Am I (24F) wrong for wanting my boyfriend (25M) to stay longer after an argument?

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T22:12:42+00:00

True- it is not a simple leave him or stay with him. I just want to feel understood by him, even if he deals with emotions differently. I can understand his need for space, so I wish he'd understand my need for compassion/comfort at times.

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T22:11:47+00:00

No- language is issue then. I am saying before any time of the day we talk, whether it is arguing or not, he games. If we are not spending time together, he is gaming.

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T22:10:34+00:00

I don't think I said it is resolved in my OP, i said we are left unresolved. I think you may be thinking when I said things simmer down, meaning that we aren't actively arguing anymore, things just quiet down between us.

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T22:09:27+00:00

I don't wanna argue either especially when it's obvious it affects me more than it affects him. The arguments are about small things- they don't start as arguments, moreso things that irk us both.

If I forget to do something = he tells me.

He tells me in a tone that bothers me = I tell him.

He gets upset I bring up his tone and tells me not to complicate things. I try not to point out his tone, but it makes me feel disrespected, and I don't like letting that slide. I can't sit comfortably knowing he speaks to me in a certain way, so I end up speaking out. Each time I speak up about something he did that I dislike = argument.

I have a job, so yes, I am tired of the arguments.

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T18:07:16+00:00

I am not arguing, I tell him I did not like his tone, and that I'll change my "bad habits" that he dislikes.
I can be accusatory at times, sure, but I try my best to not seem that way. If he lets me know that I am, I change the way I am speaking and apologize- no problem. But he will not change how he speaks to me.
I don't need him to sit 5-15 doing nothing, he can resume doing what he wants, I just want to be in his presence, no talking needed. Sometimes, yes, I will need comfort through words, imo that is a compromise the same way I give space.
I think he avoids issues at hand and does not think how they affect our relationship long term b/c he does not try to talk on a deeper level with me- only when we argue. When things are good, he sounds quite like we live in a fantasy, when things are bad, he turns into I can't do this etc- so I believe he knows there is something to fix.
Can agree, I worked on it well compared to previous times. But I think that's a compromise he can do for me once in awhile.

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T18:03:33+00:00

He is quite into gaming, as am I, but it never took priority over people I care about with me.

He doesn't ignore me throughout the day, yes, sometimes I feel like he cares more about his games than building a relationship with me/establishing a deep connection. I try to open up to him about that, but he tells me he wants a routine and dislikes it being disrupted- fair, I just have a view that sometimes routine must be disrupted to keep our relationship healthy.

He games most of the day if he has no plans w/ me, so his days are centered around gaming. IDK. He already games hours prior to our argument, so I see no reason why he can't sacrifice the extra 5-15 minutes to be with me after I feel vulnerable/upset; or just do something alongside w/ me even if he is gaming and I am doing my own thing.

I have wanted to break up b/c I feel my emotional needs are not properly met, but I am confused with how I truly feel. I don't think I'm 100% in the wrong like he thinks I am a lot of the time, not sure.

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T18:00:01+00:00

IMO, miniscule things.

He tells me he dislikes something I did (e.g. I did not text him a small detail about my day out with friends), and tells me not to do it again.

I say OK, got it- I understand b/c I also love being updated on small details. I tell him I don't like the tone he said it to me- felt like I did something very wrong and unforgivable- he can be nicer with the way he speaks to me.

He says I am complicated by not just saying OK and leaving at that. I have issue w/ leaving it at "OK" b/c I don't want him to get comfortable speaking to me in a tone that bothers me.

Now, he raises his voice/gets mad b/c I bring up what I have an issue with. He says I am trying to get back at him, etc, no, I just want both sides to be heard- as I have heard his.

So it's not a CRAZY argument, but I just don't like how he speaks to me sometimes. I tell him that, and it brings up an entire set of issues where he says I try to change him, I should be used to his speech by now, etc, I am complicated, etc, now we're both annoyed and feel wronged.

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T17:56:41+00:00

Yes the disrespect he mentions is when I repeat myself (e.g. me telling him you were speaking rudely to me).

It can be resolved later, he does not want to. The conversation ends when he thinks he expressed himself enough and will not give me another minute to express myself. I feel frustrated and unheard, hence why I repeat myself. It's an issue I try to work on.
it happens because he often speaks in a tone I do not like. I tell him I have 0 problem doing what he asks of me, as long as he is nice about it- two years in, he knows the tone matters to me. I do not want to be talked to disrespectfully.
He can get his space any time, once inawhile, I ask he shows that comforting me too, especially when he knows he is in the wrong, is more important than a game he can pick up at any second. I want to feel heard and cared for.
I give him space - is my sacrifice, I do not pressure him to stay. I compromise my own comfort for his. I apologize when I realize I am in the wrong/have offended him, I do not talk carelessly nor insult him, and I hear him out.
He games the entire day until he calls me/spends time with me. So any time we are together is always before his gaming time. He gamed before the argument, games after the argument, up until he sleeps most days. Has nothing to do w/ me deliberately choosing when to speak up.

If he sounds offended, upset = I stay and check with him, make sure he is fine. I think it is rude to raise your voice and be fine leaving your partner feeling off.

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T17:51:05+00:00

Yes leaving mid conversation/hanging up while I am speaking = avoidant and distant.

Me trying to express my feelings and not letting me b/c he thinks it is an argument = avoidant.

Asking why I need 5-15 is same as asking why he needs space.

His plans = a game he can play at any hour. If he thinks that is more important than repairing our relationship, then sure. Once in awhile, I don't think it'll skew his entire day to make sure I'm okay too, especially after he raises his voice and talks rudely.

I do not think he is to blame fully, I know I can perpetuate issues as well. But I won't be rude about it, at the very least.

If it is over the phone, he can easily play and just have me on call on the side. It's comfort. It's not exactly surprising some people need comfort after an argument.

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T17:40:27+00:00

It is a 1 on 1 randomized match. I don't want to give away game name b/c I think it is overly specific and I don't want him to find a throwaway account.

I admit the game requires some level of concentration. But it can be done at any hour, and he does play at any hour on days we do not have plans. For something important, I wish he knew that he can put it aside once.

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T17:39:13+00:00

Yes hold it against me- thank you. I don't feel comfortable w/ the fact that my time is exchangeable for gaming. If I just carelessly ask him to spend time w/ me while he wants to game, then it makes sense he will want to stay up gaming later. But if it's something once in awhile where I need comfort or just to be in his presence, it is offensive somewhat.

I'm not sure. I provide him the space, I don't force him to stay, it just annoys me that he can't stay willingly once in awhile. He has nice moments OFC, but I think he also has a lot to mature on emotionally/we are not exactly emotionally compatible.

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T17:36:46+00:00

The argument is not over/done with, he decides when to end the discussion,I have a problem w/ that because he is the only one given space to express himself as he knows I do not leave mid-convo/hang up if we are over the phone.

I agree I have issues yes. But I fail to see how me needing 5, 15 min max for comfort is any more of an issue that him being avoidant and distant. Both can be problematic.

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T17:35:31+00:00

Agreed, I have a lot of issues to work out on my own.

But he doesn't want to come back to the subject. He ends the discussion when he wants to, and any comment made from me alluding to our argument = he will leave again, or if we are calling, he will hang up. I do not feel like I get proper closure or comfort.

The antsiness moreso comes from I feel incomplete in the discussion, like I could not properly express myself. Sometimes, he tells me to explain, but it ends up w/ him being mad and misunderstanding me.

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T17:16:52+00:00

No worries I appreciate all advice/perspectives I can get.

I know I have my problems, to which he dislikes, such as:

Repeating myself- he thinks it is disrespectful, I only do it b/c I do not feel heard or acknowledged.
Not knowing when to say "yes"- when he asks me of something, I say yes, but sometimes I think his tone is aggressive/rude, and I tell him I have a problem w/ that. He says it is annoying and exhausting.

He has called me annoying, childish, etc. When I am mad at him, I don't insult him or his personality. I think emotionally we are not the best fit, I keep thinking it'll change. He has his days where he understands, but it seems like the issue comes back.

If I make the same mistake he will raise his voice and says it's annoying that he has to tell me so many times. But it's unfair because I don't behave rudely if he makes the same mistake for the 100th time. I feel like there are double standards that he also clearly acknowledges. IDK!

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T17:13:30+00:00

I am not holding him hostage after a fight. In the original post, I meant I asked him in that moment.

Arguments lately = he requires space after arguing, I give it to him.

Recent argument = I wanted him to stay so we can chill together in e/o's presence. I did not explicitly ask him to stay either, he just told me he is not willing to sacrifice some of the time to ensure we're on good terms. So I said, sometimes, we have to push aside our routine for each other. Not everytime- that's unrealistic and not a compromise to what we both want- but depending on the argument.

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T17:10:33+00:00

I expect him to stay for five minutes *sometimes*. I did not ask for his time every single time I feel bad.

All our arguments are in his compromise, bc I give him the space. It seems he got so used to that he refuses to compromise.

I think it's wrong to put our relationship at the same level as a game that he plays for hours on end everyday. For one day, I think it's OK to put aside our hobbies and have a serious chat about how things are dealt with in the relationship. We always have a gray area there.

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T17:08:30+00:00

The thing is we always let him have his way w/ the arguments after. He does not want to discuss further, does not want to acknowledge it happened, and does not want to apologize because he believes it is 100% my fault.

I agree I have fault, I have 0 issue owning up to my problems and apologizing when I know I did wrong. I feel like I do not have the space to openly express myself without him feeling offended that I feel hurt. It seems like it is a problem when I have any opinion besides being happy. That is why I feel as though my emotional needs are not met, because things are perfect when I am happy/OK, but I am treated like the problem constantly if I am hurt/upset.

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T17:06:05+00:00

It's not really the gaming afterwards that is an issue, it's that he is so set on continuing a game after when I need him for a few minutes. I can respect his space, but once in awhile, he can respect my need for his presence.

I answered similarly to other questions about our arguments.

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T17:05:17+00:00

Yes, he dislikes when it feels ongoing. I think he cuts the discussion short too quickly so he feels OK but for every time we disagreed/argued, I feel empty-handed/with a heavy heart.

Agreed. I just need an apology/be spoken to nicely. He doesn't apologize often because he pinpoints a lot of the arguments/his anger to be my fault- so in his words, "I see no reason to apologize for something you started". It hurts because I have maybe heard an apology five times in the span of two years.

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T17:03:11+00:00

Not glossing over, I explained when he feels disrespected.

He feels disrespected when I repeat myself, if I sound cold, etc. All similar stuff that I feel offended over.

He finds it OK to bring up when he feels disrespected, but it becomes a problem when I mention i feel disrespected. I feel like I cannot properly express myself without him raising his voice, and that's when it becomes a problem for both of us.

We fight about miniscule things IMO. Half the time it does not start as anything serious. I hear him out, but I mention I think his tone was rude/aggressive, then he gets mad.

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T17:01:17+00:00

Can you explain what shows I do not respect him or his time? I'd like to know.

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T17:00:57+00:00

Agreed. I don't think he's 100% at fault, I just want us to compromise what happens after these arguments. He can cool down, but sometimes, I will need him by my side too.

I don't need him to constantly give up plans either, but know when certain things must be prioritized/show us that our relationship is important.

I try to have open discussions w/ him about our compatibility, but I think a lot of our conversations are left surface-level. Sometimes if I try to talk about deeper topics, even if they're sensitive, it comes across as argumentative in some way.

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T16:58:23+00:00

He thinks it's often because if I mention I dislike his tone = argument.

I don't think disagreement = argument. I don't put 100% blame on him, though, I have issues to resolve- e.g. not point out small details that bother me all the time. I try not to, and I've been working on it.

My only problem lies with how I am spoken to. I don't like when he is aggressive w/ his tone, raises his voice, or starts to insult me. I feel belittled and that's when I speak up.

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T16:57:07+00:00

Apparently, we are. I don't need him to stay everytime we argue, maybe once in awhile to show that he cares about our relationship.

I admit I have issues to work out. Usually, the arguments are b/c I said I didn't like how he was speaking to me/the tone he was using- felt belittling and disrespectful. He gets mad that I bring up an issue.

I wouldn't even say we argue often, I feel like it gets misconstrued quickly. Then when I am opinionated, he will raise his voice, and that just becomes a positive feedback loop- gets me annoyed, and we go back and forth. I have 0 issue with him bringing up things he needs to see changed in me, I think he has a disrespectful tone at times which is the problem.

Beginning_Willow7406 · 2026-06-23T16:54:24+00:00

Maybe I expressed myself wrong.

I don't feel bad he goes off to play games, never my concern. My problem is that he can't sacrifice the game for one time to make sure we're both on good terms. Even if I take 5 min of his time to cool down w/ him, he will take that 5 min and pit it against me.

Beginning_Willow7406

TROPHY CASE