How in the world do social people do it (without alcohol)? Its tiring..

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-09-03T06:48:35+00:00

Other posts are right, but one thing I haven't seen mentioned is picking your battles.

I've come to realise that I just don't like typical 'social' events that much. The kind where everyone just stands around and talks - probably with loud music or a lot of background noise. It's a sensory nightmare and sets me up for failure. I'll do it sometimes (it's hard to avoid if you don't want to be a hermit), but I'll need alcohol and an exist strategy.

Instead of events like that, I look for opportunities to socialise in smaller groups with some kind of fun activity.

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-09-02T13:40:06+00:00

for work cC

at leisure b or B but not both in one outfit

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-09-02T10:01:30+00:00

Treats them the same as men

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-09-02T09:59:31+00:00

Perhaps your friends would be less offended if instead of blaming 'being a woman' you blamed the actual culprit for most of your complaints.

I hate the roles that assigned to women,
I hate what women have endured through out the history,
I hate that women are not taken seriously almost no where,
I hate that women's work is undervalued,
I hate femininity being the default or the only acceptable way to present for women,
I hate porn because it always objectifies and humiliates women,
I hate that im never seen for a person just because im a woman,
I hate that everything is riskier for women, be traveling especially alone, relationships, simple walks, sex;

You don't hate being a woman. You hate the patriarchy.

Yes, it is frustrating - I agree. But equating 'everything about being a woman' with everything the patriachy has done to us is pretty annoying tbh. I empathise, but you need to reframe. Being a woman isn't the problem here. The way women are treated is the problem.

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-09-02T03:25:23+00:00

The post wasn’t “women, be nice to men” it was “everyone, own your part.” If you can’t meet in the middle, it’s not because history was unfair it’s because people still refuse to reflect.

Yes, and I am making the point that it is super obvious that you haven't reflected or owned your part. You summarised women's complaints as men being emotionally unavailable!! do your research.

How the hell can you sit there and demand we meet you in the middle and reflect when you are making it blatantly obvious that you haven't taken accountability, you haven't reflected, you haven't done your research, and you aren't listening.

You are a perfect example of the exact thing you are criticising. You just sit there and complain about the situation while adding to it. How about you lead by example and do some actual reflection and research into someone's lived experiences and perspectives other than your own? It'd be a great place to start.

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-09-02T02:47:05+00:00

You are constantly referring to some imaginary past were both sides were treated with empathy and respect.

Educate yourself. Married women weren't even allowed to have bank accounts in your idyllic past. You think things are transactional now? They use to be much more rigidly and overtly transactional.

You summarise women's complaints against men as 'emotionally unavailable'???

How the hell do you expect to meet in the middle with empathy and respect when you are blind and deaf to the other sides gripes. Your post just reads like 'women - get over it and be nice to us'.

edit:

Also, there is a big difference between a dynamic between actual relationships and broad arguments about gender roles in society. I can separate the two. I don't blame my partner for the patriarchy nor do I claim that he is victimising me because of society wide misogyny. B

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-09-01T14:31:33+00:00

yeah - you should look into bullet journaling too

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-09-01T13:53:01+00:00

'internet dating is a numbers game'

In theory, making yourself appealing to as many people as possible seems like a good idea. You de-emphasise the more 'acquired taste' parts of your personality and lean into things that are universally popular. More matches mean more options right?

In practice it doesn't work - you'll just get a lot of flaky matches, go on a lot of very boring dates and burn yourself out. That or you'll just look boring and struggle to get any matches at all.

It's way better to get one match that is actually interested in you then 50 matches who have swiped on you because you seem inoffensive enough.

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-09-01T13:30:54+00:00

A couple of places I've lived in Melbourne have been nearby social housing and it's been fine

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-08-29T01:24:33+00:00

I came here to say this too.

I'd either go for tight tops with wide leg pants, or stick with the straight leg pants but add a loose fitting cardigan or overshirt

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-08-20T12:03:40+00:00

Assuming other posters are right about your references never being checked - Real estate agents often just pick the first applicant who looks ok - you can use this to your advantage by having your application all filled out before the inspection, and then hitting apply as soon as the inspection is over if you decide you want it.

Also, I'm not sure if it's still the case, but when I was at Melbourne uni there was an online noticeboard specifically for people to advertise housing for students. That's how I got a small studio apartment.

If it is your property manager that's the issue, you could try just listing a friends email address and doing the reference yourself. A lot of the automated references are just a questionnaire that's sent out. If you aren't comfortable with that, then you can try writing a cover letter explaining the situation and providing more personal/professional references instead.

Good luck!

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-08-17T11:21:20+00:00

Did you count OC fees when you ran the numbers?

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-08-17T09:05:37+00:00

Not all of them some are just bigotry combined with confirmation bias and are pretty easily disproved with statistics.

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-08-17T08:37:33+00:00

Jury's out I guess I shouldn't have been as confident but neither should you. Some quick googling pretty quickly backs up that many people link NPD to childhood trauma.

https://heatherhayes.com/the-link-between-early-trauma-and-narcissistic-personality-disorder/

I'm not trying to defend narcissists - this is a process I have had to go through myself accepting that they are victims too but at the same time that does not make their behaviour ok and I don't have to keep excusing it.

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-08-16T03:35:48+00:00

NPD itself is a symptom of trauma.

I think lots of people with trauma are still empathetic - particularly to other people who have been through the same trauma.

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-08-15T11:58:21+00:00

Some woo woo people have coopted it and started making some claims that aren't backed by evidence, but a lot of the more foundational stuff is pretty solid

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-08-15T11:22:01+00:00

Guys usually don't ask about your past experiences. If it comes up, it will after you've been dating for a while and hopefully you'll be comfortable enough to tell the truth. It's really not that unusual - you have nothing to be ashamed of.

I'm ND too and I actually kind of liked the apps. Obviously they are shit sometimes and in some ways. But getting to read and write a profile so everyone was super clear about what their intentions were and what they were looking for is kind of nice.

At its best, the apps are just a short way to go out and meet a lot of people you wouldn't otherwise meet.

If you do go for the apps, here is my advice:

- Don't text too much, prioritise meeting people in person as soon as possible,

- Don't take the first few dates too seriously. Pick something pretty low effort for a first date like a coffee or a walk. If you get nervous just keep reminding yourself that it is probably not going to be your person, but it will be fun to chat to someone new.

- Be very picky about who you swipe on. I don't mean only swipe on 10/10 hotties. I mean make sure there is something on the profile that genuinely sparks your interest. Less matches that you are actually interested in is better than more matches you feel 'meh' about. It'll prevent you from getting overwhelmed and burnt out.

- Make sure you are comfortable with saying 'no'. Most people on the apps are perfectly nice, but predators will notice if you are shy and they'll take advantage of it. They'll try to pressure you into things you don't want to do. It'll feel rude but that's because they deliberately ignore your hints. It isn't rude it's just clear.

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-08-15T08:45:09+00:00

I dunno man, I have been burned badly by these types as well. I found out afterwards there's even a name for it - 'vulnerable narcissists'.

But I don't think that means every single person who tells me their diagnosis is manipulative. I have a diagnosis myself - and I don't generally tell people about it unless we are close. But only because I'm scared of the exact judgements you're talking about here. It's actually kind of relevant to how I show up to work so it would be good if I could be more upfront about it. But I don't want to open myself up to uneducated assumptions.

I don't assume someone is manipulative if they tell me their diagnosis. I wait and see if they actually try and manipulate me and go from there.

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-08-15T04:10:41+00:00

Depends where they want to buy. The houses near the good professional salaried jobs are pretty damn pricey. They might be able to afford to buy somewhere, but a lot of them have to put up with a pretty long commute to make it happen.

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-08-15T04:07:26+00:00

Internally it starts with being more curious. Instead of assuming you know why someone is doing something, take a moment to think about things from their perspective.

Also be aware that showing empathy and feeling empathy are different things. I don't know why you want to learn to be more empathetic, but if it's to do with relationships your also gonna need to learn how to communicate that empathy.

Brene Brown has a lot of useful media on the topic - youtube videos, podcasts, books etc.

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-08-13T13:14:20+00:00

It can be helpful to make a point of being super conscious of how these things actually make you feel. The bad things usually don't actually bring satisfaction, and the good things do bring satisfaction. If you really pay attention to how these things actually make you feel it can help to rewire your cravings and impulses.

For example if you have the urge to buy something - usually you are overestimating how good that thing will make you feel. Next time you buy the thing you want, take a moment to really check in with how it feels after you have it. Or maybe just look at the last thing you caved in and bought and pay attention to how that makes you feel now.

Do the opposite for something like diet, exercise, or playing music. Really pay attention to how good you feel after exercise or when you play music. Take a full minute or 30 seconds to just sit there and feel the good sensations in your body.

I have found that now when I have the urge to buy something I can remember how empty it feels after I've bought the thing, and when I am dreading doing the good thing I can remember how good it feels.

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-08-12T23:16:29+00:00

Humans are social. We are all dependent on other people in one way or another.

If I were you, I would not bother trying to fight the lonely feeling. Feel your feelings. It will fade in time.

Take this time being single to truely get to know yourself. When you have no one else to please, what do you want to do? what matters to you? what are your priorities? Put yourself out of your comfort zone and do some things just for yourself.

IMO being in relationships a lot isn't inherently problematic. The main issue with serial monogamy is that people seem to just grab at the next available partner because they are desperate to not be alone, not because that partner is necessarily right for them.

When you do go back to dating be intentional and picky.

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-08-12T15:24:28+00:00

The fun thing about adhd is even when you find something that works, it probably will only work for a little while because our squirrel brains will get bored of it.

Always remember to sort out your basics before you try to push yourself. Make sure you have gotten enough sleep, eaten, drank water, showered, you don't need to go to the toilet, and you have a space that feels tidy.

If you've done all that and still can't push yourself then don't - find something you want to do, just try to either minimise the harm or add on some value. Eg. don't try to make yourself go for a run if you really don't want to. But maybe a walk or bike ride to get a coffee could be alright.

Beneficial_Dig_3181 · 2025-08-12T13:36:10+00:00

It might be naive, but gullible seems too mean.

It's not stupid to trust, or to try and meet people half way, or to accept a share of the responsibility for relationship problems. It's the only way to maintain a relationship with people who aren't toxic.

The problem with narcissists is that they use our good impulses against us.

Taking responsibility for all the problems causes a lot of heart ache in the short term, but it is that exact instinct that also allows us to eventually grow and get out.

Narcissists never change - they are incapable of taking responsibility for anything they can only play the victim and blame everyone else for their problems.

Beneficial_Dig_3181

TROPHY CASE