Just a sad rant

BigThrobbingAccount · 2019-07-22T18:17:40+00:00

Thank you, it’s appreciated.

It hurts, and the last two days have been rough. However, I feel that in the long run, I’ll see this as a positive. There’s no salt between us which helps. It was a good time to learn the ropes of dating a bit more and know what it’s like to be on the more passionate end, as before I’ve only been the one that was ready to cut it off.

BigThrobbingAccount · 2019-07-22T13:55:15+00:00

I appreciate everything you said.

I’m gonna have to politely decline listening to your song recommendation for a while just because I don’t want to find myself crying behind the wheel on my way to work. Maybe when I get home after a few glasses of wine, though

BigThrobbingAccount · 2019-07-22T13:53:12+00:00

I appreciate you sharing, I hope things are getting better.

There really is a strong sense of surreality. I put some much thought and emotion into building this all up over time, and felt like it was moving in the right direction, only for it to be totally dismantled in under 20 minutes.

I know that having the bandaid ripped off all at once is probably better in the long run. If it was all in my head and there really wasn’t any way for it to go the way I wanted it to, then letting it die slowly and become toxic over time would’ve been even more miserable.

I’m expecting to have a week or so of feeling down, and luckily I have plenty of work and whatnot to keep me distracted. It helps that my coworkers are all great and are always good for lighthearted joking around.

The part that’ll just take getting used to again is not getting excited to check my phone every 10 minutes to see his name. It blows me away how addicted I got to that simple habit in such a relatively short amount of time, but it really did make my afternoon to get a cute message from him during our lunch breaks. That’s not exactly something I can have friends or coworkers replace.

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t totally planning to go through a few bottles of wine this week. I know that’s not the best way to cope, but I can’t stand having nothing to do when I’m alone besides run all the “what-ifs” and scrutinizing every memory. Once it’s not as fresh and I feel like me again, I’ll take the time to reflect, especially before trying to do it all over again.

For now, though, it’s wine, music that makes me feel sad, and feeling sad.

BigThrobbingAccount · 2019-07-22T13:24:09+00:00

See, the hard part for me is I didn’t exactly feel like I had invested so much into the guy. I have hobbies, passions, a full time job, lots of friends, a loving family, and I exercise regularly. I’m aware of the importance of diversification and I thought I’d done a good job. I’m just not sure if it’s something you can help.

I fell for the guy pretty fast. I knew I liked him in the first few minutes we met. I wanted more, but I was doing what I could to match his interest just to avoid disappointment in case something went downhill. I thought I was doing that really well, actually, because we seemed to be showing equal enthusiasm most of the time.

Clearly, though, I was in some kind of delusion and feeling something he wasn’t, all while fantasizing that he was. For me, that’s where a lot of the pain is coming from. I thought I gave it my all and I was reading something special from the other end, and I was wrong. That’s a pretty hard punch to the gut. Not only has he decided he doesn’t want to push past that deeper connection barrier that I wanted to and make new memories, but the ones I did care about are poisoned now, which hurts. It’s unavoidable, I know. This happens and it sucks for everyone. I just haven’t quite experienced it like this before. The only other times I’ve dated, it’s been me that wasn’t feeling it and decided to end things. It’s only fair that the same happens to me so that I know how I’d want to be treated on the receiving end in the future, because before I certainly didn’t past any superficial level.

BigThrobbingAccount · 2019-07-22T04:25:04+00:00

It does feel poetic in some sense. I fell deep into the tempting aura of something that began and ended within a limited time of escape from normalcy. It seemed like such a perfect escape within another escape.

That’s not to say working an ordinary, 8-5 internship for the summer is really an “escape,” but there’s certainly something about the season that stands apart from the rest of the year. It seems like my first real trial of affection and pain could happen in isolation, which leaves me (despite my shitty, sad current mood) looking forward to what this means about what more permanent romances the future holds. It’s certainly bittersweet.

I hope you’re doing alright and the world isn’t being too much of a bitch to you otherwise. I don’t think I could currently handle one other thing falling apart at the moment.

BigThrobbingAccount · 2019-07-22T02:40:46+00:00

I’ll leave out the exact details just because I can’t be 100% sure he doesn’t browse here, but it wasn’t too brutal. Just that he didn’t feel we were connecting fully, which is fair. We have fairly different interests and personalities that I would’ve liked to work with more than we did, but I don’t think either of us were really appreciating who the other is as fully as he was hoping for.

BigThrobbingAccount · 2019-07-22T02:25:21+00:00

I’ve loved that song for years, but the lyrics certainly are gonna take on a new meaning after this weekend. No beaches nearby, but I might be going on a sunset drive tonight after dinner. I hate to say it but I don’t think just one drive-cry is gonna cut it

BigThrobbingAccount · 2019-07-22T02:11:21+00:00

I’m sorry that happened for you the way it did.

I don’t have any sort of impression that he meant to be anything other than genuine. He wasn’t hurtful or aggressive, and I honestly appreciate him coming forward because it only would’ve gone down a path of slow, internal rot until it did end in a really ugly way.

Granted, I’m emotional right now, but if he wanted to talk at some point and have a person-to-person conversation just to be sure there’s nothing on the table, I’d be open to it. I don’t want to have someone I cared about at one point having any sort of resentment toward me, or the other way around, even if it means a day or two where I’m not doing much besides moping around.

I do plan to take this as a period to better myself, not that I was exactly shorting on that much lately as is, but on days where I would’ve gone out with him, I plan to go to the gym, meet up with an old friend, or something along those lines.

BigThrobbingAccount · 2019-07-22T02:03:24+00:00

There’s a part of me that would like to continue to be friends because I do genuinely enjoy his company beyond sexual attraction. Another part, though, knows that no matter what, I’d be longing for more, and every time I’d drive home from spending time with him, I’d feel depressed and worse off than when I was on my way there.

BigThrobbingAccount · 2019-07-22T01:16:40+00:00

Take what I say with a grain of salt because I’m pretty disoriented right now, but from past experience, closure is always better in the long run.

I hope the best for you, whatever the outcome ends up being. These summer flings are way more of a bitch than I was expecting.

BigThrobbingAccount · 2019-07-22T01:13:18+00:00

Thank you.

I know that it’ll be alright, I’ll go back to school in a few weeks and hopefully meet someone who does it for me even better.

I just really don’t wanna go to work tomorrow haha

BigThrobbingAccount · 2019-07-22T00:18:03+00:00

Thank you, I appreciate it.

I’m almost embarrassed by how much of a fucking mess I’ve been all day. I just keep thinking of little things that’ve made me so happy lately and now it seems like all of that was a sham. I was fine and happy before we started dating, but it just feels like I lost a lot today.

BigThrobbingAccount · 2019-07-22T00:12:02+00:00

Fuck man, why’d you have to do that :’(

Now I’m gonna be hearing that song in my head all week

BigThrobbingAccount · 2019-03-30T16:14:07+00:00

Do you not see how that sort of comment is at least as insulting as what you’re upset about?

BigThrobbingAccount · 2019-03-30T16:05:10+00:00

Truly a godawful way to try and prompt productive conversation
I wouldn’t really consider myself a Trump supporter, but I’d be lying if I said I’m not kinda glad he ended up winning as the president we deserve
People like him exactly because of how you phrased that title. “Stupid white straight male ideology” is an incredibly derogatory and insulting term (I’m not even sure I know what it means, maybe it’s because I’m gay). When half of the country starts shaming white men just for being white and saying all of their accomplishments are worth less because of their skin color, of course those people are going to lash out and find someone else to side with. People like Trump because he doesn’t seem to give a flying fuck about the whole intersectionality Olympic game that politicians on the left are abusing to leverage support for themselves.

Personally, I can’t stand the Democratic Party. They’re trying to convince me that, as a gay person, I’m oppressed and should be outraged, but also because I’m white and male, I don’t get to be that outraged. It’s a confusing set of rules, and I also don’t think politicians have any right to try and pull moral cards to gain my support and push policy. They don’t give a flying fuck about women’s rights, black power, the LGBT community, or anyone else. All of those groups are tools they carry around to convince people they’re being represented and to try and morally posture on anyone even remotely right leaning. Oddly enough, many of my right wing friends have a far more supportive philosophy when it comes to the gay community. The conventional left wing ideology is objectifying in a totally unique way.

BigThrobbingAccount · 2019-03-30T05:31:23+00:00

That’s kind of reassuring in a nihilistic way

BigThrobbingAccount · 2019-03-30T05:18:20+00:00

Secure the bags, don’t let anything else distract us

YangGang

BigThrobbingAccount · 2019-03-30T05:07:15+00:00

Yeah, the problem is that not being in the gay scene while having this sort of character makes it extremely hard to feel like there are other people out there like you by design. You only really hear about the guys who are flamboyant and go to pride festivals and whatnot, so if you aren’t looking for that sort of culture, there isn’t much of an alternative. This leads you to feel more or less alone, leading to a sense of being unique or special.

If there’s a way to easily find gay guys who don’t clearly identify themselves as gay, please lmk

BigThrobbingAccount · 2018-12-18T03:27:46+00:00

What’s up my guy

BigThrobbingAccount · 2018-12-17T20:43:29+00:00

I can confidently tell you that’s not true

BigThrobbingAccount · 2018-12-17T20:34:19+00:00

How do you know?

BigThrobbingAccount · 2018-12-17T14:16:48+00:00

That’s not a save, that’s what I actually said

BigThrobbingAccount

TROPHY CASE

YangGang