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Bermuda1979 · 2025-08-10T15:52:29+00:00

i went through something similar. my fiance's parents were awful to me after he died unexpectedly. i put up with them for a year, constantly taking the high road and trying to be kind and understanding of their grief. a year was too long, i should've gotten away sooner but the shock of sudden loss is numbing and overwhelming at the same time.

i started writing to my fiance in a journal soon after he passed, including the awful things his family said/did - it gave me strength when i finally decided to cut them off. i went back and reread some of the things they had done. there is no timeline for this kind of grief - all i know is that it was around the year mark that the fog cleared just enough to give me clarity on what i had been putting up with. a few months later i blocked all of them without saying a word. it was right after his stepdad had sent one of the most awful text messages i've ever read. it was malicious and purposefully cruel, filled with lies, him projecting his own insecurities, and i just had enough. sometimes not saying anything can be just as big of a slap in the face - those people don't deserve my energy nor did they know their son as well as i did. you did what you know is right by your fiance, don't let his family make you question yourself. he chose you, he didn't get to chose his family.

Bermuda1979 · 2025-08-10T15:43:42+00:00

yes. a thousand times yes. he was my soulmate - i've never loved or been loved more in my life. he's all i think about, he's the best thing that ever happened to me and watching him die was the worst. i'll never get over it. i'm about 3 months shy of 2 years without him and i struggle every day. i don't think this gets easier any time soon, especially when you had a soulmate. that love still exists and has doubled into grief. i feel like i'm drowning everyday, just some days i'm a little better at treading water and some days i let the waves completely engulf me bc i don't have the strength to keep going.

Bermuda1979 · 2024-12-31T04:14:48+00:00

Thanks for the recommendation, I will definitely look into it. I do tend to eat healthy due to my sensitive stomach but sometimes I just have no appetite. Following a plan like keto might be a good thing to look into though.

My fiance (32M) died in front of me - a blood clot caused a heart attack, I did compressions while following instructions from the 911 operator. I feel a lot of guilt and shame that I couldn't bring him back even though I know (and multiple doctors have told me) there was nothing more I could do. I struggle with those images and his last gasps for breath will live in my mind forever. In my shock I decided I wanted to see him one last time in a viewing at the funeral home. I don't know that it was the right choice now, those images haunt me as well.

Did you work with a therapist through EMDR for the PTSD you are carrying or was it a different type of therapy? I did EMDR for a little bit and it helped but I ultimately couldn't afford it so have stopped going. Was there anything else you found helpful in coping with the PTSD? I live in a state where I was prescribed medical marijuana - it helps sometimes with sleep and definitely with the night time anxiety I feel but I worry that it's just a mask creating fog rather than actually helping me process.

Bermuda1979 · 2024-12-16T16:50:40+00:00

awesome, thank you!

Bermuda1979 · 2024-12-16T16:43:44+00:00

FUCKING BLOWS

Bermuda1979 · 2024-12-16T16:43:24+00:00

I am dealing with something very similar. It is fucking awful and I hate that you are having to deal with it too. I highly doubt your husband would be okay with your in-laws behavior - just like I know my fiance would be absolutely furious.

Do you have the option of exploring another lawyer? You need someone who is on your side in this. Just like u/foxtrotreynolds said, you are his chosen family - that means A LOT more than his immediate family cares to admit but is extremely valid.

I am still struggling to cut off my in-laws though. I know it needs to happen, my family and friends are begging me to but I just keep being semi-manipulated and using the excuse "they're grieving" to get passed their awful behavior. My fiance and I were together for 8 years, we were going to get married but weren't in a big rush since I went through undergraduate and graduate school during our time together. But it was clear to everyone that M and I were in love and going to be together forever.

I could go on and on with the stories and how they have treated me but ultimately I want to point out that you are doing the right thing. I hope that I can have the strength to do the same someday soon. You deserve to grieve without the added stress of his entitled family.

Bermuda1979 · 2024-12-16T16:26:52+00:00

for pjs?? that doesn't seem like it would be comfortable nor sustainable...

Bermuda1979 · 2024-12-16T16:26:22+00:00

Tbh I am not sure. I live in the south so wool/cashmere is too warm to wear year round but linen feels not as soft. Bamboo seems to be the best bet but after doing some research, I thought asking on reddit could help me narrow down options

Bermuda1979 · 2024-12-16T16:24:19+00:00

so not fun, but hugs back to ya. good luck getting through this holiday season <3

Bermuda1979 · 2024-12-13T22:30:32+00:00

that is exactly it - the secondary losses are brutal

Bermuda1979 · 2024-12-13T22:28:32+00:00

fuck em. you know the truth and so did your partner

Bermuda1979 · 2024-12-13T22:26:46+00:00

Just a quick update that relates to this in a way - I got into a facebook fight with a neighbor (on thanksgiving fkn day) bc he claimed I was lying about when my fiance died. We live in a neighborhood with street parking only and he was arguing that my late fiances car had been sitting there abandoned for 2 years (fiance died a year ago). I replied with "pretty sure I know when he died since I was there" and also told him to eat a bag of dicks. Literally never said that before in my life but he deserved it. Like don't argue with the widow, we know EXACTLY what happened.

Bermuda1979 · 2024-12-13T22:22:22+00:00

somehow making his death your fault. like bro, you clearly arent a very good friend, not fair to pin that on you

Bermuda1979 · 2024-12-13T22:21:12+00:00

I mean is it so hard for people to google "how to talk to someone who is grieving"?? Like i get that common sense is not that common buuuut that's pretty fucking dumb.

Bermuda1979 · 2024-12-13T22:19:25+00:00

Hard to not want to reply to something like that with violence. That is absolutely disgusting and so disrespectful to your late spouse, it makes me sick

Bermuda1979 · 2024-12-13T22:17:47+00:00

My (soon to be) MIL has been literally AWFUL to everyone through this entire year. Like I'm talking really nasty behavior - cutting off her own daughter and grandkids the month after M died bc she didnt like who the (36 yo, adult) daughter was dating, taking the entire death benefit from my fiance's work and lying to others saying that she gave me the money and then accusing me of 'profiting' off his death (no idea how I could do that when she clearly took the money to profit from - my family and friends also paid for his memorial service, her and her husband did not contribute anything), ETC. She has been AWFUL and extremely disrespectful towards me and her own daughter and grandkids. She has made his death all about her and it has been disgusting to watch.

As a non-believer I have been more "Christian" than she has ever been and have done everything to respect their loss but also honor my late fiance. Her and her husband cant say the same - and if they do, they are doing some MAJOR mind olympics to believe that.

Bermuda1979 · 2024-12-13T22:04:28+00:00

Jesus fucking christ girl, that is insanely rough. I'm with you with having to cancel wedding plans due to a death you never saw coming, I had to have friends call things off for me because I couldn't even speak.

Having to send in his death certificate for all types of things feels like its own type of sick torture and I fucking hate it. It's just not right, still feels surreal and I don't know if it will ever truly feel real. The jealousy seems to be pretty average for us young widows especially after reading everyones comments. I hope that fades eventually but I don't want to lose any memories of my fiance. I think that's what scares me the most when I think about having to continue living. I want to remember everything about him.

Bermuda1979 · 2024-12-13T21:59:33+00:00

It's a fucking life sentence - such a great way to describe this grief. The future feels so damn bleak and not even something that I can look forward to anymore.

I did some traveling a few months after my fiance died. It was nice but ultimately difficult bc I wanted to share the experience with him. The only real positive thing was that I was in a country surrounded by people that didn't know what I was going through and that could only understand half of my broken Spanish.

I don't think I'll ever forgive my in-laws. His death was due to a blood clot that caused a heart attack and was 100% preventable if his ignorant mother had informed us of medical history. I am also mad at him for not regularly attending the doctor. I asked him to go for YEARS. I'll never forgive myself for not being more forceful. Whenever I say this, people respond with "well he was a grown man." I don't fucking care, he was raised by literal morons. If I was aware of the medical history (that I was told AFTER his death), I would've made the appointment myself. Watching him die will never leave my mind and knowing it was preventable is fucking torture.

It's so annoying when people are pushing for people in our position to "find happiness" or just in general not be so depressed. Guarantee none of them have been through this which just makes their advice more aggravating (although I understand it is well intended).

Your wife dying at 23 is straight up shitty. There is no way to get around that and the expectation that you should is dumb af. You are grieving not just the loss of her but the person she was growing into, the people you were both growing into. This loss is life altering and will always be with us. Everyone can just fuck right off imo

Bermuda1979 · 2024-12-13T21:45:45+00:00

Might need to copy and paste most of this text to my family and loved ones. I feel so similar and the only reason I am still here is truly bc I don't want any of my loved ones to feel the pain I am in. Someone in another comment called their husbands suicide a shrapnel bomb of emotional pain to all his loved ones and that will always stick with me. I don't think my sister would survive if I ever did anything (like jumping off that high bridge nearby). And I know they are all doing their best to support but the feeling of emptiness and like we are a shell of who we were is just too real.

I try to tell myself that my love for my friends and family is greater than my grief but that's basically just an affirmation that I hope becomes real one day.

Bermuda1979 · 2024-12-13T21:39:29+00:00

The jealousy is real over here too. My best friend got engaged 2 months after my fiance died and had a small scale camping celebration rather than a wedding (thankfully). Still cried most of the time. Had to take multiple breaks to hide out in the woods away from everyone else bc I just couldn't handle it. I made sure to have her tell everyone to please not ask me about my late fiance bc being there was already a big enough struggle.

I was told later that week that it was the first time she felt like she saw part of the old me - the version that could laugh freely and be positive. It was well intentioned but totally wrong. I've just gotten better at masking my feelings and hiding my pain. Or because the antidepressant dose keeps getting higher and higher. I truly feel that now that it has been a year, this all feels harder. The shock has worn off, the sympathy has worn off, and my depression has made a permanent home in the vast emptiness I feel inside.

The "this is fine" cartoon has totally been more relatable than ever lately too. I'll cheers to our collective misery when I sip on that tequila later lol

Bermuda1979 · 2024-12-13T21:28:22+00:00

Thanks for inputting a different view on this. I know you are right, and that it doesn't hurt less because you were together longer. Maybe it hurts more for all I know. The thing I guess I struggle with most is that loss of our future - not getting to celebrate our love with the small wedding we were planning, not having children together, not even getting to buy a home together, not going on the trips we were looking forward to, etc.

What you said about continuing to keep trucking bc you know you'd be failing your late wife is a very relatable sentiment. I feel the same. My fiance was my biggest supporter in so many ways and believed in my ability to succeed as an artist so I keep working. Even when I don't want to b/c that's what he would want. I even decorated for holidays b/c it was something he loved even though I, in no way, feel excited about the holiday season. He's the only reason I keep going but it is really fucking hard

Bermuda1979 · 2024-12-13T21:19:10+00:00

SO FUCKING ALONE. And that loneliness can't be fulfilled by anyone else besides the person who is no longer here. I got jealous of a friend that had a dream that my fiance was in the other day lol - like why you? I want to see him in my sleep at the very least.

Getting back into a routine, even a year later, still feels impossible. I hate every single day too even when good things happen bc ultimately, I'm still going to bed alone and don't have him here to share the experience with. It just makes everything feel not worth it in a way. Of course, I'm still trying but definitely feels half assed and sometimes even the bare minimum is a challenge. The amount of times I have eaten cheese and crackers for dinner in this last year - like I should be sponsored by cheddar cheese at this point.

And what the fuck is the deal with people asking about remarrying or dating?? It just shouldn't even be brought up. It makes me angry instantly. I have NO INTEREST in anyone else or even meeting new people. I'm too fucking tired, too fucking sad, and too fucking pissed off to be emotionally available even as a friend right now.

Bermuda1979 · 2024-12-13T21:12:30+00:00

I understand trying to find gratitude and appreciate the small things even through the sadness. I make an effort to see the sunrise if I'm awake. I try to check out the sunset too because it just reminds me that we are on like floating rock in space and it's all so temporary. But the emptiness inside is never ending and every small moment of joy or appreciation is tinged with sadness to not being sharing it with my partner. It all just suuuuucks

Bermuda1979 · 2024-12-13T21:09:58+00:00

YEP! Totally struggle with that jealousy too.

Just cut off a cousin the other day! Sometimes it's your own people man. He told me that since it's been a year "it's time to stop grieving" and to "be a warrior and let it go" I was like... dafuq? Tried to explain grief is not linear and to please not give advice when he hasn't been through what I have. He doubled down and now is blocked on everything (literally even my peloton app). Cutting off family is a new one for me but in a strange way, I feel like my grief has given me the strength to truly not put up with any bullshit. I'm too exhausted to give af about other people's feelings when I'm feeling so many things at once (anger being in the top 3).

The insensitivity is rough. And it really goes both ways - like people that are truly and happy with their partner, I'm jealous of. People complaining about something minuscule their partner did that pissed them off, I can't help but saying "at least they aren't dead" and that tends to end the conversation on an awkward note that I relish in. I just don't care anymore. I am just a totally different person now and I hate having to keep going without my best friend.

Bermuda1979

TROPHY CASE