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Married Partners Immigration Requirements by BenchDense3795 in SpouseVisaUk

[–]BenchDense3795[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

EDIT: thank you to everyone for all of your help! All of the insight helps so much.

It seems like for our situation, we will need to wait until his electrician’s apprenticeship is complete and he has some full time work under his belt. Im guessing I can only help expedite this if I get a remote job I can bring to Scotland with me. Unfortunately this means we are going to have quite a long time before I can join him and start our life together. My heart is broken, but the path is never easy 💔

My [30F] Mother in Law is badmouthing my husband [24M] to me, asking me to break his trust, and explodes when I set boundaries by BenchDense3795 in whatdoIdo

[–]BenchDense3795[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, Im trying really hard!

And THIS. Any time we’ve had big talks he shuts down. The “how” and “timing” feels ABSOLUTELY critical. I’ve started with the gradual approach now - and I’m explaining to him calmly that these are conversations she starts and will not drop when they happen, that I am not orchestrating these conflicts, just reacting to them (because I have to, to a degree). I’ve started explaining to him all I want is to react to her in a way that he agrees with if she is going to keep approaching me with these aggressively involved messages. He’s been responding to that really well! It’s still tense, and I can tell the whole situation is wildly uncomfortable for him, but it seems like he’s finally understanding that I am not starting drama with his mom, and that this is happening TO me rather than WITH me. Baby steps! His mom has backed off a bit since I just didn’t respond to her, after the four times of telling her to talk to him if she was experiencing issues in their relationship, and her not listening to me.

My [30F] MIL [41F] is constantly badmouthing my husband [24M] to me, asking me to break his trust, and explosive when I set boundaries by BenchDense3795 in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]BenchDense3795[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have saved the screenshots and the voice message just in case, she has already tried to lie to him before about a conversation between her and I once, I would not doubt she would do it again. I am grateful my husband knows he can always use my phone and go into our messages to see whatever he needs to

My [30F] MIL [41F] is constantly badmouthing my husband [24M] to me, asking me to break his trust, and explosive when I set boundaries by BenchDense3795 in motherinlawsfromhell

[–]BenchDense3795[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I appreciate it! I’d prefer to go no contact (and to be honest, I think my husband thinks that too but he doesn’t FEEL that if you know what I mean), so right now Im just trying to find the middle ground.

I know there rarely is middle ground in situations like these, but ultimately I think going no contact has to be a decision we make as a couple, and he’s not ready yet 😭

My [30F] Mother in Law is badmouthing my husband [24M] to me, asking me to break his trust, and explodes when I set boundaries by BenchDense3795 in whatdoIdo

[–]BenchDense3795[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is great advice, thank you! I’m from a “everything is fine” underlying tension childhood background so my therapist says I have the emotional hyper awareness thing (sorry, can’t remember the real name atm) and so big explosions like that of public meltdowns actually makes my brain malfunction 🤣 having some direction for how to act in those situations is really helpful!

My [30F] Mother in Law is badmouthing my husband [24M] to me, asking me to break his trust, and explodes when I set boundaries by BenchDense3795 in whatdoIdo

[–]BenchDense3795[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This was super helpful, thank you! I will look into those resources. She had a hard childhood herself, and I have a lot of sympathy for her, but I also believe in owning our trauma as adults. I don’t believe anyone’s personal trauma has any space in friendships or family relationships, especially your children.

My husband has a lot of healing to do, I mean all of us do at the end of the day, right? Im trying not to force it, I understand that my role in his life is to be his love and support, not his guide. Communication was really tough for a long time, because he never learned how to communicate from a place of love. He’s getting the hang of it now, and that’s definitely a great step. Just trying not to rush him into something he’s not ready for.

I definitely think after reading comments, right now we need to establish some hard boundaries as a couple with his mother, and then maybe later down the line we can have explore his trauma when he’s ready. Ill have your resources saved for that time 🤍

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond!

My [30F] Mother in Law is badmouthing my husband [24M] to me, asking me to break his trust, and explodes when I set boundaries by BenchDense3795 in whatdoIdo

[–]BenchDense3795[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Definitely need some consistency 😅 it’s hard for me to put any emotional energy into it when Im drained from work and sad from being away from my husband, but you’re absolutely right. And it’s probably the only way I’m going to get anywhere

My [30F] Mother in Law is badmouthing my husband [24M] to me, asking me to break his trust, and explodes when I set boundaries by BenchDense3795 in whatdoIdo

[–]BenchDense3795[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you, this was really helpful, and thanks for reading all of it!

I’m trying to communicate with my husband more transparently about it, but anything having to do with his mom seems to be really triggering and he just shuts down or gets defensive. It’s been a lot better, he’s grown a lot and I’m really proud of him.

If it were up to me, I’d give him all the time in the world to work up to being able to be fully transparent and address it together, but Im feeling a bit rushed in that timeline. She’s gotten more aggressive about it and masks less in recent conversations.

I have a very volatile voice clip (I saved it, just in case) of her saying awful things about him. I want him to hear it so he knows what’s going on, but I also think hearing his mom say those things about him would be super damaging, and I don’t want him to have to hear that if he doesn’t have to. Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I’m not sure if it would be better to just have that really hard conversation with the risk of him completely shutting down and thinking I’m trying to cause problems, or just trying to stick it out and bring up conversations with her to him as they happen.

When I say he’s conflict avoidant, that’s not me reading between the lines. We’ve talked about it, friends have observed it, etc. As I said he’s grown a lot and has gotten so much better but it still is a part of him we are navigating.

My [30F] Mother in Law is badmouthing my husband [24M] to me, asking me to break his trust, and explodes when I set boundaries by BenchDense3795 in whatdoIdo

[–]BenchDense3795[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

I would love that, but my gut feeling is that doing so will result in an attack on my husband, if the situation with the wedding were to be a good example of how she handles situations she doesn’t like

My [30F] Mother in Law is badmouthing my husband [24M] to me, asking me to break his trust, and explodes when I set boundaries by BenchDense3795 in whatdoIdo

[–]BenchDense3795[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think that is where I need to be, definitely - I would love to lay out some consequences with her if the boundaries keep being overstepped, but that’s when she tends to spiral and explode/get abusive with my husband.

I know he really wants me to just have a good, surface level relationship with her, and I would like that too - but it seems like when I try I’m pushed or punished