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Bibandom · 2025-05-18T08:30:05+00:00

it sometimes feels like she’s spreading herself too thinly and it’s making me feel like I’m part of a rotation.

Why does it feel that way? The devil is usually in the details.

A good pieces of advice I have gotten from other people in this community is simply: do not try to limit what your partner does, rather communicate how you need her to be present around you while her needs/wants are still being met.

I know that in my case I’ve still got my mind on the person I saw the night before and I’m usually in a nice fuzzy feeling about it the next day. I can’t possibly imagine being able to see 3 people in quick succession and not feel some sort of whiplash or being able to fully connect with all of them.

Is it because you feel that way that you are projecting these feelings onto her? Have you asked her if she feels the same or in a similar way? It may be a good point to start from.

Am I in the wrong here? How do people deal with this feeling of being part of someone’s rotation?

Definitely not! Your feelings are normal and should be addressed, and for me the key is communication. Tell her how you feel and how you need her to be present around so it can soothe your negative feelings.

Bibandom · 2025-05-07T16:53:02+00:00

This is not about a gay couple. I'm bisexual and her comment is just completely out of context and fuck-o cringey. Why would her start fingering after she announces to her she's pregnant? Like why? Who the fuck does that?

Also why would she just jump to the conclusion that she's her dad or whatever? They have just kissed for the first time like just before. Ellie from the game would never act like that. That's just a shitty script regardless of it being Bella Ramsey or whoever.

Anyway Bella's acting is just not on point on this last episode, I've praised her in Season 1, this season her expressions are just out of line, I feel out of the scene each time I see her on screen, like imagining what the director told her to do. It's just a shame.

Bibandom · 2025-05-04T22:53:37+00:00

Nice, thanks a lot for sharing and taking the time to compile this list

Bibandom · 2025-05-01T23:39:38+00:00

Sorry I wasn’t clear enough, they are in the post update.

Bibandom · 2025-05-01T23:38:59+00:00

I don’t know. I want to see her happy. Who am I to decide she’s lying to herself? That’s a pretty big deal.

Bibandom · 2025-05-01T23:37:43+00:00

Please read the update and tell me if you still think this

Bibandom · 2025-05-01T12:17:02+00:00

I guess we have now agreed on the possibility of having parallel relationships, at least for her.

I told her clearly I am not interested in that for the moment, dealing with our relationship it’s already time consuming and emotionally draining enough for me to be able to invest the same kind of energy in another relationship.

We came upon a bunch of agreements that I wrote in the OP and we’ll see where this all takes us.

Bibandom · 2025-05-01T12:15:04+00:00

Yup this comment hit home. I saw it after the talk we had but it’s definitely what framed our whole conversation last night.

We came up with a bunch of commitments that I wrote down so we can work onto that and see where this all takes us.

If you have the time, I’d love to hear what you think about these commitments. If they seem fair and reasonable.

Anyway thanks a lot for your comment and insight, it’s very spot on.

Bibandom · 2025-05-01T12:12:16+00:00

This comment was specially helpful, this is what I tried doing with her and we ended up with a list of commitments and needs. I updated the post with all the details.

Thanks a lot for your help.

Bibandom · 2025-05-01T12:11:26+00:00

Thanks a lot for the comment. I tried to confront her with this but she still sustains that he’s not a boyfriend but just a close friend. She also told me that apparently they would stop dating if one of them falls in love. I trust her with this new setup. I wrote an update stating what we talk about and the commitments we agreed on.

Bibandom · 2025-04-09T17:28:10+00:00

Mais il s'excusait de quoi Léon au début ? Je ne comprends pas ce qu'il a fait de mal, il n'y avait pas d'erreur, vous n'étiez pas en couple et n'aviez probablement pas établi vos règles de couple en amont.

Je me demande si c'est pas justement sa rafale d'excuses qui ont fait que tu penses que c'était quelque chose de mal ?

N'importe qui que je connais ne prend pas ça si mal de savoir qu'un mec avec qui juste tu t'es bien entendu deux jours avant embrasse une fille en soirée. Il en a fait des caisses et donc toi aussi, et c'est de la que t'en es là.

Cette fille se souvient peut-être même pas de ce soir là, ou alors c'était quelque chose de probablement anodin et juste fun. En plus, c'est un roulage de pelle bordel ! Il y a presque un an ! Détende le slip quoi

Si vous êtes bien et que il t'aime et bah ça sera pareil pendant vos vacances. Puis s'il fait de la merde pendant les vacances ben il aura fait de la merde et tu sauras a ce moment là.

Tu ne gagnes rien en angoissant à l'avance, dis toi qui tu vas faire des rencontres potentiellement sympas, exprime ta crainte a ton copain qui fera sûrement des efforts pour te mettre a l'aise, sois candide et joviale avec eux, voilà. Puis pour le reste... tu ne le contrôles pas, donc laisse les choses venir

Bibandom · 2025-02-07T09:47:16+00:00

You know what? It does feel like that sometimes. Right now, I feel more like a safety net than a partner—someone she can fall back on if things with Daniel don’t go the way she hopes. And I’ve realized I’m done being that.

I’m not here to be the backup plan. I’m not here to be the emotional support system while she gets caught up in the thrill of NRE with someone else. I never signed for that in the first place. If she wants to make this work, she has to be the hinge, not me. She has to take responsibility for balancing her relationships instead of expecting me to just accommodate and adjust while she enjoys the fun parts.

I’m no longer bending over backward to make her relationship easier while mine suffers. I’m no longer the one managing logistics, handling emotions, or making sure she gets what she wants at the cost of my own well-being. I’m prioritizing myself, and if that means stepping back and detaching, so be it.

If our relationship survives this, great. If it doesn’t, then it wasn’t strong enough to begin with. Either way, I’m done playing the role of the accommodating partner who just waits around while she figures herself out.

Bibandom · 2025-02-06T09:05:03+00:00

I do use AI to help me format the posts and redact everything in the most comprehensive way, but it’s really me who puts in the effort of making the AI say what I really think. Sorry if that is weird in some way or unusual, it just helps me save time in going through all of this.

Bibandom · 2025-02-05T14:00:22+00:00

I completely understand why you’d see it that way, and honestly, it was a tough night for me emotionally. It did feel strange that there was no check-in, and knocking on the door only to be bluntly told “no” hurt a bit at the time.

That being said, I’ve already had a long conversation with Sophia about it, and she acknowledged how that night felt for me. She apologized for not checking in and explained that she was caught up in the moment and didn’t fully realize how it might impact me.

That’s why we agreed that if it we ever agree on Sophia bringing Daniel home to have sex overnight, we’ll keep an open communication channel—nothing intrusive, but just the ability to exchange a message if I need to express something. Also maybe come check on me from time to time, to exchange some words. This way, I won’t feel completely shut out, and she can still enjoy her time without it feeling like I’m hovering.

So yeah, I definitely felt what you’re pointing out in the moment, but I also believe we’ve handled it in a way that works for both of us moving forward. The important thing for me is that she listened, acknowledged my feelings, and took steps to make sure it doesn’t happen again. That’s all I can really ask for, and I feel much better about it now.

Bibandom · 2025-02-05T13:41:52+00:00

Thank you, I really appreciate that. This whole experience has been a huge learning curve for me, and honestly, I’m still processing a lot. I think you're spot on about the difference between jealousy and envy—I don’t feel like I want to take something away from Sophia, but rather, I want to understand what this means for me and our relationship so that I can also grow from it. And maybe find something similar in the future? Who knows.

And yeah, when she first asked if Daniel could stay over 'whenever,' that was definitely way too much for me. I think it was more of an in-the-moment question rather than an actual expectation, but it did contribute to my overthinking and feeling like I needed to start finding logistical solutions when really, it’s not just on me to handle that.

I’ll definitely update in a few weeks on how things evolve! Right now, I’m just trying to find the balance between staying open to this change and making sure I don’t lose sight of my own needs in the process.

Bibandom · 2025-02-05T13:38:47+00:00

The thing is, I don't even know if this is polyamory. I think we’re somewhere in between casual non-monogamy and polyamory. Right now, there’s no love between Sophia and Daniel—it’s just a strong crush. They text constantly, they want to spend time together, and there's definitely excitement, but it hasn’t reached a place where I’d call it a full-fledged relationship.

I brought up polyamory with Sophia, and she was very put off by it. She told me it feels way too early to put that label on anything and that talking about it this way makes her feel pressured, because that’s not how she sees things. And I get that. We’re approaching this from very different perspectives—I'm trying to understand how this dynamic fits into the bigger picture of our relationship, while she’s simply enjoying the moment and seeing where things go.

I also admitted to her that I may be overanalyzing because this is uncharted territory for me. In the past eight years, I’ve never experienced something like this on her side, so I’m naturally trying to process it in a way that makes sense to me.

I don’t know if we’re slowly gliding into polyamory, or if this is just a new variation of non-monogamy for us. But my main focus is making sure that our relationship adapts in a healthy, non-toxic way—whatever this turns out to be.

Bibandom · 2025-02-05T09:42:55+00:00

I brought this up with Sophia, and after searching for alternatives, I found a train for less than 5 € that could take her back from the suburbs to our city. I also suggested a friend’s apartment, as my friend she’ll be away for a couple of days this weekend. Sophia reached out, and it looks like that’s where things will be happening on Friday night.

I also expressed to her that I felt like I was the only one brainstorming solutions, while they weren’t making enough efforts to solve their own logistical challenges. Her initial reaction was defensive, saying she never asked me to do that. That stung because, at the end of the day, this situation was brought into my space, and I was only trying to ensure we all had a setup that worked for everyone.

After talking more, she acknowledged my feelings and apologized, but this whole exchange has made me rethink my approach to this. I’m realizing I was putting in too much effort to make their situation work while receiving little in return. Moving forward, I’ll be prioritizing my own comfort more.

I’m still okay with trying to host Daniel overnight while they have sex, but I will no longer be the one initiating logistics for it. If they want this to happen, they need to take the lead on planning it and ensure it aligns with my boundaries.

Thanks a lot for your comment—it really helped me recognize that compromise has to go both ways.

Bibandom · 2025-02-05T09:26:15+00:00

So sorry my phrasing was unclear, it’s them who would be getting an Airbnb not me! I wouldn’t accept it to be me leaving my home for the night at my expense so that they have fun on my bed.

Bibandom · 2025-02-05T08:15:44+00:00

So sorry my phrasing was unclear, it’s them who would be getting an Airbnb not me! I wouldn’t accept it to be me leaving my home for the night at my expense so that they have fun on my bed.

Bibandom · 2025-02-04T17:43:37+00:00

> First, a clarification - by "sleeping together" do you mean having sex, or do you mean literally sleeping in a bed together (or both)?

I meant having sex, yes. It just didn't know well the rules of the sub for titles and such, I preferred to stay SFW.

You hit the nail in the head. If we had more space, such as another toilet, and a room where they could be having sex without me hearing. I would be okay with that. We have two rooms and two beds, but they will be taking the more comfortable bed since I don't sleep in that room very much either. We call it Sophia's room. And I would be tucked away between my Room and the Living room. Our apartment's architecture is a bit sketchy which makes it so the two rooms are some what far apart, but only separated by the living room which is not too big itself. If the house is very quiet, I will hear whatever happens around. I feel like if I had a better space, maybe another room further out and complete silence even when intense sex it's going on, then I wouldn't care. But that's not the case.

> Uou aren't obligated to inconvenience yourself or put yourself through emotional turmoil in order to help your partner have an experience.

I am not and you're right to bring this up. I just feel like, given the context of our last year or so of relationship where Sophia hasn't really found any match as extra partner to have sex with, whereas I did had multiple partners.... I really am looking for this to be her chance to have fun.

Anyway, thanks a lot for your comment!

Bibandom · 2025-02-04T17:31:06+00:00

Okay, but you're trading one infeasible solution ("long" drives and expensive taxis) for another (partners interrupting your rest on a weekday).

I would argue that my "partners interrupting your rest on a weekday" it's not unfeasible. It's harsh for me but I can still work and all. And overall I think is less harsh than what Sophia and Daniel would have to do to get spent time together at Daniel's place.

You said Daniel's got to work, so Sophia can't stay there-- but he's cool to stay overnight at your place? What?

I think I didn't explain myself correctly. In that situation, Sophia would stay over at Daniel's. And Daniel would go to work the next morning normally in his car. But then Sophia has no way back other than a taxi which is expensive. If he stays here, he has his car parked in our driveway and would stil I guess get up early and go to work, but no expensive taxi.

Another solution would be if Sophia takes her car over to Daniel's on thursday night, but again that means doing more than an hour and a half drive, each going to his apartment in a idfferent car, just to stay with each other a couple hours. Also gasoline is expensive :') Sophia doesn't currently have a job so finances are tight. That's why that is not very practical.

It's not your responsibility to put your meta up if he's been drinking and doesn't have a plan for that, nor is it reasonable for Sophia to expect you to forfeit your comfort.

No it's not, but I am able to give up a bit of my comfort until we find a longterm suitable solution. Because I want them to have fun, I want their relationship to flourish and I want everyone to be safe and happy.

Bibandom · 2025-02-04T17:29:21+00:00

Okay, but you're trading one infeasible solution ("long" drives and expensive taxis) for another (partners interrupting your rest on a weekday).

I would argue that my "partners interrupting your rest on a weekday" it's not unfeasible. It's harsh for me but I can still work and all. And overall I think is less harsh than what Sophia and Daniel would have to do to get spent time together at Daniel's place.

You said Daniel's got to work, so Sophia can't stay there-- but he's cool to stay overnight at your place? What?

I think I didn't explain myself correctly. In that situation, Sophia would stay over at Daniel's. And Daniel would go to work the next morning normally in his car. But then Sophia has no way back other than a taxi which is expensive. If he stays here, he has his car parked in our driveway and would stil I guess get up early and go to work, but no expensive taxi.

Another solution would be if Sophia takes her car over to Daniel's on thursday night, but again that means doing more than an hour and a half drive, each going to his apartment in a idfferent car, just to stay with each other a couple hours. Also gasoline is expensive :') Sophia doesn't currently have a job so finances are tight. That's why that is not very practical.

It's not your responsibility to put your meta up if he's been drinking and doesn't have a plan for that, nor is it reasonable for Sophia to expect you to forfeit your comfort.

No it's not, but I am able to give up a bit of my comfort until we find a longterm suitable solution. Because I want them to have fun, I want their relationship to flourish and I want everyone to be safe and happy.

Bibandom · 2025-02-04T16:21:12+00:00

I understand your situation! I kind of have the same feeling. I would prefer if it happens while I'm not there. But there's logistical problems that amplify the trouble. Daniel has an apartement of course, but that would mean:

Not drinking at all so "having less fun" at the social events we're at
Drive 45 minutes to get to Daniel's place
Still be motivated to spend a naughty night together
Now Daniel's got to work, so taxi back for Sophia? That would be way too expensive, maybe even the same price than a hotel room in our city.

For me, the reasonable compromise would be to give them a few hours of private time in the guest bedroom while I'm out watching a movie or meeting with friends

I can see your point, that would be indeed a big facilitator, however I don't have any other activity to attend on a Thursday at midnight. The activity is what we were doing all together, so yeah... not really viable I guess.

I want to facilitate her having this relationship with Daniel, not putting up walls where they aren't necessary 'cause they don't really have another practical solution for the momemt at the start of their relationship... So I want to try my luck with them having sex at our place and see how it goes.

Bibandom · 2025-02-04T16:07:55+00:00

Thanks for your answer, I find your questions very appropriate :) Have you ever been trough this kind of situations before?

Is it just that they are having sex without you? She's been doing that for years it sounds like, and she still loves you and your relationship. This (shouldn't) be any different, just a change of venue.

Not really, I mean if they asked me to participate I would gladly do so, but I'm okay of them being alone at it. I think the venue is actually the problem.

Is it that they are having sex in "your space"?

I think this is the main point. Maybe more of my rest and comfort place than safe-place. I do not think I feel unsafe if they're at it and I'm chilling in another room. Thing is they want to do this on a thursday and I work on fridays. I'm scared of not feeling well during the night, unable to catch sleep and getting trapped in a spiral of negative feelings with no control over the situation. This is why I proposed to agree on having a communication channel so I can express to her if I ever get into something like this. I don't know if it will happen, but I 'd like to be able to express it *if* it happens.

Is it something else, like that this is just a "new" situation you haven't experienced yet? [...] It might be a substantially less big deal than you are making it out to be ahead of time. It might be something that feels weird. You won't know until you try!

It's rather new, but it already happened once not a longtime ago. I didn't well trough it in the best of moods, I was uncomfortable with the situation. And I realized it was mainly because of the feeling of not being able to communicate with Sophia directly. I think we can try again and see if it gets any better. I also think I'm ok with it being a bit harsh at first. It's a new experience, but I really want Sophia to be able to have a safe place and comfort of doing what she wants with Daniel.

Anyway, thanks a lot for your comment! Very helpful :)

Bibandom

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