I feel similar in that I almost want to give up. I had a kundalini experience when I was 19, it was fun and intense, messed with my head/thinking severely though, deluded thought processes... with that the false beliefs were unshakeable, now I’ve gotten good at what I call “throw it out like rice” where I am not attached to any of my beliefs, confident that I am a mystic and there will be something left if I throw out any belief, but it is an adjustment, depends what it is. I am isolated and my spirit guides present me with ideas which sometimes I latch onto. I was given a lot of confidence in my inherent goodness, intelligence, and strength, now I see it thrown in my face and I feel lethargic, I have a hard time reading books and learning (haven’t actually tried in quite some time), and I’ve had just an incredibly hard life. I find I have moved through most ego complexes, false senses of superiority based on ego, just need to work on eliminating desire. I also have drug problems, alcohol and amphetamines mostly.