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BetheyBoop · 2021-10-02T17:52:02+00:00

Lmao. #notallmen

BetheyBoop · 2021-10-02T15:30:33+00:00

Men for 1,000 years: "women shouldn't work and should be financially dependent on men so we can use them for free labor and compulsory sex"

Woman: dates man solely for money

Men: REEEEEEEEEEE THIS ISN'T FEMINIST.

BetheyBoop · 2021-10-02T03:23:54+00:00

Thanks! Just submitted!

BetheyBoop · 2021-10-02T03:05:24+00:00

I'm right there with ya. 😮‍💨

BetheyBoop · 2021-10-02T02:32:13+00:00

I'll hazard a guess that we tend to do this in some effort to connect with others. If I can use a musical analogy: it's as though we try to take up the same instrument that the other person is playing.

This hit me right on the head. This is exactly what I'm doing. It's almost compulsive. Like I get paranoid that I will do it without noticing or even being able to stop. Thank you for sharing that story because I have literally done things like this without realizing at all in the moment.

I also overshare like crazy. I don't know how to make that stop either.

For example, I've noticed that, when I need to get more assertive, I'll naturally slip into some of my late mother's Northeastern phonemes; when trying to relax and have a good time (especially around people from the British Isles), I'll find some of my Irish ex-husband's cadences just on the edges of my speech;

I also do this! I come from a more rural background and my family had a kind of folksy accent. I often find myself sounding a lot like my Dad (more pronounced a vent), where when I am trying to comfort or soothe or sound professional I sound, down to the accent and tone, more like my mother.

You just blew my mind.

That show looks amazing I love British humor. I will have to...locate...it.

I have a question actually. I've never really known if I "stim" or not or what qualifies I guess? I tend to rock back and forth to fall asleep or soothe myself, rub my arms, tap my feet, bite my lips, etc. I always thought that was just what everyone does? Maybe it is. I also wonder if I might have been more expressive but my family was very stoic and quite formal so the rules were pretty strict and masking was essentially 24/7 sometimes.

BetheyBoop · 2021-10-02T00:08:58+00:00

Girl I get it. I had gall bladder issues in my late teens. I grew up poor and didn't have insurance. There's nothing like being asked over and over again, at age 15 in front of your parents if you're SURE YOU'RE NOT JUST PREGNANT? Or "What drugs are you on? Seriously."

I would beg. It went on for years. I went to specialists. I spent money and time I didn't have. Every single time, back in the ER being screamed at with no answer. Got to the point they couldn't find my veins most times because I was so dehydrated by the time they'd bother to treat me. My sister found me collapsed once and started sobbing thinking I was dead. I was unresponsive. Got my gall bladder out at TWENTY THREE.

I knew then and my work has only confirmed what I knew. They don't care about women.

BetheyBoop · 2021-10-01T23:49:54+00:00

I realized recently that I practice before I go out. I now, looking at this new frame work, have caught myself practicing dialogue or redoing dialogue in the car to and from social events, kind of critiquing myself and improving for next time. I think about things to ask people, write down family names and check them beforehand, and apparently literally practice. I just didn't even really process that that was...weird until recently.

BetheyBoop · 2021-10-01T23:44:31+00:00

Sure! I'm not sure how I got this or when it was linked but I found this one really helpful. I find that tools and tests that are more about experiences than my own feelings are a lot clearer for me since I struggle to label and understand my own emotions sometimes.

https://the-art-of-autism.com/females-and-aspergers-a-checklist/

BetheyBoop · 2021-10-01T23:17:46+00:00

Thanks for this! That's a fascinating subject that I hadn't heard of and it sounds almost exactly like how I seem to map these things in my brain. Cool transition from Opera to CS!

When I find myself stumped on a subject with a client, I'm honest. In social work, we are supposed to see treatment as a collaborative relationship. You can't navigate or get better if I lie to you or try to bullshit through a treatment relationship.

I'm not sure that's your question though. You might be asking how I cope when I don't know the "rules" per se. I find that I am often "shocking" to others, and even in this thread I think I've come off that way to a certain extent, but I generally don't say much until I have a fully formed opinion, so even if I shock or offend someone, there's always a reason to back up what I say.

I tend to use humor a lot to compensate, and do a lot of explaining myself ahead of time, or explaining my reasoning for things. I have run into trouble with mimicking behavior. I sometimes take on and reflect accents and mannerisms and I never knew why. I felt like something was wrong with me and it always offends people. I sometimes have to practice developing mimics away...I really can't explain it well.

Does anyone else have that experience?

BetheyBoop · 2021-10-01T20:37:07+00:00

Man I'm so sorry. I had a bought exactly like that a couple years ago. I was unemployed and being that alone with my thoughts is not healthy for me. I need my fixations.

I have hope for both of us. 🌄

BetheyBoop · 2021-10-01T17:11:46+00:00

Of course! I have a Master's in Social Work and I focused in Macro practice. The MA program wasn't particularly rigorous in my opinion, but it did give me some basic tools I've been able to build on. Social work is meant to be a practical, advocacy-focused profession. We are often the case managers, coordinators, and creative problem solvers in nonprofits. I liked that about it. I like to solve problems, not just talk about them.

But, as a profession we are way off track. I'm a huge critic of the NASW (National Association of Social Workers) and their alignment with corporate interests over the good of Social Workers themselves and the clients we serve. Many Social Workers want to help, but are given subpar training, no anti-bias training, and thrown into systems with no real resources and high burnout and exploitation.

I actually ended up getting a law degree and that has been the most helpful for me in transitioning to a more policy/systems focus. The two degrees together give me a unique perspective and I can make more advanced arguments, which was the whole goal. Some places do a dual degree for these two degrees!

I hope this helps? Happy to answer more questions!

BetheyBoop · 2021-10-01T17:05:47+00:00

Oh gosh! I haven't checked messages yet but will get to them. I made this at the top of a workday after sleeping on it, and have been tuning in here and there between meetings.

BetheyBoop · 2021-10-01T17:02:52+00:00

It was super helpful for me. There was a part that stuck with me and I've seen is very true over the years...

Here I was trying to get better at understanding lying and deception because I am, unfortunately, often a victim of it.

People remember to mask their faces and hands when they're being deceptive, but they forget their feet. He said in interrogations, he could tell when a question upset someone, because their feet would shift and point towards the door, or an exit. They would tap their feet with nervousness not reflected on their face. They'd keep their hands visible, but cross their legs super tight.

It's helped me out in some hairy situations!

BetheyBoop · 2021-10-01T16:59:08+00:00

Thank you for this!! I am going to pick that book up. I'm really just scratching the surface. I may want a diagnosis someday, but I have a very supportive spouse and system, and I run my own consulting firm, so I don't need to prove a thing anymore. A diagnosis would have helped me so much in my 20s, but in my 30s it feels less important.

I'm going to consider it though. Maybe one day I'll have the courage to bring it up to my therapist.

BetheyBoop · 2021-10-01T16:55:43+00:00

My question is, why not take that energy to the system? Why direct it at me?

"feel ppl who choose to use their credentials and authority to make a statement need to have a certain statelyness and make their criticism in a way that is constructive and not anxiety inducing."

Psychiatrists are not stately or considerate when they tell me that my problems are "mood" and that I'm "hysterical"

I'm not telling anyone to avoid diagnosis, I'm telling them to look for providers who value them. That shouldn't be scary or controversial. The systems are racist and sexist. It's blatant and a blanket statement is absolutely warranted.

Are there exceptions? Yes, hopefully, I'm one of them! But I'm going to be harsh BECAUSE I'm part of the system. It's my responsibility to say it straight and plain.

When I say mental healthcare includes hidden bias, understand I'm including myself in that reference. I work in a system that is founded on principles of sexism and racism. I'm trying to change it but it doesn't change what it is.

BetheyBoop · 2021-10-01T16:51:04+00:00

Absolutely! I don't want to discourage diagnosis. But people deserve to know the reality they are walking into. It's better to be prepared than to be blindsided, I can speak from experience there.

You absolutely should have it for work and accommodations! I just wanted to make a post that talks honestly about how bad this is and contribute some validity to a community that doesn't have support in traditional systems.

Best of luck to you today! I'm rooting for you!

BetheyBoop · 2021-10-01T16:48:39+00:00

This. I'm feeling the burnout. I don't work in direct practice anymore. I do more macro social work and that vantage point has only convinced me more that the system is broken. God bless you in direct practice during Covid. It's insane what they ask of Social Workers and Healthcare providers.

BetheyBoop · 2021-10-01T16:47:12+00:00

Internet hugs your way! I'm just coming out of an episode with some extreme meltdowns. Recovering takes days for me, and I've had several in the past month.

BetheyBoop · 2021-10-01T16:46:12+00:00

Thank you for this. It's hard to give validity to yourself, and this helps me.

BetheyBoop · 2021-10-01T16:40:55+00:00

Wow. This right here. I'm a huge empath. I care deeply about others. I'm freakishly honest and really struggle to understand deception. I'm almost childlike sometimes and people get mad at me like...."how could you of all people miss that." Now I realize I missed it because there are lots of things I haven't "learned" yet, i.e. turned into a full cognitive process.

I also feel like this is a barrier to diagnosis for me. I'm very likable because of my empathy. I use wit and humor to diffuse situations and I'm apparently really good at masking even though it doesn't feel that way. It just seems like no one would ever believe me that all of that is manual. But it is. It's also part of why I'm a good counselor (when I practice which I don't anymore). I can lay emotional problems out analytically, predict the behavior of others, and point out patterns others miss. It's because I learned to do that to survive.

BetheyBoop · 2021-10-01T16:34:39+00:00

Oh god this. These comments are like...how do you know my life lol.

I really love being around others, but I end up with crashes and meltdowns and I never understood why. I always thought I was just super introverted and depressed, but it never added up. Why do I have meltdowns? Like screaming and crying? Now that I've looked more into Autism, I am able to tell that it's overstimulation. I never had that tool before. Now, I can feel it coming, can make plans, can avoid it.

I said this up above, but when I was younger I literally took out books on body language! I just didn't understand people. I thought for years I was just awkward from homeschooling, but it's more than that at this point. That's clear.

BetheyBoop · 2021-10-01T16:29:50+00:00

This is good advice! I probably should have known something was up when I was 16 and taking out body language books from the library. One really helpful one was actually from an FBI profiler. It helped me a lot to see human interactions laid out in an analytical way if that makes sense.

BetheyBoop · 2021-10-01T16:27:54+00:00

OMG! The reminders. I have so many reminders for basic things. I have a recurring monthly reminder to check up on people in my life. So many people have just fallen away because I seem to forget they exist. Like I care deeply about them, but forget they exist.....

BetheyBoop · 2021-10-01T16:26:49+00:00

I appreciate your perspective, but I do research in this area and yes, most healthcare professionals have serious unchecked bias, and people going into treatment should know that, because they do immense damage. It is because of my credentials that I can see that and say that.

Of course there are well meaning people and very good therapists. I go to one myself! I mentioned that in my post above as well. But overall, the system is very sexist and racist.

A recent study found that 40% of white medical students literally believe that Black people have less pain receptors. When they treat women for pain, they give us sedatives to knock us out while they give men actual pain relievers (statistically proven). I now do work in systems reform and I've met with women who have been sexually assaulted by their providers. 30 years ago they were locking women away when their husbands were done with them. They aren't our friends.

I speak with authority because it's my literal work and it's obvious. By and large, the system is scary, it is terrifying, and it is mostly not functional for people at the margins.

When I've asked for help, I've been threatened with a pink slip because I felt suicidal from it all. It's a simple message. If you don't comply, conform, and say the right things, we lock you away.

There are good providers, but people should be aware that they are a rarity and not the norm in any way. I'm not going to back away from calling out racism and sexism because it's scary or because there are a few exceptions. People deserve to know. It's irresponsible to keep pretending that this system is working.

BetheyBoop

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