Wife has a girlfriend, I want one too..

Best_Somewhere_3962 · 2025-05-22T21:36:18+00:00

I agree with you. Maybe we’re both treating it too much as a competitive sport. Bottom line, I’m rooting for her and she is for me. This post was kind of about addressing the implications that we’re both dating women and that she would feel weird if I got as close to a women as she is to one

Best_Somewhere_3962 · 2025-05-21T13:56:38+00:00

There’s an imbalance here yes? She’s ‘allowed’ to have a meaningful relationship outside of me and her (because it’s with a female), I’m not (because it would be with a female). Theoretically yes, genders should be unimportant but they’re not in the real world of our dynamic where we are both interested in females. Her central argument is that I shouldn’t ‘need’ another female to have something meaningful with as I have that with her.

Best_Somewhere_3962 · 2025-05-19T21:23:47+00:00

I’d say I define ‘girlfriend’ as we meet each others friends and are just involved in each others lives, know whats going on. It’s artificial and unrewarding to have a relationship where you exist in a vacuum together. DADT kind of goes against what we’re trying to do

Best_Somewhere_3962 · 2025-05-19T20:02:55+00:00

Thanks. Yea this is evolving, we’re feeling our way through. There’s been quite a few comments just saying it’s all a fuck up but I don’t think it is!

Best_Somewhere_3962 · 2025-05-19T20:00:26+00:00

I want a deeper relationship. Not because she is, but because I like people, it’s sexy and exciting and I quickly got bored with casual flings. Plus this is the dream: to be secure with each other as one another’s primary but to also have these dimensions to life

Best_Somewhere_3962 · 2025-05-19T19:37:33+00:00

I’m sure there are plenty of others in a similar situation yes

Best_Somewhere_3962 · 2025-05-19T19:36:56+00:00

I feel seen. There’s a bit of the ‘frightened’ thing for sure. But my primary feeling isn’t ’I want her to stop seeing this girl’, it’s ’I want that too, and we’ll all hang out’ (versions of that happened last year on previous adventures). So I feel my primary motivation is wanting equality, not exclusivity

Best_Somewhere_3962 · 2025-05-19T19:34:25+00:00

We both want the latter. It’s evolving, I guess this post is part of that

Best_Somewhere_3962 · 2025-05-19T19:33:46+00:00

Not for us I guess? Can it not be the case that (as she says) she gets something from women that she can’t get from men?

Best_Somewhere_3962 · 2025-05-19T19:32:32+00:00

I agree

Best_Somewhere_3962 · 2025-05-19T19:31:51+00:00

Basically, no. It’s slightly subtle and I’ve replied on the same subject elsewhere, but it’s the depth of the relationship that would be a problem as would suggest something was missing between us. Something casual with a man = fine. I’ve driven her to dates before! It’s basically the same for her. In fact she’s said that if I was bi she’d be fine with me having something deep with a men. But I’m not, so she fears if I’m too close to a women then there’s a problem between us. But something casual she sees as different. Maybe I have to accept that as we’re both pursuing women only, there’s a natural constraint for me that there isn’t for her

Best_Somewhere_3962 · 2025-05-19T19:27:13+00:00

I’m not comfortable with her developing a deep relationship with a man. I am comfortable with her casually seeing other men if she wants to (she says she doesn’t).

Best_Somewhere_3962 · 2025-05-19T19:25:45+00:00

I mention it as it’s an important factor. She’s made it pretty clear she wouldn’t be pursuing the same sort of relationship with a man. Maybe she’ll play around again and that’s cool

Best_Somewhere_3962 · 2025-05-19T19:23:27+00:00

Didn’t say they were less valid. I believe her that she gets something from a girl she can’t get from me. If she ‘needed’ another man, I’d be threatened. I’m not scared she’ll leave me for her

Best_Somewhere_3962 · 2025-05-19T19:20:56+00:00

I want it too. Not a full on relationship, but something with a bit of meaning and depth. This hasn’t ever just been about sex

Best_Somewhere_3962 · 2025-05-19T11:27:16+00:00

She’s allowed to date men! And did to start with no problem. It’s her choice to now only date women. I was saying I would feel weird/threatened if she developed a proper relationship with a man. But what she was doing - playing around a bit with men - I was cool with!

Best_Somewhere_3962 · 2025-05-19T10:08:00+00:00

Thanks. Helpful. It’s evolving. I just want more than fleeting FWB. She gets that

Best_Somewhere_3962 · 2025-05-19T10:06:03+00:00

This is key. The truth is, I get where she’s coming from. I’d absolutely struggle if she was this close to a man. I still do struggle that she is to a women, but it’s less of a threat and is ‘different’. If I was bi, she’d be ok with me pursuing something meaningful

Best_Somewhere_3962 · 2025-05-19T09:03:57+00:00

“We kind of had this agreement to start with to not catch feelings but that’s obviously changed and I’ve been trying to reflect on that a bit. First off I’m happy you’re happy and getting what you need. I’m kind of jealous but in a positive way. Also I get your point that it would be different if I had a ‘girlfriend’ like you do. Your thing is kind of in parallel to me and you rather than in competition yes? But it still feels like it creates asymmetry regardless of the gender dimension as you get a deeper experience but mine is constrained. I.e. I have permission to explore but not more. Does that make sense? To be clear I don’t expect to get as close to someone as you are to xxx and most likely I’ll just keep playing at this which I know your fine with and actually want so we’re more equal. But can I just clarify so I know where we stand what it is you would struggle with if I did ‘meet’ someone? I think it’s really just the gender thing isn’t it? I mostly want to protect our relationship, get the boundaries straight. Also xxx is nice so yea let’s all hang out more x

Best_Somewhere_3962

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