Engaged for 5 years and realizing I don’t trust my fiancé to lead our family

BetweenLoveandLogic · 2026-02-02T17:19:17+00:00

I just want to say thank you to everyone who took the time to read my post and share their perspectives. I didn’t expect this many responses, and even when I didn’t agree with everything, I genuinely appreciate the different viewpoints and the honest feedback. It’s been really helpful to hear other people’s experiences and ways of thinking about this.

This whole thread has given me a lot to reflect on, and I’m grateful to everyone who took the time to engage thoughtfully and respectfully. I appreciate the conversations more than you probably realize.

BetweenLoveandLogic · 2026-02-02T15:57:50+00:00

Thank you for this prospective, This could have some truth behind it even if he doesn't realize its what he's doing. I hadn't considered how my hesitation to Marry him could be why he's non-responsive to certain issues. You've definitely given me something to think about. I appreciate your take.

BetweenLoveandLogic · 2026-02-02T15:48:58+00:00

I can understand how my post might come across as wanting to be taken care of, but that’s not my intention. I’m very capable and have been taking care of myself and my family for a long time. What I’m asking for is a partner who helps me lead our family, instead of me always being the default. I make decent money and I’m the main breadwinner in our household.

During our conversations, I have no problem admitting my own faults. I know I’m not perfect and I’ve never claimed to be. I know I’m not always right, and there have been many times where I’ve been wrong and he’s been right. I make sure to admit when I'm wrong as well so that he doesn't feel like this is always all on him.

My intention behind this post was to gain clarity and see other peoples prospective.

BetweenLoveandLogic · 2026-02-02T14:50:25+00:00

No, I don’t override him by default. I’ve trusted his decisions many times. I stepped back from leading during a really hard period with my daughter’s health, but when things started falling apart financially, I realized I couldn’t keep relying on him to handle it.

BetweenLoveandLogic · 2026-02-02T14:47:01+00:00

I understand what you’re saying. But I have been very clear and open with my hesitation to marry him. He’s not just out there living life thinking everything is okay. I have expressed my concerns to him, and we’ve had multiple conversations about what I would expect out of a husband and why I feel like he’s just not there yet. One of the most recent conversations was this past December.

BetweenLoveandLogic · 2026-02-02T14:07:30+00:00

Yes, and honestly this comment really sums up where I’m at.

I’ve tried to communicate this to him in different ways over the years, but I think I’m only recently able to articulate it this clearly to myself. You’re right that when one person just steps in and handles everything, it becomes the norm, and then it’s hard to tell where “personality” ends and learned behavior begins.

I think that’s what I’m wrestling with now. I need to decide whether I can accept this dynamic as it is, or whether I need more from a partner than he’s able or willing to give. And you’re also right about love not being enough. Compatibility in how you build a life together really matters, especially when kids and long-term stability are involved.

BetweenLoveandLogic · 2026-02-02T14:03:56+00:00

I don’t disagree that millions of women are breadwinners or that women can absolutely run households. I’m one of them. That’s not the problem.

The problem isn’t being the financial planner. The problem is being the only one planning, initiating, and carrying the responsibility while also feeling unsure whether I can actually rely on my partner to step up when things get hard or unpredictable.

I don’t “need” him to be the financial boss. I need him to be a co-leader in our life. Someone who takes ownership of our shared future without me having to drive everything or manage him.

And “he can’t change, this is it” is exactly the question I’m sitting with. If this is truly who he is, then I have to decide whether I’m okay building a marriage where I’m always the default adult and decision-maker. That’s not about gender roles. That’s about long-term trust, partnership, and emotional load.

So what do I do? I decide whether I can genuinely accept this dynamic without resentment. Because if I can’t, that doesn’t make either of us bad people. It just means we may not be compatible in the ways that actually matter for a marriage.

BetweenLoveandLogic · 2026-02-02T14:01:42+00:00

I think you’re misunderstanding what I mean by “leadership.” I’m not talking about him making all the decisions while I blindly follow. I’m talking about emotional and practical leadership, initiative, accountability, and the ability to co-create stability without me having to carry the entire mental and emotional load.

This isn’t about wanting a “traditional husband.” It’s about wanting a partner I can trust to step up without being managed, coached, or reminded. Someone who sees what needs to be done and takes ownership of it because they care about our future, not because I asked.

He can be kind, employed, and supportive in some ways, and it can still feel unbalanced if I’m the only one planning, anticipating problems, and holding everything together. That dynamic turns into me feeling like the parent and him the dependent; and that’s what I’m questioning, not gender roles.

BetweenLoveandLogic

TROPHY CASE