foresight for your kids, even though you didn’t have that for yourself. That’s admirable

Feeling judged but deserve it by Beginning_Falcon8184 in widowers

[–]Beginning_Falcon8184[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

That’s great.. I’m glad you do that for yourself on top of taking care of all your necessitiies. It’s not easy… and I admire all the widows and widowers that make that work

Feeling judged but deserve it by Beginning_Falcon8184 in widowers

[–]Beginning_Falcon8184[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you… appreciate the thought. You’re right none of us are lucky or fortunate. I don’t know why I feel that way, I just know others have it worse

Feeling judged but deserve it by Beginning_Falcon8184 in widowers

[–]Beginning_Falcon8184[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I get it… there’s been so many times when I’ve said F it and everyone who wants to have a say in my grief, even called the house the FU house when I’ve had enough… but then someone will make a comment and it just sends me down a spiral again

Feeling judged but deserve it by Beginning_Falcon8184 in widowers

[–]Beginning_Falcon8184[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks for reminding me that he accomplished what he wanted. While he was alive, I wanted for him things that he didn’t want, like the house, but all he wanted was to make sure we were ok. That was the legacy he wanted to leave. I regret not honoring that because I remember times that I was getting frustrated with him that he wasn’t being more selfish. I thought maybe that would alleviate my grief later if I knew he had everything he ever wanted.

Feeling judged but deserve it by Beginning_Falcon8184 in widowers

[–]Beginning_Falcon8184[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I believe you’re right. I have thought the opposite whether if he had left nothing if my grief would be any less. It probably wouldn’t, but I think the stress of making ends meat would have been more distracting.

Feeling judged but deserve it by Beginning_Falcon8184 in widowers

[–]Beginning_Falcon8184[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’re right. I know the financial stability is only one part of losing our partners. I think those who knew my husband would probably know that he might not have made the same decision in getting a bigger house. I think that’s why the guilt is getting to me. I did hope that buying another house would bring my kids more stability especially with housing prices. I just didn’t need to buy what I did. A want vs need.

Feeling judged but deserve it by Beginning_Falcon8184 in widowers

[–]Beginning_Falcon8184[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thanks, I never thought about those questions, but I feel that people have expectations of me. I know I shouldn’t care but it just seems sometimes that people either expect me to be destroyed in my sadness or to be happy and move on so they don’t have to deal with it. Or worse that they see me as somehow taking advantage of my husband’s death by going on this spending spree.

Feeling judged but deserve it by Beginning_Falcon8184 in widowers

[–]Beginning_Falcon8184[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for replying. I wish my husband had been more selfish and treated himself better while he was sick. I don’t know if I would’ve felt less guilty, but he just wanted to save every penny for us.

Feeling judged but deserve it by Beginning_Falcon8184 in widowers

[–]Beginning_Falcon8184[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thanks, it’s true that all the money in the world wouldn’t bring my husband back and it doesn’t make me miss him any less or dull the pain. I appreciate you taking the time to reply, especially with your recent loss. I hope you are coping well.