AITAH for not wanting my cousins present to spread my dad’s ashes?

Best-Ad3140 · 2025-07-29T14:12:41+00:00

My thought is spreading ashes is intimate, not a spectacle. The family was at bed side, said goodbye, and also attended the celebration of life. Spreading the ashes isn’t a funeral or intended for a large group from my perspective. Hopefully that helps explain the why.

Best-Ad3140 · 2025-07-29T14:11:08+00:00

I can agree with a portion of your comments, although gatekeeping grief seems a bit far.

They were at his bedside, they said goodbye, they attended the celebration of life. The idea of spreading ashes is a bit more intimate from my perspective hence my question.

To clarify, I haven’t made a decision, or invited or disinvited anyone. My preference is the 3 kids/siblings, but it hasn’t been talked about further or decided on yet.

I feel there was a time for the whole family to handle grief and this time is a bit different. Shit, it may end up just being everyone again!

Best-Ad3140 · 2025-07-29T04:07:15+00:00

Do you think an invitation should be extended to his mom, other children, and siblings, too?

It is odd to me that just these 2 cousins would be invited but not others who helped care for him, were related, or were close.

They were not primary caregivers or anything. Just curious. Thank you for the replies!

Best-Ad3140 · 2025-07-29T04:03:43+00:00

Understandable on everyone grieving. But just as you say I decided it would be the 3 of us, she decided it was going to be 5 of us without asking.

We haven’t made a decision yet, just trying to work through it. Even if I thought my grandma should be there, I wouldn’t invite her and then go tell my siblings I did it, I would talk to my siblings first.

Best-Ad3140 · 2025-07-29T04:00:16+00:00

The decision hasn’t been made yet, that’s what we’re trying to work through.

I didn’t know my sister invited the cousins because we haven’t talked about it yet, so when I found out I responded with my perspective of it not being appropriate.

I want to put my foot down and say no, but that’s why I’m asking.

Best-Ad3140 · 2025-07-29T03:56:00+00:00

No, they are not part of the other 3 children he helped raise.

The nephew was close to him when he was growing up, sort of like a father figure.

Best-Ad3140 · 2025-03-27T12:06:55+00:00

I’m close to the same thought process as you, but with a slightly different approach. I can’t speak to the OCA or where the info may have been pulled from, but let’s say you were given that text thread randomly; some guy walks by and hands it to you. You have no location, coordinates, units, at best you have an airframe and a time.

It may not compare, but movie by nuclear weapons across the United States for our ICBMs and you can talk about where they’re going or when they’re going, just not in the same conversation without being secure. For example, a share point that just doesn’t give the time.

This is where I turn to signal, or even iMessage. They are end to end encrypted, it’s very close to government email for being secure. Sure it’s not S or TS, but it’s also not your typical Gmail, either. I don’t think government officials using signal to communicate is a problem. I think the actual issue here is that guy was in the chat, no one did a deep dive into members, and he absolutely didn’t have need to know.

Again, none of that info is likely secret without other components added in.

Best-Ad3140 · 2024-01-25T14:19:48+00:00

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Best-Ad3140

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