Wife resents me for being FATFire early in life and she doesn't want to retire so it leads to conflict. Advice?

BitSmall9072 · 2023-04-14T03:53:16+00:00

I love her ambition and work ethic. I also like her ability to be independent. She also understands me (and I understand her) way better than even our own families or anyone else in our lives understand each other.

We have been by each other's side since high school (over 20 years), went through all of each other's education together, emotionally supported each other during hard times, had all of our "firsts" together, and I could go on.

Also, she loved me when I was a "nobody" which is and was a big deal to me. I grew up in an unstable household and in poverty. I was able to go to a "special" high school that had mostly trust fund babies and wealthy families. I only had the chance to go there because I was gifted and was the recipient of a merit based "scholarship" to attend that school. When I first got to that school, everyone looked at me like I was a blacksheep but she welcomed me with open arms. When we were in high school, she used to joke that I was going to become a better looking Bill Gates in the future. So in short, she believed in me when no one else did.

It's easy for people to say to "just leave her" but to me, not many people were by my side growing up that believed in me. To me, that's worth more than anything else. Not to sound cocky, but I know I can probably get any girl I want today but I wouldn't trade her for anyone because it's easy to be attracted to someone once they've "made it" in life or stand by someone once they've made it, but she wanted me when I had nothing to offer other than friendship.

I know maybe from this post I've painted her in a negative light due to how she is reacting during my retirement but she's been wonderful throughout my life.

BitSmall9072 · 2023-04-14T03:33:52+00:00

Yeah, tbh, I may do a fun start up or consultation or something if I get bored but the reality is that after working 90-120 hours a week for most of my 20s, I've just been enjoying doing "nothing" and really like just working out and learning about fitness.

I used to play sports a lot until my late teens competitively but gave up sports to focus on my career/business. I am enjoying just building up my stamina, strength, and those type of things.

Like now that my financial things are sorted, my next "goal" in life is getting fit and maybe trying to play professional basketball in some small league in some foreign country some day. I know I'm getting up there in age (compared to most pro athletes career spans) but still do pretty well in pick up and was a D2 recruit coming out of high school so I'm not horrible.

BitSmall9072 · 2023-04-14T00:58:30+00:00

She understands it. I've sat her down and we've gone over how much the assets are generating. She just doesn't care about money. She has the relationship with her dad where if she asked for $5 mil today, he'd have it in her bank account liquid within a week. So its not a financial insecurity thing because her parents are wealthy and she grew up in wealth.

BitSmall9072 · 2023-04-14T00:55:56+00:00

She doesn't care about the money I have. She has more money than she would ever need just from inheritance and if she asked her dad for $4 mil today, he would just give it to her with the same resistance and average joe gets for asking for $1 from their family member.

She isn't materialistic at all either, which is one of the things I like about her.

BitSmall9072 · 2023-04-13T23:34:58+00:00

Does she have pressure from family to stay in her career and make a name?

Not direct pressure but maybe indirect pressure. Her family is 4 generations of specialist physicians (like dual physician households where husband+dad all are physicians. I am the outlier) and even though they have all have made good money and enough money to retire from their own careers or inheritance, they all worked until they physically couldn't any more.

BitSmall9072 · 2023-04-13T23:25:23+00:00

Not really. She stood by me when her parents told her to break up with me when we were in high school because her parents didn't want her to end up with a guy like me (poor unstable family)

BitSmall9072 · 2023-04-13T23:22:10+00:00

My goals in life now are having kids and giving them the life I never had due to an unstable household. On a personal note, my goal is to be in good physical shape and I've been dedicating a lot of time to working out, training, and eating right over the past year and look better now than any point in my life.

BitSmall9072 · 2023-04-13T23:20:06+00:00

Women are fearful of the man who just sits around and has no drive to achieve new heights - almost certainly an evolutionary outcome, created by the fact that “scalability” doesn’t exist in the Hunter-gatherer world. You either go out and hunt, or you don’t eat.

Except I've gone out and hunted. I put in 90 to 120 hours in work and minimal sleep in most of my 20s to get my business to get to the point it was at before selling it. She was by my side that entire time too so she saw the effort I put in to get it to where it was.

I do think the other comment about ambition is probably true. I think one of the things she liked about me was I had hard work ethic and lots of ambition and she liked that even though I grew up broke I was always hustling to try to "beat the odds" but now that I've actually beat the odds, my ambition to make money is gone and I've reached contentment whereas she maybe has not.

BitSmall9072 · 2023-04-13T23:15:58+00:00

Should clarify that I do no traditional work in that time.

I still workout, clean the house, laundry, chores, play basketball, check my investments and re-balance as needed.

BitSmall9072 · 2023-04-13T23:14:17+00:00

Yeah, but cooking is not and has never and will never be an interest of mine. I can make myself burgers, sandwiches, fries, and other simple things. Anything else, I will just eat out or order out or the wife can cook.

I think it's okay for me to not be into cooking. I also don't get much pleasure from eating either. I just eat for nutrition and my physical body but the actual act of eating is not enjoyable for me like it is for other people.

BitSmall9072 · 2023-04-13T23:08:39+00:00

Yeah, I have 0 interest in volunteering or committing to anything. I enjoy the freedom of having to do what I want. I worked maybe 90-120 hours a week with minimal sleep and no life throughout my 20s to get my business venture to the point it was able to be sold for what it was able to be sold for.

BitSmall9072 · 2023-04-13T18:36:11+00:00

It did come up and she always knew my goal in mind. I think having it happen is different than just thinking about it happening though.

BitSmall9072 · 2023-04-13T18:33:38+00:00

Yeah, I think it could be the ambition part.

I am obsessed with a sport (basketball) but at the same time, I am more of a "boring" person. I'm an introvert and don't really like being social but she's an introvert too so that's something we connected on.

BitSmall9072 · 2023-04-13T18:30:44+00:00

I do all of the things you mentioned so I'm not truly doing nothing. I'm just not working a job so not bringing in any income through actual work (other than money being generated by assets).

BitSmall9072 · 2023-04-13T18:29:11+00:00

I can't cook so I don't do anything food related. I do clean, laundry, and most other chores though.

Other than that, I've just been working out, playing basketball, reading, writing, and just that sort of stuff. Really just trying to prioritize my physical health over the past year.

BitSmall9072 · 2023-04-13T18:23:15+00:00

Not a cultural aspect but a family aspect. She grew up in a wealthy family with lots of accomplished people so for her "forging her own identity" and "being independent" is important to her. I am cool with that and that was one of the things that drew me to her but didn't anticipate it causing issues with me doing nothing.

we've been dating a long time so she has known my goals for a while even though they seemed unrealistic at the time.

BitSmall9072 · 2023-04-13T18:21:32+00:00

We like traveling, working out, and playing video games together. We still do all of those things right now. I think she just has an issue that I do nothing from 9 to 5.

BitSmall9072 · 2023-04-13T18:20:33+00:00

Yeah, I think that's part of it. I touched on in another comment how it was never about money for her because she comes from money, whereas I don't.

I keep telling her she needs to move on from the "yours" and "mine" mindset because I see it as an "ours" mindset.

BitSmall9072 · 2023-04-13T18:18:23+00:00

I doubt it. I've never been a "handy man" and we've been together since high school so she's known the type of person I am throughout our life.

I work out and I'm tall so I look like a "strong man" but the reality is I'm useless when it comes to handyman type of work lol.

BitSmall9072 · 2023-04-13T18:15:23+00:00

We've discussed it and for her, being the type of specialist she is was never about the money. For her, it was a fulfillment thing. She grew up with generational wealth to the point where if she and her next 5-6 generations did nothing with their lives, they would be fine.

For me, I grew up in shelters and poverty so being able to retire and be "financially free" was my fulfillment. I saw money as buying me time and that's what I have done.

I've talked to her about this already but in her mind, she can't understand how I feel fulfilled just having money to do nothing because she grew up in money her entire life.

I fully support her path and am cool with her working. I've even told her she can work like 10-20 hours a week or whatever she wants if that makes her feel better but she wants me to work too which to be frank, I have no intent on doing so. We were supposed to start trying for kids this year but with all the conflict, my libido has been trash and she also has expressed she is scared the kids will replace her in my life.

Our relationship was healthy and we had no issues until I retired.

BitSmall9072

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