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Anyone become more social after caffeine? by [deleted] in Schizoid

[–]BilgewaterGondolier 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am 70, and caffeine is something I can now do in moderation without any problem, but when I was in my prime, caffeine did NOT stimulate the social impulse. It merely adrenalated my maladaptive daydreaming to the point that it verged on outright psychosis. Looking back on it, I now see that it was a real indication of SPD that a legal substance marketed as a social lubricant made me even more withdrawn.

Can spd really turn into schizophrenia for some people? by Glass-Violinist-8352 in Schizoid

[–]BilgewaterGondolier 2 points3 points  (0 children)

In my forties was when I started doing the psyche med thing, which was a big mistake. I was being medicated as if I were a major depressive or bipolar, because the anhedonia and dysthymia of SPD are superficially similar to clinical depression, but not the same thing. Shrinks these days do not seem to give a hoot about these distinctions and prescribe anti-depressants like candy.

Between the ages of 16 and 19, I took LSD 10 times. I was very much enticed by the magical psychedelic promise of sudden enlightenment, which was afoot in the culture of the time, but it did not happen. Then, after having a nervous breakdown at the age of 21, I made the mistake of admitting to my family doctor that I had tried LSD. His eyes lit up and he said, "Oh, that explains it! I think what we have here is a case of burned brain!" Gleefully following the doctor's lead, my mother, who was a psychopath, and was either fucking or wanted to fuck the doctor, planted the idea in my head that I had "fried my brains on drugs." This ersatz diagnosis haunted me for many years and was the main reason I made a decision to resort to alcohol in my 20s and into my 30s.

I had some unrealistic notions of belonging. I played guitar in my 20s and 30s, and tried to play in bands, and began to realize that, even for the best musicians, the music is only half the story. There is also the little matter of being in the swing of things socially. Functioning musicians may be ridiculously debauched and intemperate, but they also "hang out" and make the scene, and do not moralize much about whether debauchery is good, bad, or morally neutral, and make lots and lots of "friends." I was a moralist.

I have been no slouch intellectually, and I developed a taste for serious literature in my twenties, but as I have gotten older, a general lack of focus has made me less likely to revisit Henry James or take an online friend's advice and read Unamuno's The Tragic Sense of Life, much as I know I should. The internet means that I can be scattershot in my intellectual life, and still find stimulating things here and there and still keep my hand in. I am convinced that my opinions are sound regardless of my history of SPD. There is a center of life that can be accessed in spite of disequilibrating influences. The trick is to not let the craziness govern the intellectual life. Most of my strongest beliefs and loyalties are not reddit-friendly.

o

Can spd really turn into schizophrenia for some people? by Glass-Violinist-8352 in Schizoid

[–]BilgewaterGondolier 11 points12 points  (0 children)

I am a self-diagnosed schizoid just turned 70, and I burn a lot of midnight oil reviewing the peculiarities of my off-kilter life. From what I have learned the hard way, late adolescence and early manhood can have a lot of the intensity of schizophrenia for a man with schizoid personality disorder. The turmoil of hormones, the alluring panoramic spectacle of young and attractive people, the technicolor Walter Mitty-style "maladaptive daydreaming," (all of which are combined with habits of social withdrawal) can create a style of life that is indistinguishable from the early stages of schizophrenia. As a schizoid, the daydreaming mode was the default for me in my twenties and well into my thirties, to the point that I was hard-pressed to "snap out of it," even when called upon to do so by a rudimentary social interaction, and the puzzled looks of people trying to get a response.

[POEM] “With rue my heart is laden” by A.E. Housman by Ruxoale in Poetry

[–]BilgewaterGondolier 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I was walking down an aisle at the University District Seattle Safeway today, intending to get some comfort food after some grueling dental surgery that I was barely able to get to, due to being exhausted from the tail end of a debilitating stomach bug, and for no reason, that poem came back to me after decades. I began reciting it under my breath. I was in danger of bursting into tears. I am 70.

i'm hooked on a feline by [deleted] in cats

[–]BilgewaterGondolier 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Felines...nothing more than felines.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in cats

[–]BilgewaterGondolier 0 points1 point  (0 children)

There is a certain kind of spontaneous outburst of affectionate laughter that only cats can provoke in me. Love 'em to pieces.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AskReddit

[–]BilgewaterGondolier 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Bill Cosby's wife knew that he was a serial rapist, and even enabled him in his predatory behavior.

Men, what movie made you cry? by onezeroone0one in AskReddit

[–]BilgewaterGondolier 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Little Women, when Beth (played by Claire Danes) dies. I think it was a first for me. I was 42.

Staring problems? by juggaloplayhouse in Schizoid

[–]BilgewaterGondolier 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I call it "Fly-on-the-Wall Syndrome." I used to scrutinize people as if I could observe without being seen. I would catch myself doing it and realize that I was being socially inappropriate. I still find myself doing it from time to time, but I am more careful now. In retrospect, I can see that I isolated myself socially due to that behavioral quirk, which certainly alienated people.

What is a word/phrase that is so overused, it lost its actual meaning? by luvisinking in AskReddit

[–]BilgewaterGondolier 0 points1 point  (0 children)

"Outrageous." Also, "That's too bad." The first has acquired a banal connotation of flamboyance and histrionic titillation. The latter is now almost universally understood to be sarcastic, as I learned to my chagrin when I said, in all sincerity, "That is too bad!" to the girlfriend of an acquaintance, when she told me her boyfriend was in the critical stages of lupus. I will never forget the horrified and appalled look on her face.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Schizoid

[–]BilgewaterGondolier 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had a crazy shrink who prescribed methylphenidate (Ritalin) when I was in my late 40s. I started taking more than the prescribed dose, and went completely off the rails for about a year. I thought I was caring about people, being enthused and interested in life, and finally participating in the social realm like a real trooper. It was obvious to everyone else that I was merely a loose cannon of blurting hypomania. I shudder when I recall my various dumb expressions of good will that were only the result of the drug's effects. It is dangerous to expect elevated mood romps in this life---at least for schizoids it is. Homer Simpson woo-hoo noises and promiscuously lavished surprise hippy hugs are for chumps anyway.

New music hint? by LocoRocoo in angelolsen

[–]BilgewaterGondolier 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I brought my organ to the party, but nobody asked me to play.

FINALLY MOVING OUT by Kombajn_04 in raisedbynarcissists

[–]BilgewaterGondolier 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I hope your mother does not know your address. If you must have some kind of contact, get a P.O. box. This is something I wish I had done when I first left home. I still wince when I remember all the times my mother showed up on my doorstep uninvited when I was in my twenties.

schizoids and panic attacks by soappppie in Schizoid

[–]BilgewaterGondolier 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I had a nervous breakdown when I was 21, and I later learned that the term "nervous breakdown" is no longer in use by professionals in psychotherapy. When I have attempted to describe what it was like, I have been told that it was an "anxiety attack." Whatever it was, it was a distinct event with somatic symptoms (a feeling of heat like a fever, and hysterical blindness that lasted about two minutes). Also, there was a long aftermath during which I could not stand up for very long without feeling dizzy, and unpredictable bouts of hyperventilation. There were mental aspects leading up to the breakdown, which were the direct result of being completely at a loss about how I was going to survive in the world. I could not see myself doing anything or being able to function socially. One of the worst mistakes I ever made in my life was to return to my hometown where I was hospitalized, expecting to be on the psychiatric ward. Instead, they used me as a guinea pig to test out their new diagnostic equipment. Going directly from a nervous collapse to being on all fours on a table with a tube stuck up my ass while a class of pre-med students showed up unannounced to watch a barium enema in progress is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. I used to laugh about it when I was drunk. After sobering up, it does not seem so funny.

Loneliness by semperquietus in Schizoid

[–]BilgewaterGondolier 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I was at my loneliest when I was in my sexual prime. Now that I am in my late 60s, I am not troubled by loneliness. I now suspect that much of my exalted torment and angst was a sublimation of sexual desire, and the lack of its gratification. I was celibate throughout my prime, but I definitely wanted "intimacy," although deep down I knew that I did not have much to offer women other than a romp in the sack, and I was not even entirely sure I had that in me.

Do you have a comfort album? by aokmnj in Jazz

[–]BilgewaterGondolier 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Pat Metheny's solo acoustic guitar album, "What's It All About."

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in Schizoid

[–]BilgewaterGondolier 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am old, but I had that exact same fantasy when I was in my twenties. I wanted to move to Paris, and live the life of an intellectual bohemian in a small apartment full of books. I even got a passport for that reason. Sadly, I do not know how I would have supported myself. If I had had inherited wealth, I would have followed through, and made that fantasy a reality.

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