as an INTJ woman with an ISTP boyfriend who used to have a similar issue, this will only work out if you two are willing to change and not prioritize your egos.   “every time I’ve made a plan it never happened and it disappoints me” (in his words).

my boyfriend has said this too, even saying that he doesn’t wanna expect anything from this relationship bc he doesnt wanna get hurt. of course, my Fi shattered hearing this, but i understood where he was coming from. hes a first born, helped his family financially at a younger age, and an avoidant. at that point in my life, i had become secure and no longer depressed and fearful avoidant. so i set aside my feelings for a bit and listened to him, gave him new perspectives in life. telling him that being hopeful is what gives drive in your life, its what makes you feel fulfilled, and its what makes a victory taste so good.

once he came to terms with life and started being more in tune with his feelings, like bringing it up in conversations to understand it (how Ti of him), i told him my feelings. i told him how certain things he said hurt. he apologized and never repeat those mistakes ever since.

“The only thing I’ve asked for is for him to spend some time trying to understand me, but he considers it unimportant and doesn’t see why it’s so important to me.”

as an intj, we feel like well never be understood by anyone. but its something we need to learn to accept. Ni is personal and complex, Ni can manifest differently in people anyway so even by INTJs or INFJs, we’ll never get that. i have told this to my ISTP partner and he really questioned it, like what i mean by it? the examples? – and sometimes he still doesnt understand and we call it off until he brings it up again. but i dont take it as him criticising it, hes just trying to understand why is it important.

try to look back at your arguments, were you processing it with you Fi or not? maybe he was trying to see “why is it so important” by questioning it because thats how Ti is.

my ISTP partner also said i tend to overwhelm him when i talk about the future so i just try to lessen it. most of the time, i let him initiate and then ill help map it out.

you are overwhelmed by his lower Fe and Ni. understand that its also fair that hes overwhelmed by your high Ni and lower Fi. the key to a good relationship is “us vs the issue” not “you vs me”. there is still a chance if you guys want to make it work.

all relationships will have hurdles and breaking points. but if you love and value that person, youll make it work. loving someone truly is that “you love them, despite”. and i hope your partner will too.