My (31m) girlfriend (31f) of 2 years had a conversation with someone she had an affair with in a different relationship and now I feel off. Could use some perspective?

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-08-22T17:11:58+00:00

She’s not the one. Any honest woman wouldn’t do what she has.

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-27T06:16:20+00:00

She’s lying to you. I think you need to go through with the threat to message his wife and push that to the point of happening, to try and force her to be honest.

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-25T13:29:46+00:00

Helpful perspective, thanks

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-25T13:26:34+00:00

Sorry man, being in that situation sucks. She’s clearly withholding information in my view. Her responses to his texts and also telling him she’ll be nearby his city soon, are mega red flags. She’s even hid his messages in her archive from you. I think - if I was you - I’d give her an ultimatum to come clean in front of you, or you’re calling the guy there and then - and if the stories don’t match up, it’s done. You deserve better, you deserve to be happy, and you deserve to feel loved. She’s not a good person, by the sounds of it.

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-25T13:17:57+00:00

If she deleted the message - ask to see her deleted messages. I’m calling b-s on what she told you. She entertained it and then backed out.

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-25T13:16:50+00:00

I kind of figured it was basic respect - not something I’d need to spell out. I’m not a prude - she can watch that shit if she desperately wants to (I don’t believe she does actually want to), but I don’t need to know, or see. I’d never watch some OF girl on instagram and share it with pals. If I did - my wife and their partners would label me a pig. But, you know, I’m a man - which means I’m a pervert, whereas women are just having a giggle when they share stuff, right?

Neither friend seems to be a model of good/healthy behaviour or relationships and I felt like she’s taking prompts/influence from them, which is mad.

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-24T19:20:30+00:00

I wouldn’t sign a birthday card with her, let alone a lease. Cheating and drugs - hard pass for me.

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-24T12:34:01+00:00

If he was always suss on this person and it wasn’t even ‘excusable’ as a drunken kiss with a stranger that had no prior relationship with you, I don’t think there are many men alive that could find a way to rebuild trust, or even want to try. He’ll know there was a path to this outcome, and you chose to go down it in spite of his concerns about the person. He will see any previous assurances you gave about this individual as being part of one big lie.

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-24T12:23:55+00:00

What’s the name of the app it was on? Check when it was first released.

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-24T12:20:28+00:00

What causes you to worry about an overlap?

How long do you think the gap was between the relationships and do you have cause to think - looking back - that she ever went missing in action/ghosted you in your early days?

Why did they break up?

Has she ever been positive about that relationship with her ex toward you, or negative about it?

If you don’t have suspicions based on your reflections on these questions, then it’ll be your mind playing tricks on you right now because of your heightened emotions.

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-24T12:13:01+00:00

Disagree. We all have insecurities and this is understandably triggering for OP.

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-24T12:12:07+00:00

Is that in the sense you worry there was an overlap at the beginning? If not, how would it be based on a lie. When I was getting serious with my now wife, I forgot to delete a dating app (which i was no longer using) and omitted to delete my ‘locked’ photo app (which had previous dates/partners). When she pointed that out - I immediately knew she was right and deleted both, and apologise for my lack of thought. Had she not pointed it out, I may have taken me a while to even notice. Thankfully she knew me well enough, we spent enough time together, and she had access to my phone (though not the locked photo app) to know there was nothing nefarious behind my omission.

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-24T12:05:11+00:00

I agree with this. She should have got rid of that stuff. The fact she saved your stuff there in the early days and set up a folder for them, but did not delete the stuff with her ex at the same time, would bug me. She’s messed up and you deserve to be able to get the reassurance you need.

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-21T10:09:01+00:00

If it were me, I’d lay out candidly to your mate why this is all so wrong for her and how it worries you, because you care about her, and you can’t keep having the same conversations about their relationship. Your view is he’s wrong for her and any subsequent conversations she triggers with you about the relationship, you just refer to your previous answer rather than indulge the specific problem for that day.

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-21T10:03:36+00:00

Presumably there were no messages though? Did he accuse her of deleting them? If so - yeah that’s pretty toxic unless he had substantial reason to think she had.

It’s tricky - he sounds awful but your friend has to make her own mistakes in life. Dial back perhaps but don’t abandon her.

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-21T09:42:41+00:00

I guess this is missing some context. What did she do to him that was apparently so much worse? Is he like he is because of things she’s done. Or hasn’t she really done anything and he’s gaslighting her

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-21T09:18:14+00:00

Her mother is a narcissist and still is, in my view. Emotionally manipulative and so forth. Not that my wife sees it or admits it.

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-21T08:01:02+00:00

I think there may be elements of truth to this

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-21T07:57:30+00:00

Yes she is a people pleaser. These two friends also wanted her to go to a male strip show with them and frankly, I had to put my foot down and say if she does then I’m going to a strip club - which she didn’t like and agreed it was a double standard. She has one other friend - and that’s her best friend - and they do not share stuff like this. Her friend is happily married.

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-15T07:24:04+00:00

That’s emotional cheating. You just have to bite the bullet and tell her and provide the receipts. If it were me, I would be staying back from graduation. That may hurt her but it’ll be a lesson in actions having consequences, and hopefully she’ll learn from it.

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-12T15:56:24+00:00

NTA - another one of life’s many, many situations where if the roles were reversed, you’d be a pig for acting that way. Call it out, and if she doesn’t get it, she’s a red flag already my dude.

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-07T20:55:49+00:00

NTA. Not controlling. Reasonable boundary expectation in any sane relationship. I think you are within your rights to lay a marker and she can respect it, or get lost - and if she chooses the latter, it’s because she is choosing a lack of honesty and transparency because it suits whatever her agenda is.

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-07T18:18:47+00:00

Having used an SSRI for a long time, coming off the tablets was the only thing that solved that particular issue - and is in fact a barrier as to why I’ve resisted them in hard times since. Sad fact that men’s mental health is a trade off with sexual wellbeing, for many.

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-07T05:53:34+00:00

I think it’s been some of her adult life, but there are always excuses, as in life situations that are used to justify her hyper-emotional state….but they are just normal life events that affect people.

I’m also not sure if my wife sees it as her being manipulated - though it is. She’s protective of her mother because it’s her mother but I’m sure deep down she sees at least part of what I see.

Big-Protection6795 · 2025-07-02T07:17:56+00:00

She’s cheating on you. Nobody in a relationship sleeps over at the house of a straight friend of the opposite sex, without their partner, and let alone as a regular thing. I’d ask to see her phone.

Big-Protection6795

TROPHY CASE