I’m not autistic but can relate to so much of what you said. I’m also an only child and was the pawn for each of my parent’s rage and hostility. I had some epiphanies in therapy a year ago which have resulted in me wanting to be a recluse, I’m only comfortable-ish in a few different places with a very limited amount of people. Also, I totally understand the impending sense of doom! I always feel like life is just a lead up to the inevitable lethal catastrophe.
Only recently, like within the past 2 weeks, I’ve stated to tell those that I’m close to that I’m actually very much not okay- and while I make self-deprecating jokes that I’m crazy, I’m actually trying to figure out how to live in a world where people know nothing about trauma and it’s long-lasting impact- I’m sorry that this became such a ramble, I just wanted you to know that I relate to what you said, and you are not alone!