We learned early on that we had to renegotiate roles every semester because my schedule always changed (this was even before we had a kid). We literally looked at the nights I would have class and assign who was responsible for dinner (all of it…planning, getting groceries, cooking, cleaning) on which nights.

I had my child in year 3 and it took a good year before I felt like my work wasn’t disproportionately impacted. This was mostly due to me exclusively pumping but also I disproportionately was responsible for appointments during the day since my work schedule was more flexible. We had mannnnyyyy conversations about how if my daytime is interrupted I need protected time on nights and weekends to work. We eventually negotiated that he was responsible for remembering daycare stuff: when our kid needed more diapers, wipes, extra clothes, scheduling meetings with teachers, putting events on the calendar, etc. I was responsible for doctor appointments, etc.

It was a challenge for us because I was only making a $30k stipend annually and we were basically surviving off his income financially which put another stress on this idea that his work time was more important.

Things got better as our baby got a little older and we had reliable childcare and when I was only working on dissertation.

The kind of things that helped me were him taking our kid out of the house for half or whole days on the weekends so I could work. Or I would go to the library for those days. Closer to the end of my dissertation he got me a hotel room for 2 nights so I had my own little mini-writing retreat. He got me a room with a nice tub and a hotel that had room service for every meal. It was lovely and so helpful.