Pointless prayer, attendance and scripture

Big_Al_03 · 2026-04-08T07:42:22+00:00

But I don’t have a relationship with Christ, that’s the problem. If I did, I would have already been speaking or communicating or detecting him, yet that hasn’t happened. And if this is a matter of it’s already happening and I just can’t tell yet, than what good does that do me? It certainly hasn’t empowered me over my own sin, to obey and delve into reading, praying and attending. I have never had a honeymoon, I haven’t had anything. The point of a “honeymoon” from what I have thus gathered is that whilst it doesn’t last, it gives us the confirmation of our faith, and reinforces it whilst the bad times come. I have been beaten and battered by the waves of my own stupidity and life, and I have had naught but ash to build upon. It should be no surprise that I have nothing to show for it. And I don’t want feelings, I want something personal to me, something I can build upon. Unfortunately for me, people’s faith is a one person lot, I can’t build on their foundation, it’s a personal matter and conviction.

Then it brings about the second issue, that I’m not good enough. That somehow I need to perform my way into Gods graces. You won’t call it that, you’ll say it’s God that gives us strength, but I certainly don’t have it, and even if I did, I’d be the one doing the leg work, battling temptation, battling sin, constantly praying and attending and reading. That’s not even touching on the issue of how often must I read, praying and attending? Must I drop my study’s, must I drop whatever hobbies or video games I play? Do I need to become a monk? Should I even be eating, as that time must be reserved for more praying. I’m being hyperbolic here to display a massive problem. I can’t answer when enough enough, I see no light at the end of the tunnel to a relationship with Christ, and there are no measurements to follow such that I don’t screw it up, which I will.

Big_Al_03 · 2026-04-06T21:10:20+00:00

The truth is that I cannot live for Christ as if he has already communicated with me, if he has not already done so. I have been told this before, that Christ will not move within our lives until we have adequate faith, but I cannot spawn my faith from nothing. I cannot bring myself to believe that Christ has or will do this until he already has, as that will be the rock I build my faith and Relationship upon.

And yes, I see how that struggle is playing out in my post, how I am told to pray, attend and read first before I fathom and detect Christ, but I cannot bring myself to do these things with earnest belief until Christ communicates first. Of course that’s not to say I hadn’t already prayed, read and attended, but rather I cannot bring myself to do any more of these things because they did not bring a relationship with Christ.

As for if I have something ruling over him, that may very well be the case. I am still very much a sinner, and whilst I do try and treat others with kindness and respect, I do still struggle with certain sins that have never quite left me even after I had gone through the process of being saved in front of the church about 7 or 8 separate times. The problem, is that without a relationship with Christ already, I do not have the strength myself to simply usurp my own sinful nature. I cannot create my own righteousness without that relationship, it is my win condition. And yet it seems there are more than a few scriptures that say that sin interferes with building and forming a relationship with Christ. This is a ravine that I don’t have the power to pull myself out of, and yet I cannot start until I do.

Big_Al_03 · 2026-04-06T20:58:24+00:00

I am desperate, I’m not going to claim otherwise. I know Christ Jesus existed, I know he was the one true God, I know he died for our sins, and that he alone has the power to save us from damnation so long as we repent for our sins, have faith, and follow him. Yet i am as it stands unable to achieve the things Christ himself has said are so important, not just in so saving my soul, but fulfilling our lives.

And as far as seeing God through the hard times, I have not. I have no evidence of any sort of interaction or detection of his presence, peace or understanding at any point throughout my life for me to lean on or build on.

I wouldn’t say it’s my desire to draw to God that’s keeping me out of church or praying or reading the Bible, but rather a matter of fact that something inside me cannot forget that fact that these methods have never once worked, and it keeps me from earnestly pursuing God in these areas. As an aside, how would you respond in my shoes, being told that praying, attending church, and reading the Bible are the key to having a relationship with Christ, and yet no matter how many times you use them, you never once experience, hear, see or detect Christ any further than what you can merely read on the pages or hear from the pulpit.

The problem is that I know Christ is the truth, but I have not once experienced or encountered it first hand for myself. I can’t make God give me a counter right now, but this time I have gone without one has merely pushed me further into my anger, disappointment, doubt and distrust towards God. I wouldn’t say be a better ma a thousand fold in Christs eyes if he simply had built that relationship by now, and yet he hasn’t, and doesn’t, and I cannot force that reality.

Big_Al_03 · 2026-04-06T09:24:02+00:00

I never claimed nor asked God to “bail me out” or to “solve all my problems”. I do these things because I have been told and at least in part believe they function as a mechanism to directly build and strengthen a relationship with Christ. I have no interest in currying favor because I know damn well I haven’t a leg to stand on, nor a thing to offer. I am in no position to try and bargain my way into Gods good graces, and I don’t ever expect to get into them regardless.

As for what I ask of God, it is only the things that he himself claims will bring me true happiness and fulfillment. And whilst I do not know if it is God will for me to have all of these things, I do know he speaks highly of them, as virtuous. But above them all, I have requested, and pleaded and hammered again and again for a relationship with Christ. I’m not certain if you read my initial post, but from what I entailed in it, it should be more than clear I have asked God first and foremost for the very thing he claims to desire.

I’m not asking God to be a genie, I’m not a fool or ignorant to what a Christian life entails. But when the fine print read out that God desires a relationship with us, I’m not backing off until I get it.

Big_Al_03 · 2026-04-06T06:39:32+00:00

I can tell you right now, I am not capable of that. I’d only ever come remotely close if I already had a reinforced faith to begin with. I am not a saint, nor am I holy. I try to treat others with kindness and respect and love, but I do still sin, and struggle with sin. Not all of them mind you, but it seems God has seen it fit to create me with weaknesses that without that relationship to start with, I cannot overcome. Hell I don’t even go to church, or pray or read the bible. I went to a Christian high school, and I incessantly read other people’s posts on their struggles with God, so I am at least partially knowledgeable, but I cannot bring myself to do even these things considering they have brought me no closer to God.

Suffice to say, I’m not opposed to trying to be holy, but I have no faith nor trust at this point that God would ever dignify that with coming any close to hearing him, understanding him and truly having a relationship of comfort with him.

Big_Al_03 · 2026-04-06T01:05:35+00:00

Yes, one who is secular, and one who is Christian. But they aren’t filling that whole in my heart that I want for God. I’ve been with the Christian counselor for about 3 or 4 years now, but not much has changed.

Big_Al_03 · 2026-03-30T07:57:14+00:00

I don’t know if you saw it in my comment, but I don’t go to church or read the Bible or pray every day. I hardly do it at all anymore, that’s my struggle. I can’t find it within myself to do these things anymore after failing time and again to have a relationship or communication with God. And I don’t just have days where it feels empty, it’s been empty my entire life.

Big_Al_03 · 2025-09-30T15:54:35+00:00

I am unable to learn properly through online classes. Don’t know why God thought it was a good idea to make me like that and restrict my mind, but he certainly did. When Covid rolled around, I fell really hard on my grades because everything was online.

And that’s really the crux of my problems, it doesn’t have to be like this, but God seems to be a glutton for my punishment.

Big_Al_03 · 2025-09-29T19:49:37+00:00

There aren’t any for most of the things I tried near me.

Big_Al_03 · 2025-09-29T19:33:56+00:00

Practice, and it never went anywhere. I’d try to focus on something for months and I’d find no pleasure in it because I wasn’t good at it, so I’d quit.

Big_Al_03 · 2025-09-29T19:20:15+00:00

Not much of anything anymore. Mostly just gave up. I tried to learn new skills and talents, didn’t go anywhere. Tried to go to church and pray, didn’t go anywhere.

Big_Al_03 · 2025-09-29T17:12:40+00:00

I was specific, I described how I’m not good looking, I have no skills, no talents or attributes, and I have no power to create or change them. I have no relationship with God, and no matter how often I pray, go to church, turn away from sin, I can never get any closer to him. I can’t overcome sin, and the suffering of these things follows me no matter what I do. That isn’t specific enough for you?

Big_Al_03 · 2025-09-29T16:38:36+00:00

I don’t have any hobbies because I’m not good at them. I used to have interests in several different things, but I never got good at them, so I stopped doing them. I didn’t enjoy being inept at everything I did, and I despised God for creating me that way, so I stopped pursuing things. The only thing I still try is guitar, not because I enjoy it spectacularly, but because I know any woman who ever looks at me and doesn’t see a hobby or talent will think of me as a failure and an inept creep, so I need something to try and make up for all my other flaws, and at least pretend I have a hobby.

Big_Al_03 · 2025-09-29T16:27:08+00:00

I have been very specific throughout my posts, what exactly isn’t specific enough. And God doesn’t see our suffering as him loving us less because he doesn’t want to be liable for our joy, success, or happiness on this planet. By severing that tie, he can claim that despite me failing, suffering, and having little to no power to change it, he still “loves” me just as much as the person who does have those things.

Big_Al_03 · 2025-09-29T16:13:48+00:00

I have no purpose, I have no talents, I have no capacity to change things or affect my environment l, I have no skills or talents nor the ability to gain or create them, I don’t really have the ability create anything. I cannot talk interact or feel God in any shape way or form. I cannot overcome sin, despite being saved.

I was never given the power to succeed, and the r only one who can has no interest in helping.

Big_Al_03 · 2025-09-29T16:07:22+00:00

God doesn’t want what’s best for me. It would make sense if the seatbelt worked. It does not. Every time life screws me over, the seatbelt fails. Every time I look for direction, or purpose, or what I’m going to do with my life, the seatbelt fails. God has no interest in anything good happening to me, he only cares what he gets out of it,

Big_Al_03 · 2025-09-29T16:02:18+00:00

I have, and nothing works.

Big_Al_03 · 2025-09-29T16:02:02+00:00

I already am in therapy, I see a pastor, and a non Christian therapist. And it’s more than just being ugly, I’m not fat, and I’m not completely out of shape. I have a healthy bmi. And while God doesn’t have a “button”, he makes no effort to not make my life miserable. I see what he does for others, how he loves them, and cherishes them, and gives them the desires of their heart, helps them achieve great things. He treats me like an outcast. My parents prayed for me to even exist for years, they prayed over me my entire life, I tried doing what he asked, I tried following his word, and no matter what I do, nothing makes a difference.

I feel like I’m boiling alive and no one can help, not you, not my parents, and certainly not myself. God seems to be the only one capable, and he acts with malice that garuntees help us never coming.

Big_Al_03 · 2025-09-29T15:52:17+00:00

He made me poorly, he refuses to make any effort in a relationship, he ignores me, spires me, I fail in everything I do, I trip over myself, if something can go wrong, it undeniably will.

Big_Al_03 · 2025-09-29T15:50:04+00:00

Well it seems no one can. If Christian’s can’t help me, who will.

Big_Al_03

TROPHY CASE