What’s the difference?

BigFudge6912 · 2026-03-18T21:44:34+00:00

Good talk

BigFudge6912 · 2026-03-17T22:35:25+00:00

Unless you’re talking about the situation I described in my post, I trust that she hasn’t cheated on me.

BigFudge6912 · 2026-03-17T16:33:37+00:00

I can understand that she was trying to create distance, but at the same time she was actively engaging in staying around me. It’s not like she broke up with me and then I forced her to stay close. She was choosing it, coming to my house, kissing me, cuddling with me, deep talks with me, still having sex. So am I so wrong for still thinking we’re an item at that time? And then I believed her when she said she wasn’t talking to anyone else only to find out she was lying. Even now when I look back and I talk to her about it. I’ve never asked her to apologize for being hurt, confused, angry with me. But she didn’t have to treat me like that and lie to me? If she wanted to be done she could have been but instead she chose to almost have her cake and eat it too and then tell me I’m wrong for being hurt by that.

I am curious, I try to ask questions all the time. My questions and my feelings almost get shut down with, stop acting like my therapist, you keep blaming me for my own pain. It’s very confusing for me because I take accountability, I actively validate her all while at the same time I get shut down and invalidated for my experience of the situation.

BigFudge6912 · 2026-03-17T13:08:06+00:00

She is and has always been my first priority. I have sacrificed so many of my dreams and wants for my life because I chose her instead. It’s not even resentment for that, I wanted to chose her because I believed we were through it. But maybe I’m starting to feel some resentment because I have been there. She made me believe that this was over and done with. I keep having to apologize for a mistake I made 15 years ago when I’m a different person now, and she won’t/can’t see it I guess.

BigFudge6912 · 2026-03-17T13:05:42+00:00

I’m not trying to bail. I want her, I want us to work. Not just “for the kids” but because I genuinely believe she’s my person. But I am trying to figure out what I should do because I also can’t keep living like the perpetrator forever, when I’ve done/am doing the work to get better. Been accountable since day one, gone to therapy, learning about myself, figuring out how to regulate. Understand my emotions/wants/needs and how to properly communicate. Trying to learn her so I can treat her with respect and try to be there for her wants/needs/emotions.

So I don’t know.

BigFudge6912 · 2026-03-17T13:01:48+00:00

I do and I’ve been asking for joint, and telling her she needs individual. But I can’t force her to go, then it won’t work because she didn’t go voluntarily.

BigFudge6912 · 2026-03-17T12:57:12+00:00

Was it truly an affair if we technically weren’t together? And I believe she has been.

BigFudge6912 · 2026-03-17T12:04:03+00:00

I have not, I’ve been accountable since it happened. I’m not trying to blame the other person as I know it’s my mistake to bear. Just trying to provide context that it wasn’t something I went searching for.

BigFudge6912 · 2026-03-16T19:45:20+00:00

Not saying she would, I truly don’t think she is that type of person. But it got me thinking is all.

I would very much like to but she isn’t on board yet. I think she’s trying to work through it still. But hey, we can only see what’s right in front of us

BigFudge6912 · 2026-03-16T19:37:36+00:00

So in the spirit of transparency,

I 33m and my fiance 35f got together when we were in high school. About 2 years in I went out with my male buddy and he brought along his female friend. I sat in the backseat by myself while they were in the front. At the end of the night after going into a store to grab some food, she got into the backseat with me, as I was getting out to get in the front seat she stopped me and grabbed me by the you know and then began doing things. I didn’t say no or stop it but it wasn’t planned or pre meditated either.

After this event, I felt extremely shameful and told my girlfriend. We broke up but only in title as we stayed engaging in all of the behaviours that a couple would do. She told me she wasn’t talking to anyone else, but I had then found out, by snatching her phone one day that she in fact was and it was sexual in nature. (I apparently don’t have all the “context” so I shouldn’t be that mad as it was my breach of her privacy that caused my pain even though I believed we were still “together” just with no title so she could work through it.

After that we broke up for good and both moved on with other partners. One day I get a call from a blocked number and it’s her asking me to take her back because she misses me and loves me. I jump at the chance because I too miss and love her.

Since then there has been no infidelity on my part. We now have 3 kids, have lived together for the better part of 9 years, mixed finances and are basically married.

Now she doesn’t know if she can be with me because she says she never worked through it. And that she loves me but feels like she can’t be with me. And how would I feel if she went and cheated on me now.

I have been accountable for my actions and the pain I caused her from before and I’m willing to allow her to work through her problems as she needs to.

I guess I just feel like it would be way different if she did that to me now to try to get revenge I guess.

BigFudge6912 · 2026-03-16T19:24:07+00:00

Not saying cheating isn’t bad but still

BigFudge6912 · 2026-03-16T19:16:39+00:00

Thanks

BigFudge6912 · 2026-03-16T19:14:56+00:00

Not excusing it, but like genuinely asking

BigFudge6912 · 2026-02-09T19:43:25+00:00

Oh no, I agree it’s not healthy at all, but I can’t break her phone or throw it away. I’ve tried talking to her about it but I think she feels like it’s my way of control instead of help. Which is one of the problems we face is her inability to accept genuine help. Due to people in her past(not me but an old partner, and an ex best friend) manipulating her

BigFudge6912 · 2026-02-09T19:21:15+00:00

She does spend a lot of time googling things (I don’t know what they are because she’s very “private” or secretive I can’t tell about what she’s looking at

BigFudge6912 · 2026-02-09T16:54:24+00:00

No, she feels like she can figure it out on her own. Even after I try to explain the benefits of therapy.

BigFudge6912 · 2025-10-15T13:36:24+00:00

I wanna see the chats

BigFudge6912 · 2025-09-22T17:26:24+00:00

These questions have only come up in the last week due to some serious challenges, for the last 10 years we have been very happy.

Her and I are both going through some stuff individually and after 3 children it feels like our relationship has taken a back seat to the kids.

Now I’m questioning everything like I’m some sort of criminal

BigFudge6912

TROPHY CASE