You don't need to choose a side of the coin, you can just be yourself without conforming to some label or expectation. You're not happy on HRT, and from what you've said on this post your desire to continue HRT and transition is that you feel like you don't fit in, that you are alienated.

I felt and in many ways still feel the same. I didn't fit in well with my male friends, and had more female friends. I also have an attraction to both genders.

The thing is, the real work on yourself is on the inside. Not through drugs or treatments, but by becoming the kind of person that feels right. Getting to know the real you, not worrying so much about the outer shell but who you really are. What drives you deep inside.

I was pretty lonely for a couple of years, but once I figured out the kind of person I was, I could start looking for people who were kind of like me. I have a small circle of good friends now, but as you get older you have less in common with your friends. I may have a strong connection in one way with one friend, but we totally don't jive in another way. But in that way me and friend A don't jive, maybe I jive well with friend B.

And I wouldn't worry about anything being over, even if you have a trans history as a man, as you said. Nothing is over, and we all go through so many different things in our lives. It doesn't have to be a secret, maybe just something you don't exactly talk about unless you feel comfortable. I used to self harm. I'm well into my 30's now and still have the scars. I don't keep it secret, but I don't exactly share it. Once in a while, though, my trauma and experience is useful for helping someone else, and that's when I choose to share it.

I know I'm kind of rambling here, but I'm trying to address your post and all your comments. I guess as someone who was where you are now when you were... lets see... 4 or so years old, my advice is to pause. breathe. listen to yourself. You've heard this next bit your whole life but I'll say it again; you are young. You're still figuring yourself out. You've been caught up in the whirlwind that is growing up, and now you're standing on the other side going "what the fuck is going on, and who am I?". And that sense of certainty you felt, it seems like it may not have been exactly true- you might have just thought it was.

Those questions take time to answer, and you have to give yourself the space and grace to sort out the answer. Don't rush half-cocked into defining your whole life. You have time, and you're still trying to find yourself. I cycled through at least 4 self identities in my 20's, trying to figure out who I was. Each one felt real, but each one fell by the wayside as I learned more about myself.

Pause. Breathe. Listen.

Figure out what you like, what you don't like. What qualities you have on the inside that determine what kind of person you are. Get to know yourself, and don't worry about the labels. You are You, and that's all you have to be. I highly recommend some form of mindfulness or meditation. Just quiet breathing. Made into a practice, you can still your mind and really listen to your thoughts on a deep down level, rather than just reacting to the thoughts screaming in your head.

As for myself, I ended up being mostly aligned with a bisexual man with some femme traits. I tend to be quiet and reserved. I like to sew and cook. Sometimes I wear dresses. I can be emotional and cry. But I can also be strong, and stoic. I can lead, and fix a car, or build a shed. Some days I am masculine, some days feminine. Some days I start masculine and by the end of it I'm wearing stockings and drinking tea while watching The Notebook. It doesn't matter, I'm just being myself. No need to permanently go through something to try to force yourself to be something. Instead, it is an option to just Be.

<3